| Now |

50

14 June 2018, 21:25


That’s a big number – 50. In one hour, 57 minutes, I will have been on this Earth approximately 50 years.

That’s a lot. I’ve been through a lot.

And this moment, this second, this hour, this minute, is not at all what I thought it would be. It’s almost impossible to describe what I feel. I think the one I can give you that is the closest is peace. This birthday milestone has presented me with everything that I might have wished for.

I didn’t have family six months ago, and now I have kindness and love that surrounds me, and if I asked, they would do anything for me. They have. And they will. They are proud and loving of me. And I would do anything for them.

I have security. I have real security, and I have the sense of safety that I have always craved. I have learned not to live in crisis, to live in fear. Indeed, it’s a gift that the weight has been lifted off me and I can stand again. I have bravery back, and I have a new bravado borne from real courage.

Victory. I have a victory over fear. I have a victory over so much that I thought wasn’t conquerable. I made it to the next level where I live like a person now. I live with the responsibilities and rewards that come with being this extraordinarily capable person. I am able to revel in my accomplishments and anticipate new, and exciting challenges – and the crises have become challenges. The accomplishments are real victories. And all of this leave a sweet taste in my mouth.

There’s a new me. The me that SHOULD have been here. I am rich in spirit, and generous in nature. I don’t have to be ashamed or fearful of any part of me now. It’s unreal the swagger and pride I go through life with. I really never knew it could be this good. Life could be something I look forward to, something I want to devour with eagerness. It is unnerving how great I feel or how aggressively I look toward tackling life now.

I’ve got friends. Real friends. Real connections. And its because of ME. They are with me, the stand by me, they back me, they laugh with me, they care for me. Because of ME. The person that IS me. The whole cauldron of failures and faults mixed it with my joy and genuine soul. It makes me cry that it was so easy to be loved.

Dogs. Enough said. It has been such a saving grace to have them. They have saved me and I am flabbergasted everyday on how lucky that I was able to have such beings, possessing such fullness of spirit, and endless love around me.

And. In no small part, I have someone who adores me. Something I thought was not possible. Something I can’t fathom. Something that is frightening. Something I’m drawn to. Something I am not afraid of anymore.

This was a short one. I have a birthday thing tomorrow. But tonight. I am going to be up till midnight with 6 friends named Bass, to FEEL 50. To understand it. To embrace it.