I can't sleep again. So I'm up watching "Stranger Than Fiction", a movie that comforted me and enlightened me. I thought about Darryl. I had tried to convince myself earlier that maybe I wasn't in love with him, just the idea of having someone special. That maybe, we didn't connect on enough levels to make it love. I tried. I think I may have nearly succeeded.

Except. I did fall in love with him.

Even with the many little things that weren't symmetrical, with all the differences, I was in love with this man - and probably still am, although facing it now causes a slow ache in my body. I miss him deeply, and I don't know how to stop it or ameliorate it. I haven't ate in about two days, although the calories I did take in were in the form of beer, and a couple of appletinis. For a while, I even wished that I never met him - the pain is that bad. I've been yearning for him, I've been missing him, and I've been wishing that Friday didn't happen so that I could have him back.

I thought about that Friday.

If I had done something to hurt or humiliate him, that is something which would kill me. I couldn't bear it. It is almost a comfort to think that this is the result of some horrendous thing I did Friday. Because I would deserve it, and it is a justice that I can live with. I thought about if this was something that was long in the making, of all the little things I might have done. Things that, in his passive aggressive, non-direct, round-about way he might have hinted at that it was a problem. I am not use to this sort of conflict resolution or communication. I come from a world where things are blunt, open, where we are fearless.

I think about what love is. I think about how if I was in love, how does it show itself? It is shown in the obvious longing that I have, and the pain that racks my body when I think of him. But, it is shown in understanding that rather than to hurt or cause him anguish in anyway, I can accept his judgment in being apart. I don't accept the reasonings he gave of incompatibility and lack of a future, or even the question about if he really loved me. I know all those things were there, and it was just fear on his part that made his decision. Fear of me, fear of the darker parts of me, and maybe the fear of the uncontrollable parts of his own life. I wish he was braver. I wish there was time for us to adjust a little more to each other, because that's what being together is about. Growing together, knowing and accepting the parts that are dark and hidden as well as the parts that give you joy and happiness.

We all have that dark side. I've seen it in him. I've seen what he fears. I've seen the steps he takes to avoid the road more challenging. I guess I'm more accepting of his "bad" side because I've seen deeper abysses, scarier faces and looked into the pools of the absolutely terrifying and my worst witnessing of it dwarfs anything he could ever be. For being "bad" he isn't very good at it. I'm not sure if he'll get the kind of intelligence and passion that he wants and avoid the complications of the fallout this sort of person subsequently always has. And for sure I'm not too solid about what he will find around Hee Haw.

I've gotten past the wishing I never met him or the wishing I didn't fall in love with him. It's like some of the themes explored in the movie. You go out and lead the life you want. To do that, you must not be controlled by your fears of getting hurt, or fears of leaving yourself vulnerable. I couldn't have felt the happiest and love without now feeling the emptiness and pain. I couldn't have tasted the win, had I not try to play the game. I can only be who I am - one who live life at full throttle. It gets me into a lot of trouble, and there's a lot of fallout along the way. But if I see past my pain, I have gained so much, felt the heights of joy and known the best people.

I guess the best thing, the most loving thing I can do is let him be. He's giving me the feeling of being cared for and safe. Even more than Shawn. Even better than Shawn could ever hope of providing. I felt deeply happy and comfortable. More happy and comfortable than I have ever felt. At least, I was able to touch peace with him for a little while. I was able to touch a real sort of love with him.

I think it will be a little while before my heart heals, but it is comforted by the fact if I was causing him pain, I am not anymore.

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