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BETTA

7 April 2018, 12:15

Anyway. Betta this morning.

Asprin, yogurt and marathoning Schitts Creek.

I look at the “new” car. It’s actually starting me thinking that I need to buy a grown up car. One with a car payment and a large insurance payment. I actually rather just own one outright. I’ve found some Eclipses that are nice. But then I’ve been looking at houses. A house is a fantasy right now, because I don’t know anything about the future. I need to find a place to accomodate my career path. I have to be near metro areas just in case I need to switch jobs. I thought about in between Greenville and Augusta, or maybe in middle of all three – Columbia, Greenville and Augusta. But then, I had a friend of mine last night say, “Where do you want to be?” I was sort of stunned. I have never had to think in those terms for a while. What do I want. Jesus. I was taken aback. Everything before was so laid out. I knew what I had to do – we found him a job, we moved to whereever that was. We bought the cars he wanted. We did the things he wanted. I even spent a lot of my own money on the extras he wanted so he could save his money. I am not accustom to even thinking about what I want. This is new. And to be honest, its scary. There are so many things I could do. There are so many places I could go. I don’t know. I’ve never thought about specifics. I just knew I wanted to be happy. Content. I don’t mind struggles. I don’t mind ups and downs. But, I don’t know how SPECIFICALLY that happens. I can drive the boat when I know where I NEED to go, but when its all open like this, its very intimidating.

I keep fighting the urge to DO something. All the divorce crap says NOT to make any big decisions for at least a year. You don’t even get beyond the divorce grief until 6 months to a year. So I’m trying to fight the urge to make big changes. I have to understand that I would only be doing it because I feel out of control of things, and doing something nuts like, oh, moving to the south after a boyfriend dies was not a smart thing to do. I do NOT want to do something nuts. I keep thinking there is something wrong with my status quo. The Volvo notwithstanding, everything is maintaining, and there’s nothing amiss with the status quo. The only thing in crisis is me. And. Well. It’s all right that I’m not all right.

This past week was a doozy. But. It got fixed. And I found out, there are many people in my corner who tried to help. So I have to breathe. I have to find calm. Because everything is going to be all right.