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15 March 2002, 04:26


Just a cry for help, really. I desperate plea for understanding. It’s like being trapped in a winding maze and finding no way out. I think its also probably a sign of me growing older. Growing older, is like the young bones of children, once bendable, extraordinarily flexible fusing when reaching maturity. No more flexible bending, or supple yielding to stretching and resistance.

My mind has fused. I can’t seem to wrap my brain around a lot of things. I can’t grasp why on earth people would like any of the music on the top 40 nowadays. I long for a quiet neighborhood AWAY from the bars and hoopla. I don’t even make a big effort to understand really stupid stuff, anymore. Big changes seem to have me regaling folks on the merits of “the good old days.” And I’m not even 34 yet. Soon it will time for bland food and adult diapers.

It’s the stage of life when I wander around in constant constarnation and wondering, “WHAT THE FUCK?”

One of my favorite series, Witchblade, on TNT, got me good. Fished me into its world big time and had me watching, intensely feeling every ebb and pull of the plot line. The last few episodes looked to be Earth shakers and I had anticipated some rocking kick ass plot twists and subsequent resolutions. And they did it good, too. Episodes just built the level of tension and excitement higher and higher till you needed an oxygen mask just to watch the opening credits. I was all psyched to watch the last epidsode – the climax – the season finale. EGADS, they killed off almost every major character in the first half. Rachet up the tension and anticipation. Then they pulled something that cause me want to put my foot through the TV and want to punch SOMEBODY. Sarah Pezzini, the main character, thrust the witchblade in the air and turned back time to first episode, just before she makes a fateful decision to go into the theater, and thus setting the path of the journey which the series had being rocketing down, up to that point. It left me just babbling WHAT THE FUCK to the TV. I fired off profanity filled emails to every address on the TNT Witchblade website, and swore up and down TNT wouldn’t do that damn thing to me again, and I’d sooner speed to hell in Pinto than to watch the next season. I’ve sinced changed my mind. Begrudgingly, I’ll probably tune in even though I felt screwed three ways to Sunday from the last season.

Then there are WTF that you know better than to get trapped in, but eternal optimism keeps you from escaping in time. A prime example is the Bill Murray movie, RUSHMORE. There were signs that it was going to be a big waste of my time, but it had just enough substance to keep me watching, hoping against hope, praying to the Gods of all the major religions and some minor fringe ones, that SOMETHING in the movie would make some sort of sense. I was hoping for that one moment that something would happen and all my nickels would fall into place, everything would make sense and I could turn the damn thing off. No moment of clarity, of enlightenment ever came. All I remember is feeling stupid, knowing I could have saved myself, and didn’t. Two hours of my life I will NEVER get back.

The latest thing that has me dumbfounded, sitting here contemplating if there is any merit in change, is that the X-files has killed off the Lone Gunman. All three are gone. Kaput. Although it IS X-files, and I’ve heard it said that nobody ever really dies. But, they killed off the comic relief. And it has me floored – not as floored as some TV endings, but it’s a pretty major thump on my nose. The axing of three major characters that are favorites of mine (and a lot of other apparently pissed off fans from what I read on the X-files BBSes) caught me by surprise in that I don’t think it was necessary. If you were going to kill off Frohicke, Myers and Langely, then the self sacrificing smack of the ending was appropriate, but I don’t think the actual killing off of the characters was something that needed to be done to further the show or plot. The show is in its death throws now, and this just seems like rubbing salt in the fatal wounds for most fans.

X-files had started in 1993, just when I was coming into the intense part of my life, the period which pretty much solidified most of my musical taste and political leanings. Everything during the 90s turned out to be extra vibrant and influential for me. X-files didn’t start out as a fixture of my week, but once they built a strong story arc, I was hooked. It was right before Millenium and dealt with one of my favorite genres – WEIRDNESS. I remember a time when I was REALLY into it. Way back when, during the time when I REALLY got into a lot of things. I’m just wondering what else is going to happen? Who else is going to die for, what I suspect is the gratuitous shock value of it? What’s up with all the fans who are dead serious about taking a baseball bat and waiting outside of Chris Carter’s house?

The LGM deaths are just a capper to a very weird year.