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9 May 2010, 01:00

It was a pretty day in Hell. I was just going to stay home, but I had promised to design a tattoo for a friend, so I dragged all my crap down to the Hole to do something for her. I worked a little on resume and job searching today – actually a bit more than a little. This is hard, especially here. I’m up against a lot of really good people, and there are very few positions available. I don’t know really how I’m going to stand out from the crowd, especially with all these automated screeners.

But after a while, I needed a break, so it was a lazy day of pool with Michael, a friend of mine and just hanging out. It is INDEED very pleasant at the Hole when it’s sparse and things are humming. Laura asked me why I don’t hang on Saturdays. The chaos and unreasonableness, that’s why. It gets to have a frat boy roadhouse feel, with fights breaking out and loud socially dysfunctional folks trying like hell to be as annoying as fuck. I like hanging out with a half a dozen of friends and having the type of calm fun an old lady like me has. There was ONE who was an pain in the ass, analyzing me as the low self esteem type and thought that was a door into the heart (more like pants) of yours truly. Some mistake my lack of bravado about myself as lack of confidence. Some are truly stupid. If they don’t feel my confidence pulsating through me these days, they aren’t paying attention. Just because I’m not comfortable bragging about things doesn’t mean I don’t feel them in me. This is just a thought triggered by that affectionate asshole on the make, who thought I had low self esteem and a little flattery and beer would get me to warm up to him. I don’t like the overly solicitous and sure don’t like people assuming they know me when they don’t. That’s not the sign of self confidence when your domineering and aggressively lecherous – that’s a sign the says “WARNING: BIG PRICK, RUN AWAY”. I tried to be friendly, but sometimes that gets you more than you bargained for. It was just a dick who apparently doesn’t care about personal space of another.

Right now, I am ramping up on the employment project, hoping that I am a fit somewhere. My bravery is coming back, and so is a lot of confidence. I’m still flying by the seat of my pants, but now there’s more flying going on than… well… pants, I guess.

Sigh. Really did I have pleasant afternoon with good friends, a few free beers and pool.