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CLOSURE

25 May 2018, 13:42

Fuck.

Only way to describe this.

I want to preface this with:

I know what I did wrong and still did it. I stayed with this man.
I shouted down my better angels.
I sacrificed myself for someone who thinks nothing of me.

I’ve paid that price.

Justice wasn’t totally done, but there was enough of it, that I am satified.

This, by far, isn’t the worst divorce in the world. He’s not even the worst man in the world. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t killed anyone, but don’t quote me on that.

I found out today, in front of god, in front of the South Carolina court system, that this man is a truly BAD man. His family and friends may or may not argue the point with me. They sympathize for the man, like I did. They THINK he is trying. He’s not.

Even now, I feel closure getting the best of me. I was dictating all this in my head on the drive home, what I wanted to say, what I wanted to reveal and now it doesn’t seem to matter. I got used. But. I am free now.

We went to court, and … well. He truly astounded everybody. He tried to argue with my attorney in the hallway, he tried to argue with the judge which didn’t really hit, and I don’t really think he realizes… how foolish he was. that adage “a man who represents himself, has a fool for a client” was demonstrated today. But, I’ll bet he spins it into whatever yarn he needs to to save face. I was thinking the whole time, man, you might just want to maybe at least sit up straight. We (my lawyer and I) hung back after the hearing and talked to everybody. I felt a great sense of… I can’t even describe it. Relief? The baliff and officers outside who were talking to me before, ask me how everything went and I regaled them with the antics in the courtroom. Jaws dropped and sympathies were exchanged. But, I felt no anger or even a real sense of injustice. Even now, talking about this, feels so unimportant. He’s not important anymore.

I’ll give you the highlights though. The things I wanted to do with this divorce is get him off my insurance to save me $4,000. To do that, I had to file and provide proof. That happened in February. The other thing I wanted was to protect my assets and my money. I actually now have a good deal of it now, and, Doug is always trying to take it from people. He took it from CBI and SC, he took it from his mother, and god knows who else. Those two things, I did. So, going into this thing, I was just wanted to be free.

This next part I can tell you now. For some reason, Doug was too stupid to know that if he had responded and filed in writing about item six or seven – whatever number it was – about paying lawyers fees and what not, him and my attorney would have dropped that clause and life could go on. I didn’t want money. They weren’t going to award me money, because he has no job or future. He decided to adopt the “ignore it and it will go away” attitude. So we go forward. I just want a divorce. I was unsure if he did have a claim to anything I had.

He moved in with his whore. His life went on, and now I realize that its a life worse than the one he left. I realize now, he can’t keep a job. I realize now, he can’t stop drinking. I realize now, he was unfaithful to EVERYONE (every woman he was with, by his own admission, by their own tellings). I realize now he can’t stop lying. I realize his life is going to continue in this fashion, this destructive, hurtful fashion. I was warned by the sister-in-law, by the father, by the mother, by some of his friends. That’s on me because I didn’t heed. We all have so much wrong and damaged with us, but, in this case, this extraordinary case, its such a deep well of emptiness in him and so much sadness, I can’t even begin to fathom his thoughts and how he doesn’t cease as an entity.

Both the witness (whore) and he were suppose to appear in court. I have to tell you, he looked rough. I almost didn’t recognize him. We went into the court room, him being represented by himself.

It was a farce. It was the funniest thing I had ever seen. He’s trying to be lawyerly, and the blonde court stenographer shot me looks when he spoke. He was making no sense. The lawyer countered him and the judge went with us. He actually said in court “Your honor, the witness they are trying to call is not the woman I initially had the affair with….”

OMFG. So. He’s been cheating all along. He’s been using me all along. I’ve been NOTHING to him. I was nothing. But, I am suspecting, that isn’t so unusual – he’s done this before, and he’ll do it again. I have been privileged to see something probably quite rare. A truly malignant parasitical person.

A wave went through me. I have been NOTHING all this time. All seven years, I have been nothing. I let myself be nothing. This stayed with me for a while.

(Right now, the things I wanted to write are seemingly less and less important. Maybe it just took a little reboot time after the initial injury….)

I left elated. We are continuing this, and I told her just to run out the clock. All the things I needed, I got. And I started to realize that, I had been cured of cancer. He’s a bad man. He has always been like this. And I was used. Like I said, not the worst, nor even an uncommon divorce. And I have to admit the last hour, I had been crying, not for Doug or the relationship but for the time I wasted and the fool that I had been. I, at last, had proof. He admitted it because he was scared. He admitted it because that’s all he could do and not go to jail. Finally, I think he admitted it and I think it was the first time he has told the truth in a long while.

But here’s the thing. I gained the world from this.

I have really great friends I didn’t know I had.
I have a bright future and a clarity that had been lost for a long time.
I have beauty and grace, humor and empathy, that survived all this, that survived him.
I have so many paths that opened up.
I found love in so many places.
I have the closure that I need. Not the justice I wanted, but the closure I needed.
And at this moment I have regained a sense of mercy.

I will not be calling SC Attorney’s office back for the fraud case. I am their main (only) witness to his fraud against the Worker’s Compensation Agency. It was very important for me before today, and now that has melted away. I am mourning. I am mourning time lost. I am mourning opportunities lost. I am mourning for the parts of me that were lost. I followed him when I could have been forging a new path for myself. There was so much I wanted to write but now, its not important anymore. None of that is important anymore. He revictimized me today, but that was, indeed the last time. He is somebody else’s problem now. And I have discover that I am a really good person.

I have so much to do, and so many people wanting to see and hear from me today. I really am in no condition to venture far out and I need a little time. But the world has opened up, and a weight has been lifted off.

I got the honesty from Doug at the very end that I needed.