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13 February 2016, 20:16

Ah, an update.

Depressing as my shit is, I still choose to let it all hang out.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. And I got ole’ Dougie a little card and some chocolate I’m going to end up probably having because I like chocolate. I’m pretty sure I’m not getting anything. Oh well. Such is the nature of my life. It’s tiring getting upset at shit and I’m getting a little numb to the good and the bad that comes down the pike – although there have been times lately, I’ve been pushed to the brink – and I am pretty helpless as to do much about it.

So, I turned to the one coping mechanism that always makes me feel better. I flipped the fuck out. I did that for a while, and added a six pack on top which slathered the flipping out with a cathartic blubbering session.

And. I’m better. Right now, I have a heater warming my feetsies, I have dogs doing neato things, and I’m watching “Employee Of The Month”.

I was drowning in some self pity about three days ago because I got a survival job that, well, isn’t sucky, but felt sucky. It’s a lovely little admin thing where I don’t have to deal with the public, where I do EASY PEASEY STUFF, and where the people are really nice. I make a little over a fourth of what I use to make and I have to wear nice clothes. That’s probably the worst part of my job. The nice clothes part.

But with all of that, I was really feeling pretty worthless.

Then, I kicked myself in the ass. Oh and that flipping out blubbering session happened. Plus, I did receive a couple of calls for interviews for REAL GRAPHIC DESIGN JOBS, so now, I felt better – I am still shiny enough to attract some attention, my dogs are still here with me, I have food, power and internet. And. Well. I have a job. Not the calibre of job I was hoping for, but it’s a job with nice people. And actual American currency will be deposited in my account, so that I may put a down payment on this villa in the Rivera that I had my eye on…

I also feel better because there were a half a dozen design positions I was able to find and apply for so that made me feel hopeful. I’m doing all I can to just keep the wheels on the wagon and, it’s getting warmer. I am adopting the attitude that just because you backslide a little (lot) doesn’t mean it’s the direction you’re always going to be heading. We go forward. We go back. I’m one of those folks that will never be free of struggle or drama, even when I ACTIVELY seek to avoid it. So, I’m going to get a bigger set of oars to paddle up this stream.

And well. Whatever I do, I want to be able to do it well and with integrity.

Enlightened perspective, don’t you think? Yeah. Sure. Also. I just got to suck it up and get on with it.

I“m not sure what else to say. So, lets do a Flotsam List.

  • You got to be fucking kidding me with this Trump thing. I understand the sentiment that makes him popular. The petulant, angry child who is just mad. BUT WHAT THE FUCK? He hasn’t said rational thing ONE since this all started, he has proven he has no real concept of what it takes to govern, no plan for anything, and no cooth. I see us all going to war with Canada if we elect him.
  • Am I old? I don’t really feel old. I look in the mirror and I don’t have hardly any wrinkles but I do have what I call giant Dougie bags under my eyes. I wonder, also, if there is something wrong with me – am I racked with illness or disease that I don’t know about. I know what you are saying, JUST GO TO THE DOCTOR. If I do, I may find out there IS something wrong with me, and that will suck. I’m not ready to find out I have butt cancer or a bloaty-puffy syndrome that is going to kill me. Nothing hurts and nothing seems to be broken, leaking or painful.
  • I am starting to dislike people, not for anything specific, just on general purpose. I constantly have to talk to myself, saying “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING THAT POOR WOMAN A COCK-SUCKING LOOSE CHANGE WHORE FOR CUTTING YOU OFF ON THE HIGHWAY?” I always ALWAYS always try to curb that instinct to anonymously hate on people. I try to genuinely NOT be mad at anything, so that when I am, it’s usually for a very legitimate cause. I differ from Doug in that area. He is an active curmudgeon and misanthrope although he says he does it because it entertains himself. He says we differ in that his big bag of bile he regularly lets loose on people around us, random drivers, and people on TV is for self amusement, whereas I keep a murderous sublimated, crazy person rage inside of me and that I will eventually kill him with a knife as Asians are so prone to do. I do nothing to dissuade his notion. It comes in handy.
  • This is a rare point where I have NO IDEA what the future has in store. I can’t even predict what’s going to happen in a week, much less make plans. Don’t like this situation. Control freaks rarely enjoy not being able to have a plan. I’m not sure if this will snap my hamster off its wheel, but god help folks if it happens. Hoping any sort of flipping out won’t happen in public, but I can’t make any promises.
  • I can’t cook. I tried. I can’t. I’m getting better though, because I’m making edible things. No longer are we eating pink chicken and stew that taste like burnt flour. And I haven’t set fire to anything in a very long while.

Sigh. I want a treadmill. And to find out why my cat’s hair is falling out.

The answers to the universe I don’t need. Maybe just that cat hair thing.