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2019

8 January 2019, 11:21

Good god. 2019 all ready? 2018 was sure LONG. And eventful. But. It was better than 2017, so I am certain 2019 will be better than 2018. I’m not sure if I should just rehash what happened, or what I’ve learned or what I’ve become or anything like that. I’ve written about so much of that in the past year, that it’s all become almost white noise to me. I just hope that the prose of what I went through, what I learned, what I didn’t learn and all the mistakes I made, are of use to someone. I really want it to help someone. I gained so much this past year, I am also realizing that what I lost wasn’t anything that valuable.

I’m not sure where I stand now, except, things are getting better, and the thing I have decided to do is to “get on with it.” I wonder what I could say about everything that hasn’t already been said. Beats me, but here goes.

Money troubles. We all have them. I am luckier than most and have decided to go ahead and meet those obligations head on – if I wait until I am comfortable in doing it, or that I’m in a position to safely do it as to not hurt myself in the process, I’ll NEVER get it done. So. Extra is going out to all those who have helped me, in an effort to make good on the good that was given to me.

Future. Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker. Nope. I don’t even know. I know that my status quo is status quo-ing and nothing has really changed. It’s a stability that I’m going to take advantage of, in that, I have started the hard work of rebuilding and going forward. Nothing will hurt me now, and what I do now is done to keep the wheels on the wagon. I am less concerned with words and promises, and more concerned with actions and movement. I am trying now, to carry my own yoke, and allow those to carry their own. The stronger and better I am, the stronger and better the people around me will be. Yeah. That sounds about right. One piece of advice I’ll give though. Life is too fucked up to be taken that seriously, and its much easier to get through it with a sense of perspective and a sense of humor.

Dogs. Fucking finally, movement on that. Sophie went to the vet for her yearlies, the others are scheduled to go. We will return everything to normality. And I will care for my family, even these fucking stinky cats.

Adulting has become a source of joy for me. A source of pride, too. It’s strange, but every problem I handle, every bill I pay, and every obligation I am meeting gives me such a rush of happy, mixed in with pride. Accomplishments of moi. About the best high I’ve had in a long while. It feels like I am the best person, the responsible one, the abled and competent one. I’m even making attempts at grabbing at something better. It’s a good high. And it will never end because there will always be problems, bills, obligations and challenges. Every opportunity to prove to the universe that, “Yeah, I deserve to be here, I can handle it.” Cool.

I am happy. I’m not satisfied. But I am definitely happy. I take joy in small things. And I do not tolerate negativity as well as I use to – in fact, I am developing a toxic intolerance to it. Change is the only constant and what is bad will become good, what is good will become great, the great will become outstanding, but…the bad never stops coming. It’s only how you handle the bad when it comes. I love that I can do all this. I love that I am surrounded by people who love me, care for me, RESPECT me, and delight in me. It causes me to love and care for myself, cultivate bales of self-respect, lets me be joyous in all aspects of my life, and has restored HUMOR back into my life.

I got that thing, that last little bit of the past that will be cleared up on February 13th. That is truly just some bookkeeping error that I will correct. The future didn’t stop, and the paths didn’t disappear. I just needed a little time and a kick in the ass to realize that.

I’m from the midwest, so we all aren’t all squishy huggy with the emotion, but I’m going to do my best here.

I do want to thank my friend/landlord Renee, my mechanic and friend Billy, Anna, Cher, Mickey, Jennifer V., Mandy, Cardelli, Ron, Kristine and Tony, Brian C., Helen, my Facebook family (Greg/Robert/Kelly/Krista/Brian J./Marisa/Sam), the Chalkline crew (Jeremy, Tony, Ken P. and his lovely gal, Robert, Adam), Lilli and Moe and the giant gang at Charlie’s, Bonnie and Jenn especially, even Alison…. I hope I didn’t miss anybody. I couldn’t have done ANY of this without you all.

I especially want to thank and send love to Cranky Pants. It will all be good and get better, I promise. Because. It has before and will again.

So. 2019. Here we go.