The forecast says it will be 50. I'm hoping for about 52 so i can go running. It's about 40 now but gorgeous outside. It's actually way fucking colder in the house than it is outside. I got home about 3 am and woke up about 6 from a bad dream. I've tried to roll back over and go back to sleep all this time but I am always restless and fitful after having nightmares and end up staring at the back of my own eyelids. I think the only one who ever was roused by one of my horrid dream times was Ken and that was only once when he had to wake me because i was crying in my sleep. In the last 12 years, my nightmares dwindled in number almost to nil. When Ken died, i had dreamless sleep which proved very disturbing and left me haunted for a bit. Now, I think they come on from stress and fear. Even with D, with whom I felt the most safe, I've caught myself crying in my sleep.

Most of the time, I have SOMETHING on and playing. Something funny or pleasant because my mind usually takes that input and incorporates into my slumber. And while I can't recall a lot of my pleasant dreams, the nightmares are vivid and linger longer.

They shake me to my core and have a realism and import that is a bit bizarre to me. They are relevant and nagging - like something is making me face certain things or intent on working out problems I've been procrastinating on.

Sometimes I fear sleeping.

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