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BIG TIRED

20 November 2008, 00:00

I’m tired. It feels like everything is going wrong. Or something is waiting to waylay me. I’m suspicious of everything to the point of being paranoid. I feel like I’ve been fighting six or seven battles and I’m tired, and weak. There seems to be NOTHING that is stable in my life, nothing on a firm foundation. Real or imagined, my anxiety is overwhelming at time.

I really am trying to keep a good attitude about things. I’m trying to stay positive. But there’s a hundred of things I need to fight and fix, I am so fatigued. I guess I’m still searching where I belong. At times I feel comfortable and I think I can manage all this, and then there are times like now where it feels all out of control. I can’t even control my own thoughts at times. I am in a vat of self doubt and I shouldn’t. I am a good person, a talented person, a smart person, but I can’t seem to make myself believe this. I don’t feel I deserve good things at this point. I don’t know where this all has come from but I wish it would go away.

And I’m out here and I feel very alone. If I started falling, if I sank into the quicksand, there would be no one there to help me. I always considered myself a very strong person. Very cold if I had to be, very resiliant, very independent, but I feel like I’m at the breaking point and I feel myself involuntarily reaching out for someone or something comforting and safe.

The anniversary of Ken’s death is coming up. It throws into sharp relief the things that are missing in my life and things that are still not nailed down. I’m losing the ability to trust, the ability to relax, the ability to continue the fight. I’m back to feeling like I want to lie down and sleep and not wake up. This is something from before – back when I had darkness all around me. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin very lately – and I don’t feel comfortable with the people around me. It’s because I don’t know them, they don’t know me, and I’m not sure I make the connections because it took me a long time to decide to reach out to this little community and now it will soon all be gone. I have only really one person in my life that has been (almost) a constant presence and have always been supportive.

I really am so tired. I feel guilty for not doing as well as I should, for not being more far along, for not being a better person. I feel guilty for considering giving up, for laying down, for being weak. I do wish for some peace, but I’m not even sure I deserve it. And to top it all off, I’m drinking a lot more than before. I’m not sure why. I think its about activity, and not so much about the alcohol. I use to do house/home things, but I don’t have a house/home anymore. I’ve feel I failed the dogs, they are hurt and less well cared for than I would like, but they still love me THANK GOD. I’m robbing Peter to pay Paul and just altogether ignoring Mary. I have thing precariously balanced and I do believe I have gotten into my head that it is all coming down on me any minute. This is not a good way to live.

I am trying to believe that tomorrow is another day. It’s hard to convince myself of this. It’s hard to convince myself that fighting and continuing on is better than giving up and laying down. I am at the breaking point.

Oh, have I mentioned it’s about 19 degrees at night now? And the house has no heat?