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19 April 2018, 07:35

Yesterday was a milestone.

There were things holding me back from this bigger world I’m about to enter, and yesterday, I finally buried them. This whole month seemed like a funeral for the old. Even the car blowing up, was a portend of a new beginning. It was a car I really liked but, it wasn’t the car I REALLY wanted. I’m getting the car I really want now. And as an aside, SUCK IT VOLVO.

But, since I am starting to get antsy, like a horse in the racing stall just before the gun goes off, I decided to do SOMETHING about this holding pattern I’m in. My final divorce hearing is probably within a month, and that is the resounding bang of the gavel closing up that part of life. I see the next part, coming over the hill, and I see it is going to be greater than anything that has come and gone. I’m confident, I’m in a secure place, I am physically almost where I want to be, I’m mentally getting there, and I am tired of waiting to maybe make a baby step in that direction.

So. Yesterday. I finally made a little leap. I made a date. I’m calling it a date. Yes, its a date. No, don’t cheer just yet. It is setup for after the signature on the paper making me a single woman. A day after? A hour after? We haven’t set up an exact time, but, I am going to do this and not puss out. Its a dinner or lunch or whatever, so its not like I’m setting off on a trip to Mars. I hear a bunch of you just gasp in exasperation – I know, because you have before when I said I wasn’t going to disrepect my marriage and well, all that. Still not going to do anything that would violate my own sense of right and wrong. I know, I’ve said I had “things” before and chickened out. I have had a ton of acceptable, albeit age inappropriate, young men express interest. I’ve sat in the safe place of being “broken.” I’ve sat in the not-ready-for-prime-time penalty box. I’ve used my state and my status as a convenient excuse NOT to do this. I’ve used the fact that no age appropriate, acceptable gentlemen have asked me. Well, now, I’ve decided “acceptable” is good enough. He smart, he’s YOUNG (Chrreeeesssst), he’s very cute, and he’s FUNNY. The best part is, I haven’t seen any sign of severe mental illness, and that’s always a plus. Too bad a service like Car Fax doesn’t exist for people. I could put in his social security number, and get a list of all his damage and his servicing – maybe some past reviews.

This whole world has opened up to me. Not only in this little way, but in almost everyway. I can travel, I can move, I can make a home that’s my own, I can start TRUSTING others again. While other people’s worlds are limited by their own natures, and they are stuck in the mud, they will return to what they know, and the unhappiness they had. I feel like I can fly.

I am chomping at the bit, wanting this divorce to happen. Then, I can plan financially, I can plan logistically, I can plan spiritually, when I know where I stand in life. I’ve learned THREE THINGS from all this:

  • I really AM the person I think I am.

  • If it walks like crazy, and talks like crazy and quacks like crazy, run like a motherfucker the other goddamn way.

  • Shit. I forgot the third…

Oh well.