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BURIED

19 April 2016, 20:31

I’m burying this. So no one sees.

Why am I even publishing it if I don’t want anyone to see it?

Because I want someone to see it.

I guess it’s me crying out. I’m not sure for what though.

I’m not sure what help someone could give me, and I’m not sure if I was given what I wanted, I could ever trust that it was real.

I am a very lonely person. And my heart is breaking in two. I’m trying to be strong and its really hard.

I am trapped in a cage, and I guess it was of my own making.

I tried to love Doug. I tried to be the best kind of person that I thought I could be. I wasn’t perfect but every thing he wanted, something I had to correct in me, I tried to do it. I sacrificed for him. I went without so he could benefit. I really tried to accept so much of him, so many flaws he had. So many times he broke my heart. So much of the time he made me miserable, and I forgave. It’s not that I’m with someone who really doesn’t love me that is the most painful. It’s that he doesn’t care. He sees me hurt and he doesn’t care. He sees me beg and he doesn’t care. I am so low on his list, so off his radar. I allow him to take my self worth from me, I allow him to drain me of strength in some futile hope that at some point he might just care a little.

I am so lonely. I feel so unloved a lot of the time. And right now, I’m trapped. There’s a big part of me that hopes/wishes he would just wake up and say “Yeah, I love her, and we can do this together.” The smaller, smarter part of me knows it’s never going to happen and knows what I need to do to save myself. Living lonely, but not miserable, I guess.

Financially, it would almost be impossible to go it alone right now. I sold my car to save his and if he were to move out, he refuses to let me have the van. Apparently since I won’t let him do what he wants, I should be fucked over. I should be punished or hurt.

What does he want? He wants to be able to drink till he’s belligerent and horny for his old girlfriend. He wants to be able to text her, pine for her, play little head games with her. He wants all his misdeeds and meaness forgiven and allowed. He wants to be able to make fun of me, denigrate me, make me feel stupid and ugly. He wants to be supported and nurtured. He wants to be praised and adored. He wants to be served and catered to.

He wants so much.

All I want is not to be miserable. If I were honest, I want him to quit being mean to me, and maybe actually really love me. The voice in my head that says this is never going to happen is getting louder and louder, and my heart is breaking more and more each day.

I am really lonely. I am really hurting.

I can’t tell friends because I feel so guilty for my pain. Because it’s always the same old story with me. Because I could do something about it. Because I’m being weak. Because, ‘just fuck him’. Just leave. It’s easy, just kick him to the curb.

I think about it, and not once has he put his arms around me to comfort me when I was upset. Not once did he really SACRIFICED for me.

And now I’m trapped. Trying to figure out how to become independent again. Trying to figure out how not to forgive this time. Trying to figure out how to save myself. Trying how to figure out how not to love him.

Trying to figure out how to live with being lonely.