| Now |

AWAKE

3 June 2009, 01:00

I’ve got insomnia again. Probably stress. I toss and turn, with a cascade of thoughts shooting in and out of my head. Sometimes just images of things, sometimes scenes of things gone past, sometimes of memories that never were. Restlessness, worry, and maybe unhappiness. It is for sure, I’m not getting any peace. I’m not getting sleep, and I want to get up early tomorrow to make it to the track, to beat the heat – today I killed my diet with ice cream and a big ole burger.

One dumb dog is up and running around here in the middle of the night.

Well. Now he’s asleep. I’m going to try, too.

  • 7 a.m. ***

It’s already 68 degrees out. I’m fighting the urge to roll over and go to sleep. I’m tired in all ways, these days. My motivation for this is waning and I’m desperately trying to keep it from doing so, otherwise, I’ll never be able to pick this exercise habit back up once it’s gone. It’s really the only thing that makes me feel purposeful. And a bit of me feels its futile, mainly because I slipped yesterday and gorged on ice cream and, what turned out to be, a very bad OMT burger. It was good going down, but it didn’t like being there, and exited very badly. I wish there was a way to get his workout in a quicker, less boring fashion. This is when I start pushing myself to injury – to get it over with and become less bored. I feel the heat coming through the window. Good god almighty. Maybe I’m just too old to start something like this – and I had a fleeting thought that I was just too old to even begin thinking about a new life. That thought I banished quickly since I don’t have a choice anymore.

The mind is willing, the soul is motivated, but the body is tired and unable to comply in the way I want.

I hate this place because I can’t provide the dogs with what they need or should have. Back home, they’d have a kiddie pool, a nice yard, decent medical care, etc. This really is a hell hole to me sometimes, and not because I feel I’ve got it bad, it’s because they have it so much worse.

These days, I have the need to stay at home – less time spent at OMT (or anywhere else for that matter). I don’t know whether that is a good or bad thing. It means I’m becoming more insular, hermitting myself away, if you will. That’s the bad part. I also tire of the same old scene. It’s just drinking and, well, doing nothing but stupid things. I guess that’s the good part.

Well. Got to get a crankin’. Unless I just roll over and go to sleep, which is awful tempting.

I’ll tell you which I do here in a couple hours. I’m thinking its the sleep thing since I didn’t sleep well last night. Plus, if I do the track Thursday and Friday, it’s going to be cooler and there’s a chance of rain.

Rationalization. God, I love rationalizations.

  • later ***

Well. I chose nap. But I woke up from the nap early enough that I COULD get my butt out there. Thinking about that. I think I’ll break out the paperwork and do my taxes and all that other stuff. I need to make a real list of what I need to do, because, there is a ton of little, but important things to do. And I do have a little cash with which to do some of it. But, still thinking about going out to the track. I almost have the 100 bucks to spare to pay back ONE person who has become a priority, but I’m scared to send it, just in case I might need it – so far, when I’ve chucked off money to people to pay them back, I ended up really regretting it and having it hurt me.

God. I need to get in a better mood. I’ve always been moody and usually I just go with it but these days, moodiness feels like an anchor dragging on me as I try to pick up speed. The workout and sunshine would pick me up, but the heat might kill me or make me feel physically sick because of heat exhaustion. I had a little of it yesterday. This is why I’m trying to get workouts done in the mornings – at least trying to get use to it. And the forecast has changed – the high is not going to be 81 anymore (which is evident now, since its 82), it’s going to be 88.

Doing crunches out of guilt now.