God. I've been messed up. I'm probably still, but I gained a bit of perspective.

Yesterday, my bar closed. And when I say bar, I mean second home. It's a place where I found family, quite literally. People who accept me in ALL my incarnations, ALL my moods, ALL my faults and ALL my glory. I lost Darryl and the Old Mill in the same week. What the fuck? What in THE HELL? How much more can my life go off kilter?

First of all. The Old Mill Tavern.
It's the first place I came to in Forest Shitty, and Kelly (a bartender) was the first person I met here that wasn't my insane landlord. They were there to feed me when I had nothing to eat, befriend me when I have no friends, and take care of me when there was no one for me. It was the place I connect with home - watching Chiefs games, seeing news of home, etc. - it was there that I connected with friends who loved me. And they do. I met my best friends there, I met first man I loved after Ken there, I had my first date with the man I currently love there, and it has literally been something I treasured so much. I've embarrassed myself there, I've made myself proud, I have become a presence there, and it helped me open up to this place in North Carolina, by providing familiarity, love and warmth for me.

Economically, they had to close. I have become close to the employees and owners, so today I helped close it down. I cleaned and packed and boxed up my home. I had giant anxiety attacks. We cried. We laughed. And I felt like I was losing my family, AGAIN. I felt the hurt and the loss all throughout my being. And I am going back tomorrow to finish up. Although, one thing, after cleaning that kitchen, I am never ever going to eat out again. Never. Ever.

Me and my best friend sat there mourning our loss, trying to hold it together. I had the residual Darryl loss kicking my ass, so I was just a joy to be around. I got a shitload of food and crap given to me and I got to have time with a place and people I literally love with all my heart.

So, I'm heartbroken. In all ways. I had two of my other best friends take me down to the only other watering hole in this two horse town. And I was messed up. I was forlorn, I was in mourning for all I had lost this week. My friend Bo who loves me and has proved it tonight by giving me the best tough love advice I have ever had. He made me face that the Tavern wasn't the thing in my heart, wasn't the family I loved, it was the people in it, and as long as I had them, I had not lost anything but a location. And. He metaphorically slapped the shit out of me for the Darryl thing. He emphasized that no matter what I had done, HE dumped me, and in one of the most cowardly ways to do it. He didn't deserve me, and he, probably won't find anyone as spectacular as me, so it IS his loss and I should stop acting like I have lost the only good man I could ever fool into loving me. I feel better. I have never known I had so many friends. Friends who KNOW and ACCEPT me. They may not like all the little bits that make up me, but they accept me. It is like my life has gone through a fire gutting it down to the foundation. A new one is reborn. And this one is brand new, with no blemishes yet.

I will miss Darryl. I love him with all my heart. But I can't make him love or accept me and that's a shame, because, even with all my faults, I'm a hell of a fantastic woman with passion and intelligence. I am that one woman out of a million that is that piece of gold that you want to find, that everybody searches for. I actually feel sorry for him that he will never find that perfect woman he's looking for because he won't allow himself to.

It's a new beginning YET AGAIN for me. But I got smarter this last year, I've gone through some stuff, and came out the other end. I've seen so much I want, and crystalized the images in my mind of the place I need to be and the person I need to be with. I'm proud of myself when I was with Darryl. I was a great person, even with my flaws and mistakes. And it's something lacking in Darryl that we are not together. Because, I was the woman I wanted to be - honest, alive, and on fire.

I was so heartbroken for the lost of him, and my Tavern family, it blinded me to the reality. I haven't lost my Tavern family. They are all still there for me, and I am there for them. My life is without obstacle right now, so it's up to me to make it joyous and worth something. And the man I love needs something really less than me, and I can't be less than I am just for him.

It really started out as a gravely sullen day, and turned out to be the first day of the rest of my life.

**** Something a little less esoteric *****

When I'm the most well behaved member of the group, something has gone horribly wrong somewhere.

Yesterday, was the last open day of the Tavern, complete with drunken karaoke, mystery shots and a lot of inebriated ass showing (a term I have learned since I've been down south - showing your ass is acting a fool/nasty/horrible).

There were a core of seven regulars, and we had all been CRYING and drinking all day. There was a sucking down of every bit of alcohol that we could get our hands on, and a lucky few of us got our bar tabs taken care of (christ almighty, since it was two dollar Tuesday, a 46 dollar bar tab means yours truly drank about 23 shots of vodka, plus whatever was bought for me.)

There were bad ideas that we we tried. You get all of us trying to sing "We are family" but only two of us actually knowing the words, then you've got a lot of DIFFERENT drunken lyrics being belted out. We were lead by a tone deaf, and LOUD singer named Jerry, who ended up SHOUTING into the microphone. There were a lot of bad behavior and hammered people. I had left early and missed the REALLY good malays that happened near closing time. Drunken friends screaming at each other, and trouble makers getting the shit kick out of them.

What does disappoint me so, is that I guess me and Darryl aren't even friends enough to where he would text me a little sympathy for my home away from home closing. He knows how much that place meant to me. I guess it more than disappoints me, it does hurt me a lot.

Holy hell, though I drank anything that wasn't nailed down. I tried Jager, and drank tequila for the first time in 22 years, and ended up starting to drink some blue shit I have no idea what it was.

You don't have very many nights like that. Thank god, because it would really kill me if this was a regular event.

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