I'm listening to this on a loop: Desire by Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water's higher.
Desire
Desire
With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire
Desire
You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire
Desire
Desire
Desire


This is by no means, a 'poor me' entry. It's just an a clarifying one, one that empties me.

I am stronger now, I know I will go on. I've built my walls again. Everything that I've ever gave a damn about now is gone. The ties are gone, and my prison sentence here will be over soon - six or eight months. Friends, family, career, self, is all gone. I'm left with strands of connection and pieces of life to reconstruct with. I have acquaintances and strangers around me now. I have hands grabbing at me, I have unwanted minds bludgeoning me. Everyone that I gave a damn about is gone. They are just faint flickers in my life. Touches of peace, touches of love that I couldn't keep. Ken, Michelle, Jerry, Kelly, Pat, Brandon, John, Shawn, Darryl, Jill, Robin etc. all just passing shadows on my wall. Gifts I couldn't keep. Even Buddy.

I know I will go on, I have no choice but to. I no longer care to hold back the bitterness and the hate I have for this place. I no longer want to be a part of this place. I no longer seek to make connections with those around me. I feel imprisoned and punished. But I soon will be set free. I am paper thin now, I have been reduced to this tiny person. I don't think there's much more that can happen, and I grasp and grip at the little I can these days. I've lost everything almost, it is all burned to the ground. Soon, it will be bare, but soon I will be set free. I will have served my time and I will have given almost everything I could.

I guess I was just a shadow on their wall as well.

I told a girl here of how I didn't like it here, she said she felt the same way. I asked her why doesn't she leave, and she said "And go where?" I hope I never speak those words. I pray there's a way out, a way somewhere else.

Sunshine comes tomorrow. Lighting a path with no end, no direction. All I do is keep going on. Almost all I wanted, almost all I had is gone. So I build the walls, I build the crypt, I build it all now to keep what I have left with me. I looked around tonight and saw only strange faces, and distant forms. I felt nothing touch me. I felt nothing. Not even pain. The only thing I could find within me is a sense of surrender. So I do the only thing that is left and that is go on.

*** I like this one, too ***

Like The Twilight by Ryan Adams

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