ice cold and rumbling
Oh crap. Looking at the weather forecast, it appears its going to be horrendously wet and cold. The next couple of days looks rainy and snowy. The weekend highs will ne up to 44 but the low around 20. I might be missing the Superbowl, I don't know. If it stays dry and sunny Sunday, I'll hike on down to the Rat Hole and watch the game. I really do like football and learned a lot more about the game this season other than "Red team win, GOOD" (thanks, D).
I must REALLY get out of the habit of calling it the Rat Hole, because I've met a lot of good and accepting people down there.
I'm cold. I've lost a lot of weight (which delights and concerns me). I know its from stress and a kind of mourning. It's similar to when I lost Ken though not as severe. Since there are not batteries for my scale, i can only estimate i've lost about 15 pounds because the pants I've fit 15 pounds ago are fitting me now. I try to choke down something a day but I usually can't keep much more than that down, if you don't count beer. For some reason, the beer is not adding to my girth. At most in the last three weeks, I've had about 1,000 calories a day (heh, if beer is involved) and in the last two days, I've downed about 500. Yeah, that's messed up. Just can't keep shit down, though.
This whole thing has messed me up even worse than I was before. In July, I was coming out of it - I was eating right and working out, even in that giant fit of depression I was in. I was almost on my feet. That fourth of July night, I ALMOST gave the big D a fake number. I considered it. He had talked to me and I just was my charming self back. It's ALMOST ALWAYS pleasant when someone finds you attractive. And what the hell, i let the real number fly.
July, I was running (as much as i could with a blown out tendon), I was eating, and i was really close to pulling it all together. Wish I could go back, there's a bunch of things I would adjust, and some things I would have changed.
Oh, I've been asked about the Rant and in essence, when are you going to get off this shit about X or why are you so repetitive about Y. Answers of sorts to the inquiring minds:
Reasons why I write the Rant:
It's a forum to solidify what's going on in my head. Someplace where i can sort out which thought is the dominant and which voice is the loudest. It's a place where I can empty out, exorcize demons, face fears, realize my joy, and document my happiness.
It's a place i can stretch my writing muscles, and explore ideas. It's a practice rink for my brain, and the on deck circle for my mind. It's where both my ID and Superego run free from the constraints of my Ego. Don't know that psychological reference? Go read a fucking book.
It's documentation. I can see the history and the portents. I can see changes and shifts. I can reread and be reminded of the mindset I should have - sometimes its the only voice of reason I have around me, blatantly telling me what i should hear, reminding me of things I have forgotten. I reread the entries I wrote when I was stronger during those weak moments. I read the ones filled with joy when I'm sad. I use to reread the Darryl ones when, during a particular week when i was missing him, or I'd go over adventure laddened ones from the odyssey out here when I was bored.
Reasons why I publish the Rant:
To let people know how I'm doing, inadvertently scaring most. Sorry.
To let people garner something from my experience, even if it just may be giving them an bad example not to follow.
To get feedback, advice, help or validation.
...and because I'm an egomaniac and an attentio-whore.
Heh, did all that on an iPhone with one finger.
Posted on Feb 05, 2010 | 11:56 am
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