free association
My mind is whirling right now with randomness and garbage that I think I need to get out. On the advice of a friend, I'm just sort of writing it all out.
Every relationship has problems and up and downs. Especially in the beginning. If you love someone, then your in the trenches trying to work through it - the longer you spend with someone, the easier a lot of things get. But the trick is to want to spend the time doing it and love the person enough you are willing to do it.
I've never been a real easy person to get close to or to know. I have drama and passion, plus other issues that make me distrust very easily. I have a tendency to run from things when I feel rejected. But I try. I try so hard to be a better person. Especially when I find someone I want to be a better person for. If D chooses to slug it out with me, he'll find I get better as we go along. I've already been told, I am 10x the better person when I'm with him.
I know my drama and my faults. But I also know my strengths (and sometimes have to be reminded of them). With me you get that bad stuff, but you also get a strong woman, who loves to laugh, who will always work at her relationships, who will always be loyal and true to someone without being blind to the truth. I will never cheat and will try always to be honest. I will love without reservation or hesitation. I will give all that I have. I think that's pretty good, even with all the insecurities and drama that come with it. I do have a mean streak, but it's blunted with age. I will alway recognize when I am wrong, and work on my faults. I have learned to swallow pride.
I'm not good with patience. Never have been, never will be. The way I was brought up to resolve conflict is the big confrontation and the talking it out - repression is something I don't do well. I am not one to let things stew and simmer, harboring secret resentments. Nothing is really secret when it comes to me. Kinda let it all hang out. I never pretend to be something I'm not, and what you see is what you get.
The folks who are my friends and "family" now, have seen the worst bits of me and still choose to love me as much as ever. They think I'm crazy, but the love is always there. I think I'm lucky that I draw to me the best people I have ever seen - the kindest, smartest, most honest ones. That makes me special, if only for the type of person that is drawn to me.
Darryl. I love this man like I have loved no other. I cannot see where he benefits from being with me. I am a handful and a mouthful. I am probably trouble. I feel so guilty for being with him, making his life complicated. But I also want to be with him, he makes me feel safe and cared for. He doesn't understand the "time" he always wants to take, the shutting me out like this, makes me COMPLETELY unhinged. I've tried to tell him this, if he needs time, just tell me upfront so I don't totally go to the zoo. He has a simplicity and a maturity I lack, but I think I have abstraction and deepness that he needs. I wish things were different. I wish I was better for him than I am. And we still may break up, if he realizes I'm just too much. But I can't help but be too much. I know if we stayed together, I would eventually become more secure and more content - calmer and much more happy. I look into his eyes and see a peace I wish I had.
I'm a wild child. And probably not in that, she parties like a beast sort of way. I am an animal that has been caged and cornered too much in her life. Where people think things through, I am quick to action, quick to defense. But with this comes a total emersion in life. I feel every part of it. I live too many paths, I feel thoughts race and burn in my brain. And I feel no peace most of the time, especially the last couple of years. For the first time, I have touched a little peace, and I can tell you it feels foreign and frightening to me. I have allowed myself to want this relationship, maybe a little too much. I've let it consume me lately, thoughts of it and this man. If I am to work things out, I need patience. I need to let it succeed or fail and not run away from it because I think its about to leave me. That's another little quirk of mine, to leave something before it has a chance to leave me. As I said, I am a wild child... very much a child sometimes.
When I am happy, it's all engulfing. I feel it in my bones and in my head. It's enough to make the world look brighter and the future seem welcoming. When I am happy, I tend to spread it among everyone. Joy spills out of me like a waterfall. That's one of the great things about me. I feel the joy of the moment. Well. I feel the pain of the moment too. It seems I feel every moment, every tick-tock, every breeze. It's overwhelming at times, but it burns like fire when your in the midst of it. It's a high that I can't ever explain, when your whole body is ignited with happiness.
Just randomness. Might do some more. There is no point to this other than distraction and release.
Posted on Jan 12, 2010 | 10:10 am
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