| Now |

APPLICATION

7 December 2018, 08:10

It’s really approaching the end.

The end of the year, the end of this path, the end of the plan I HAD, the end of being unsure, the end of being a victim.

Especially lately, I have been obsessing over this past year. I’m replaying every part over and over again in my head, trying to peer into the scene and suck what I can out of it. WHAT did I need to do? WHAT should I have done? WHAT can I learn from this? Am I seeing things clearly? This is partly out of me tiring of my own… faltering. I’m tiring of my own fear of making another mistake. I’m tiring of my own weakness. I’m tiring of the hesitation of demanding what I deserve, for fear of losing what I think I have. I’m tired of being embarrassed of what has happened to me.

There has been a TON of information I drowned myself in, self help, self motivation, self ass kicking, self punishment, self explanation etc. etc. etc ad nauseum. I need to stop saying “am I ready?” to “I am ready.” I’ve been given many gifts this year, none more special than my own womanhood – the view of me as a real woman. Unlike the strength I’m regaining, and the spine I’m regrowing, I’ve never had a view of myself as… woman. I’ve always been best friend, caretaker, child, pal, bitch, man-hating, etc. I have never been seen as desirable, sexy, whore, harlot, etc. So it pleases me, that in my 50th year, I have actually became a woman.

I have regrew this spine, and I need to use it. I have rediscovered my brain and common sense and I need to practice that. I know I deserve respect and kindness, now I have to step up and demand it. I know that I can stand on my own two feet, now I need to actually STAND.

I’ve been nibbling at the edges of everything so long, afraid to run too fast or go too far. I feel the pressure to now become the thing I’m been practicing at, or maybe pretending to be. I may lose some things I hold dear right now, but I can’t be afraid to do that. I can’t be afraid, period, anymore. Otherwise this past year has been a waste. A frightful, painful waste.

There will be a wrap up of the year entry, as I ponder all that is happened and all that I want to happen, and that’s coming up. Right now, I find myself obsessing on snapshots and moments from last year, and trying to suss out what is what.

And, yeah, I know its FUCKING annoying.