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CONTROL

13 May 2015, 09:15

For some reason, I’m having a bad day that is getting worse every minute that passes. Stress? Self made crisis? I have always been a bit of a controlling person. Sometimes it feels like I have a planet on my shoulders and I don’t dare drop it. I have it intellectually down, that all this is irrational and borne out of a plethora of past events that left me feeling OUT of control. I fight so hard to steer the ship because of fear. I had it as a small child living in the chaos and pathos that was my home. It seemed it all was my fault, everything would be fine had I just been better or done better. The consequences of my inadequacy was that all around me suffered. I KNOW intellectually, I was never responsible for the things my father did to my mother, or the things my mother did to me. I know it INTELLECTUALLY. I don’t know it systemically. I couldn’t stop it all. I was too tiny. I was helpless. I can’t help the things I didn’t know, or couldn’t do. But when that happens to you, when helplessness is no longer a temporary state, but an ingrained companion, I don’t know if there’s any way to exorcise that.

Right now, I’m on the verge of crying. Intellectually, I know its for NOTHING. I know exactly what has triggered it, and where it all comes from, but like some large truck heading for you, I am helpless to stop the feelings that are making me weep. Being somewhat alone doesn’t help either. There’s no one to talk to about any of this. I can’t talk to Doug, because my failure of strength might cause him to falter. I HAVE to be strong. I just feel like I’m failing on so many fronts. And there’s no reason for it. How the hell do you find it in you to pull out of the rabbit hole you see coming at you? I counter all the negative thoughts I have with what positivity I can muster. I feel selfish and insecure and I can’t NOT feel like that. How do you stop something that comes from so buried in you and has such a powerful influence? It just takes me and whispers in my ears all my shortcomings.

I wrote so much more after the above. I wanted to just lay it all out. I wanted someone to tell me its all going to be all right. I deleted it all. Saying it out loud makes all those fears and failures real, I guess. I feel ashamed of it all, all that I can’t handle, all that I can’t control, all that I feel I’ve failed at. I don’t know if its all unfounded. I’m too scared to say it out loud, I’m too ashamed to say it all. And so many are going through events and crisis that are real and so much worse than I. I have the voice screaming in my head just to man-the-fuck-up.

I wrote it down, those fears that are plaguing me that I can’t get rid of, and it all sounded like so much self generated drama. I don’t know what is real, and what is not. It’s just hard because it feels like I’m paralyzed and I can’t do much to fix any of it. In my gut, I feel like I’ve done so much wrong. A lot of this wouldn’t be happening if I had just did things right.

I deleted it all because I feel like a burden. Saying it out loud makes me a victim. An illegitimate victim. I have no right to feel this way. Even just writing this little bit makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I hear the laughter of those at my weakness. It’s like I’m asking for sympathy that I don’t deserve.

The release of all this was triggered by one nasty southern woman. One I can’t confront, nor can I fix her real/imagined feelings of transgression by us. It caused just a tsunami of emotion in me.

I’m struggling to keep control.

And yet right now, the best I can do is I am struggling not to cry.

I think right now, I just want someone to tell me how to STOP me from feeling this way. I desperately don’t want to feel any of this.