Last night was bad. It was one of the first Fridays with out him, and I was especially isolated being without wheels (temporarily). The despair really hit me, and I missed him until everything ached. And I cried.

Called up Pat and talked to him for about 45 minutes. He always makes me feel 100x better. I felt like I had disappointed everyone, because everyone really liked Darryl and was constantly telling me not to fuck this up. Pat said, sure we liked Darryl a lot, but we love you. He did drag me out of my abyss. Everybody I knew was sick, gone or busy and I didn't want to sit at the Rat Hole all alone amongst a ton of strangers. Most of the old crew want to make that the new watering hole for a while until we can find a permanent landing. Although, from history and the interest I saw from potential buyers currently, I don't think the Mill will stay closed for long. It's just the timing of this was coincidentally odd. Feels like I've been stripped of almost everything, and maybe for a purpose. Maybe not.

I spent the last three days with Michelle and Shubin packing the place up and fighting back tears. I self medicated HEAVILY since Wednesday. We've got some plans Sunday for the playoffs. But today, it feels weird to me. For the past four months, Friday night through Monday mornings were almost totally spent with Darryl. So this is terribly hard for me, especially Friday, to be isolated and alone. Soon, I'll be mobile and that will help things a lot but by that time, I probably will have learned how to deal with this much better. And FINALLY being mobile, means finally, a chance of employment if I am REALLY careful.

I did learn BatShitCrazy is STILL in town and with a new girlfriend (I am laughing my ass off). All the people he knew that now know me, understand totally what I meant about him being crazy and don't in the slightest hold anything against me. They are taking a liking to me. Go figure. People taking a liking to me. I do believe that BSC, though, probably would just revel in the little situation I am in now, because he is that sort of person, so I'm really going to try and avoid running into him. How hard that's going to be to do in this TINY speck of a city, I haven't determined yet.

I do miss Darryl awfully. I try to force the thoughts of "does he think of/miss me?" out of my head. I like to think I meant a great deal to him, since he's actually said this and his actions, except for the recent ones, proved it beyond questioning. I want to force this thought out of my head, too, because it seems such a tragedy to throw away something so potentially right and good because it wasn't perfect or it was a little frightening. I kind of wonder if I'm going to get my beer back, too. He offered to bring it back to me, and I think I should have taken it.

I am surprised though, how easy it is for me to make friends, even with my sarcastic, confrontational charm. Darryl, I guess, made me feel ashamed of my biting personality. But, however it is, it still seems to draw in people. You just don't see the really dark parts of it, unless you know me - and that's inevitable, because everybody's got one.

Anyway, with all the things happening this week and last, I still managed to have a little fun and smile a bit. Friends are taking me out next week, I've got plans Sunday and had my mini breakdown for the weekend all ready (I'm hoping it's the only one.)

*** a thought ***

Christ, it's only when I have crisis and strife that I write, isn't it? Fuck me running.

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