| Now |

REASONING

15 April 2018, 11:15

I’m starting to like Netflix. I love stand up comedy so I watch it a lot. Never got to just sit in here and watch it without worry. So, it’s going on in the background continuously, even when I’m on the computer, even when I write. It’s company. Probably the only human company I have going on in this house. But. That’s not bad. Enjoyable human company isn’t to be sneezed at, even when it’s on Netflix.

I write a lot. It says, amongst other tips/tricks/bullshit, journaling is important in divorce recovery. Let’s face it, I was going to journal anyway – that was a given. Why do I journal? Why do I write? Why do I make it public? Why? I thought about that, reading over what I’ve written in the past, and looking over my IP logs.

The easy question to answer is why do I write. I write because it’s like talking to someone about whatever is in me at the time. It makes me feel better. It gives me clarity. It’s like focusing in on your target, recognizing it and preparing to understand or repair whatever it is. It helps me remember things. It helps me see what are the ridiculous thoughts in my head, it helps me discover if I have gained any insight or knowledge, and it unburdens me. I feel better, lighter and stronger when I unload a little of my weight off my shouders.

The other question I get is why is it public? Wouldn’t it be more proper not to publicize your troubles to everyone? I think this question comes from those who were brought up in a certain way. Well. It was the way I was brought up, until I realized that I hid things, and presented a public facade because whatever I was hiding were things of which I was supposed to be ashamed. When you possess shame for things that happen to you, for things you have been through, for things that you’ve done – all this tends to isolate you from others. It adds to the burdens you carry, because now you carry it all by yourself and the guilt of your hidden secret. It reinforces whatever humiliation you have attached with it, and it is not resolved as quickly because you are trying to do it in your own little fishbowl.

I make this public because its an unburdening onto people who I know care. They voluntarily come to read, some comment, some commiserate, and some just commune with me. It’s a tool to banish my isolation, of my being the only one in the world that is going through X or Y. I get feedback to how I am doing, or where I am headed. It helps keep me on the right path, and gives argument to the voices in my head should they need them. And many times, they do. At the very BASE of reasons that I do this, that I splay all the life gone badly for people to read, is the wounded child in me want to say, “SEE? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED. I didn’t do anything bad. It wasn’t my fault.” It is to show others, and more importantly, it’s to show myself, what my reality was. It’s too easy to mold things, cover things up, forget things due to the fluid state of the mind. Reality is perception a lot of the time. And when you have it in black and white, it’s hard to modify it to ease pain, or divorce the actual from the fantasy. Plus, it serves as the voice, or in my case, the therapist or friend, who has to tell me things over and over again. Because, this needs to be told to yourself many times. You are trying to change your own thought processes, you are trying to make yourself see the truth, you are trying to re-educate yourself, un-brainwash yourself from the situation out of which you have been evicted.

I see many blogs and scholarly writings on how to recover, what to do, when to do it, what is appropriate, what you may feel, etc. I don’t know how my writings fit into all that. When I started researching ALL of this, I was flabbergasted at how all these things I’ve read and googled were telling me EXACTLY what I was going through, what EXACTLY was happening, and in some cases what WOULD be happening. That was a real godsend. To know this was understandable and conquerable. This wasn’t all unique to me. And with a fair amount of accuracy, which was slightly frightening, it predicted Doug’s behavior in all of this. So, it prepared me to go through this. What also was of gigantic help was hearing other stories of people who went through or are going through what I am. I read, how similar, in a lot of cases, our realities coincided, and maybe the solutions they had, I could modify and use. And what if my experience is the same as someone else’s? Can reading what I was going through, can reading about my raging, my sadness, my highs, my lows, my mistakes and my victories help someone? That would be awesome if it could.

In fact, I have proof of this. I reached out to a woman who was oft and much villifed to me by Doug. His ex. I initially reached out to apologize for my behavior, my actions, and I think I imagined in my head, what was happening to me was punishment for what I did to her. When she and Doug were broken up/trying to get back together, I was there, complicating things with my presence. I never did anything overtly to encourage the split, but by being there, I changed reality and possibly the future.

I found out things.

She wasn’t the person that Doug represented her to be – the truth of her was much more than what Doug had reported, the truth of her I will never know the extent of (because, well, who really knows the truth of anything), the truth of her was much more complicated and rich than any cartoon villian Doug could create, and the truth of her was very similar to the truth of me.

The actions of Doug weren’t unique to my situation. The situations and events reported by her, dovetailed and paralleled what I had experienced. Sometimes they even mirrored each other. So, a big part of the broken wasn’t due to me. It was a bigger issue that ran deep inside this man. I slowly figured out, all of this had very little to do with me, and even with her. It is something inside him. And it is a more sad situation than I could even know. I became saddened for this madman and his future. I still am, but it is not my life anymore. My life will not be sad and dragging anymore.

Talking to Jenn saved me.

Eventually, I will get past everything, and all this will become reminders of a past that I don’t want to forget, lessons learned that sometimes I need reminding of, and evidence of a life lived of a little forgettable girl in an unremarkable corner of the universe. I read about other parts of my life and see the whole. At some point, I’ll be able to recall my memories with either no emotion or a soft fondness. I want them to be there when I am able to do this. And well. This all will give an insight to anyone who wants to know me. I am not afraid or ashamed of my life, my decisions, my results. I do have regrets but they serve as life lessons that I keep and refer back to when making decisions. And these chronicles are record. For who, and for what reason, I guess depends on the reader. I would hope readers will take something away from it all. At each rereading, I take more and more strength away, I learn something everytime, and I forgive myself a little bit more.

Plus, I wrote some funny shit here and there, and it still makes me laugh.