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RELEARNING

17 October 2018, 09:27

For the last little bit, I’ve been down. I mean, REALLY down. Depressed in the 2007 sort of way, when Ken died. I had really lost a lot of hope – I had placed too much importance on milestones like October… or papers… or legalities…. etc on and on and on. And when those things don’t come to fruition, it sends you down a rabbit hole. To be fair, I didn’t realize this, that I was keeping myself in a cage. I was the only one keeping myself “married”. I was the only one seeing that barrier. I have had someone REPEATEDLY explain this to me, although I can’t get him to understand why the ethics of this thing are important to me, I am starting to understand his point of view of I’m holding on to an obligation or an idea, a marriage, that doesn’t exist for anybody other than myself. This isn’t the only thing that sent me into a three week dark abyss, but it was the trigger that caused the slide into the hole.

So. I’m rereading a little of my journey to this point. And good goddamn, if I didn’t have some wisdom, some realizations, some epiphanies, some good advice that I penned. It’s helping. I’ve forgotten that I will revisit the stages of grief multiple times, and I will have multiple backslides and will make a multitude of mistakes. But, I also forgot that at times, I was over the moon with the happy. I forgot that I got smarter. I forgot I got stronger.

Shrug. I don’t know if shit like this helps anybody, inspires anybody, but it sure helped me today and I’m glad I wrote it. The emotionally damaged ones, the joyous ones, the sad ones, the bored ones, even the ones with pictures.

We all like pictures.