It's a little late and I'm very much up. I'm stressing a little bit more and I'm missing him tonight. The D-ache is back but it's turned into a soft, dull yearn. Believe me, I've been fighting it. But when the night is quiet and my mind is ticking away the seconds, the need to fill the void is unavoidable.�

So, I've been scouring the net for as much distraction as possible, giving my brain toys to keep it occupied. That's why I spent the last three hours wallowing in as much late night talk show TV as a tiny little iPhone can bring me. Not entirely satisfying. I've turned to a source of content that never fails to engross me. Public radio. I am currently listening to a City Arts & Lecture conversation broadcast involving intellectuals dicussing the craft of writing, the skills of abstract thinking. I'm saved these weeks by KQED.

As I listen, and I let the sheer wall of deep and complex discussion wash over me, I feel my mind stretch, the cerebral muscles flex. It's as if water is pouring on me, filling every crack and crevass in my being. I am challenged and I am elevated.�

It occured to me that I haven't had hardly any sort of stimulation on that level here. There is one or two I know that can exist on that level with me and all but one didn't originate in this black hole of brain activity.

I can watch football, play pool, beer it up, even 'indulge', if I may use that euphemism. I can sail on simpler waters, but that can't be all there is. There a tremendous nobility and purity in simplicity. Cynicism, sarcasm, duplicity and deviousness rarely are incubated successfully in those who's world is black and white. But then again, empathy and flexibilty aren't strong traits either, I've noticed. When one 'knows' the right path or 'knows' only their own world, debate is useless. The introduction of something jarring or outside their sphere shakes them. If you can dance to their tune, then the ride is smoother, but it's much less rewarding. The lack of challenge makes it all so barren. I have many obstacles, many fights, many problems - but there is little recreational challenge, or indulgent complexity. Trapped in a world where the reptile brain rules, and your ID Is king. It's where I've been singled out and mocked because I use a big word or two. Where the way I act is suspect. Where behaving badly is accepted as long as it's the right kind of bad behavior. Where NPR is more often than not is misheard for NRA.

My 'different' qualities appear very natural on me, so, only once or twice was I ever accused of trying to make someone feel dumb. But they seem to fear knowledge here like it was the plague. It's so very hard to exist and stay distracted from my own thoughts without my laptop, and being without it has thrown in sharp relief how much, sadly, this area lacks. And its not just me. Not more than two nights ago did some of us had a discussion of why drug abuse here is so rampant.

Its these nights, in the silence, that sometimes certain truths I've ignored scream out.�

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