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19 December 2015, 09:04

I’m just a low level miffed right now. First world problems got me pissed, and some third world problems have me stressed. I’m not sure what are second world problems. Not even sure what a second world country is. Let me take a minute and google and get back to you.

Apparently, the Second Worlders are the Commies

Well. I’m not a commie (not in any official sense), so I got the first/third world fuckup blues.

First world problems:

  • My fucking trackpad on the computer doesn’t work properly.
    • So, as a whitish, rich, fat American, non-disabled woman, I am pretty irate about my trackpad on the laptop not working. I have to punch it a couple of hundred times in different places to find the sweet spot to indicate “CLIK”. It really is a pooper when your shit doesn’t work, though. When your all ready stewing in your juices, waiting for Godot who works for Fed Ex, you don’t need some thing rile you up. You are all ready simmering. You just need that lynch pin to be pulled, so that you have an excuse to get into the car, find an assault rifle and mow down trees in the park. I’ve often had the urge to just hurt a tree. Just never the opportunity.
  • Easley’s Balloon Head
    • So, the dumb dogs get into fights every once in a while. The animals that I have taken into my house, given warm beds and food, plus better health care and more social services than the homeless receive, get into fights. How dare they. Just add another brick into my flatbed that I have to haul around. BIG DUMB DOG has a possession thing, and a food guarding thing. Occasionally, he’ll become possessive of something (most of the time its the food), and attack the other dog coming for it. It’s a scary little squabble that results a bunch of salvia and sometimes a cut or two. The Sophie dog usually just doesn’t engage – there is very little fighting there – and if there is, she holds her own pretty well. It’s just the little brown dog who is a blown up version of a Dachshund with a persnickety temperament that fights back which causes a little bit of grief. She growls at everybody a lot of the time – because they are touching her, because they are near her, because they exist. BIG DUMB DOG thinks this growling is serious and attacks her and I pull him off. And then, little dumb dog jets in between my legs and starts attacking him back. These tussles happen rarely, but when they do, it freaks me the fuck out and I go into angry alpha mode. Angry Alpha Mode is when I get all crazy-eyed Robert De Niro at Hurley, pinning him down, grabbing his mouth, getting in his face saying “DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS? DO YOU? DO YOU?” I figure if I do this enough times, something in his pee brain will associate dog fighting with insane mama, and he’ll choose to NOT be aggressive. It has worked a good bit of the time. But there is the random psychosis the dog has. This time, a tussle resulted in Stupid Dog getting a tooth into poor Easley’s head. A small puncture that we were treating with antibiotics. All was well for a couple of days, until I piled everybody into the car to go get pizza. When into the store for a couple minutes, came out with pizza, and Easley’s head had swollen up to the size of a small balloon. She looked like a seal. In every other respect, she was healthy and happy – ate, drank, pooped, peed, played etc. Took her to the vet, and they gave her stronger meds, and said it was bacteria producing air in her noggin. So, these buggies are farting in my dogs head, and causing her to look like some Macy’s Day Balloon float. Her head would crackle when you touched it. It was pretty high on the ICK scale. It has since gone away, and she’s almost back to normal. But fucking hell. Just another brick in the wall.
  • Fedex won’t leave my printer
    • So I ordered a new printer to print things on. Job applications, labels, maps, blah blah. And Fedex won’t leave it. Fedex won’t let me pick it up. Fedex won’t hold it. Fedex won’t let me schedule a time for delivery. Fedex is the devil’s anus. I’m just trying to get my package before one of the inbred, backwater, hillbilly redneck neighbors steals it. That’s why I’m sitting here, possibly all day waiting for the Fedex man. I had just finished writing a 4 paragraph, profanity filled tirade to Fedex, and decided that wasn’t enough of writing bad words for others to be awed by, so I started this. Plus, I got all day to wait for his happy-ass.
  • I don’t have an iphone.
    • I don’t have an iphone. I thought this wouldn’t effect me much since I am not on it a lot. Doug is the one permanently connected to his phone, not I. But I can’t google things that I need to know right the second I desire to, and I didn’t know that I had done this about 50 times a day. And now, it makes me feel uncomfortable and manic that I can’t google shit. Plus, now I get lost EVERY PLACE I GO. I can’t print out maps of where I’m going, I can’t GPS, I can’t google. I have to call home and have DOUG google where I’m at and where I am going. Plus, it takes me about an hour an a half to type in 140 characters for a text. HOW DAH FUCK DID YOU ALL EVER LIVE WITH THAT? I went from landline to iphone, so I never had a fucked up flip phone. I’m holding off on getting an iphone until I get a job (probably sometime in the 30th century), and until then I’m in Flip Phone Pergatory. It takes a toll on your sanity, I can tell you that, fer sure.
  • I saw Star Wars.
    • I saw the new Star Wars and it was totally awesome. Except they XXXXXX XXX XXX XXXX. That was some giant SUCK ASS SHIT that I’m still thinking about. And apparently Doug said that it made several grown men cry inside the theater. And WHAT IS THE DEAL that there is almost a 40 people on a 10:35 a.m. weekday matinee of Star Wars? And there was an inordinate amount of young white hipster douchebag nerds there. And a drink and popcorn was $14. But I loved the smell and the atmosphere and the theater screen, and the dolby surround sound. I miss going to the movies.
  • The cable box commited suicide.
    • The cable box went all funny and I had to take it back. Now, all my dvr recordings and settings are gone. This has got to be the most whitest, fat, American thing I’ve ever said. That’s why the terrorists hate me.

Third World Problem(s)

  • I don’t have a job, I think we are going to be homeless and starve to death in the woods.
    • See above. Since I don’t have a job, my mind leaps to being homeless and starving to death. I can see the direct correlation between the two.

Thirty minutes wasted, another 7 hours to go.