stressin'

Life is kinda sucking and I'm a stressin' big time right now. Stressin' something awful. Don't know whether to cry or drink or take a nap or smack somebody. I'm going to go stress clean, but before I do, thought I'd throw up some pictures. Don't know why.



*** later in the AFTERNOON no less ***

I'm am crying and laughing and stressin'. WTF. Dear god, and you know, my shit is just piddley crap. I know people who have gone through heavy, unbearable pressures. I feel guilty for breaking down and not being stronger. I feel guilty for not being wiser. I feel frustrated at not being able to make decisions, or force things along. I feel guilty... basically for not being stronger. The strength has left me somewhat. I feel the frustration overtaking what backbone I had. I resisted the urge to chuck it. I resisted the urge to spend the day, and the rest of my money, playing pool and having a group of sad, broken people keep me company and commiserate with me as I sandbag a bunch of them at pool. i am so resisting the urge to be ... uncaring and bad. Drowning in misery and feeling sorry for myself seems like such a tempting place to be right now. But fuck me, my problems aren't that bad. My situation isn't bad at all. And yet, I am saddled with this fear, this weakness, this open wound. I just realized that, I guess, subconsciously, I'm trying to get angry, and ... brave right now. Didn't work, but its something I just realized I was doing to myself. Anger gives me strength, I guess. It always has.

Odd little duck, aren't I?

*** later way later ***

My dog Kodak (RIP) use to see me... like this... and just come and sit by me. And at some of the most painful times in my life. He would just come over and sit with me. Today. Not a good day. Still trying to work through fear. I have the new little black one come and sit about 8 feet from me. It's like he's trying, but then at some point, he leaves to go where ever my dogs go (good god don't ask me, I don't know.) I don't know why I have... stumbled... today. That's not honest. I know a little why, but... I think I needed to stumble. I am so.... coiled and controlled... sometimes. I need release.

Lately it worries me, I've been needing it more often.

*** later ***

You know, I'm totally fucked in a big way, and I don't think I even know it.

Posted on Jul 23, 2008 | 11:31 am

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