grateful
You sometimes have to fight out of your own bubble to realize what you have. It took me a while to get to this point, and I may slip back into the self absorption bubble, but right now, I'm almost crying thinking about how lucky I am to have what I got.
I'm young, and alive. I've fought through the weeds, and probably will continue to fight through them but, even this all encompassing, soul testing fight has given me gifts of strength and tenacity. It's proven to me my endurance and my stubbornness. Despite myself, I never let it get me down for long.
I'm so very lucky not to be in a worse position than I am. I have actually conquered some of the hardest things I've ever encountered, and even accomplished things with some of the worse doubt I've ever had. I'm still a pessimist and probably will always will be - I like to think it's being a realist, though. Right now, the biggest problems are handled, and I even had the balls to face Citimortgage. That's my next task.
I have been impossibly lucky to be surrounded and loved by such extraordinary people. They give me what they can, and the love me when I'm unloveable (at least most of them). I have gotten so much good from all of them at one point or another. It's damn near impossible to even hold anything against Darryl when I think about what he's given me and shown me. And Bill Gates wealth pales in comparison to the riches I have in friendship. I couldn't have done a lot of what I have done without everyone.
I have so much potential and so many gifts, even at 41 and starting over. I forget many times that I have it all in abundance. I forget sometimes (especially in the winter when there's no sunshine) what happiness feels like. And I forget, though I have room to grow and be a better person, I'm an outstanding person right now who deserves so much more than sometimes I settle for. I love the times when I feel too big for my little world here, because those are the times when I have too much for one person to contain. I'm a waterfall. I'm a comet. I'm also a soft child. I'm sometimes a raging cat. I think most of the time, I'm excess incarnate, emotion manifest, and drama epitomized. Not always a bad thing.
Kelly is going to be all right, football is happening, I have dogs I love so dearly it hurts, I have friends who cleave me to their hearts, I have met and loved really fine men, and I draw the most interesting people and events to me like a black hole.
It's hard to ride the roller coaster that is my mind, but to feel this happy and blessed, sometimes I have to experience my own little hell.
GO JETS/SAINTS!! WOO HOO!!
Posted on Jan 24, 2010 | 12:08 pm
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