There is a ton of sunshine lighting up the snow.

And i am better. Had a most unexpected and hardest cry I've had in a while. Then I went outside to clear some snow. I couldn't feel the cold and i started to dance in the snow. If you know me, you know stress and emotion builds up in me, until there is some sort of release. Today was a big valve release day. There in the sunshine was one of those perfect moments where I was totally fulled with joy. Darryl has a picture of me, soaked to the skin this summer when I was dancing in the rain in his front yard. Ken had a picture of me like that, too.

Today, I loosened the attachments I had. And i asked for help in a round about way. I asked the landlord if i could pay rent a little late and told him about my computer situation. He knows just about everything that has happened to me and i think, thinks of me as something akin to a daughter. He told me not to worry about it, and get everything squared away. He offered some Darryl advice. I told him it was going to take time. Then, as i was thinking about bathung my stanky ass, i started sobbing - long and hard.

It all was just pouring out. Everything, losing D, the Mill, the computer, realizing that I am not the most together person. I started to realize, I had all this "stuff" i was desperately holding onto. People, relationships, situations. I was trying too hard, supressing so much, not realizing that I am what I am. There is better and there is worse. I've, believe or not, mellowed with age, but there is still that giant tank that sometimes overflows.

And I've been ashamed to let it. Ashamed that it would scare people off.

I shouldn't have been. I realize when I've been a huge ass and when I've made mistakes, but i should be allowed to, making my mea culpas and attrition along the way. Those who stay with me throughout the good AND bad are the keepers. I've been guilty of running away at the drop of a hat. But, I've come back, especially when it's worth it. And if you know me at all, that is a giant step for me.

It's all been big steps for me these last few years. I've stumbled big time. But, I'm still here.

Yes, i am better today.

Archives