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DENIAL

9 June 2008, 01:00

So, as you all may or may not know, I had a job opportunity from a printing company to be folded into their organization. Almost a taylor-made situation for me, where I could do a job I would potentially love in an area I do love. And there was the dump that I could rent, that a squirrelly, redheaded landlady was offering me. Today, I got another job opportunity from a company almost exactly like one I had worked as Creative Director at a job or two ago. It is an AMAZING opportunity also, where I could be an integral key and the driving creative force in a company that I think has potential. The potential of really being big. It’s a TINY company in Asheville, but I think it could succeed. Anyway, it’s another situation where I think could be phenomenal for me. And ANOTHER person called to see if I wanted to rent a HOUSE in a good area, and they didn’t mind the zoo I’d be bringing. So, good god, when it rains it pours, eh?

Here’s the denial part. I thought I’d have two maybe three weeks to sit in Dodah and get my ducks in a row. I was under some cloud thinking I had all this time. I have about a week, maybe a week and a half if I could push it. I thought by the time I was ready to permanent move, I’d have 2k – I need to check with the friggin IRS, but I think I’ll only have half of that. I’m like a giant, poor, unprepared idiot. The house isn’t clean, I haven’t a place to store all this crap, Adam hasn’t come to take his stuff out of the garage yet. I’m going to have to think on this and call people and extend some deadlines and just, generally, have a giant Jersey cow over this. And this all just occured to me as I was kicking back here, watching FRONTLINE on my laptop. And an overwhelming wave of fear, and realization of my stupidity is currently drowning me. My mind is actually clicking away, trying to move dates and figure out who I need to call and what I need to tell them – so I’m chipping away at that mountain of an obstacle. So I’m feeling a little bit better about the situation – which, also, could be just more denial. I always think that if I’m not in major panic and crisis, maybe I’m not seeing things clearly, because if I could just see reality, I could see the MAJOR BOULDERS of crap bearing down upon me as I sit here unaware and playing with the peeling skin on my tat.

There are so many concrete issues I get to deal with now, I’m going to be pummeled to death from the cinder blocks resulting from the massive issue wall falling on me. Remember the gentler times when I was wanting something more than worries in the ether to obsess over? Something other than nebulous and vague ghosts over which to fret? Well, BOY, FUCKING HOWDY DOODY, do I have them in monkey-buckets. What am I going to do with all this shit? Do I need a self storage thing? How much is a self storage thing? What am I going to put in the self storage thing? What am I taking to North Carolina? Can I get my stuff, AND four very confused and anxious dogs in the car? Can I get them to North Carolina over the mountain? What motels will let the dogs in? I know one in Nashville. Will the dogs go insane in the car for the 11 hours it takes to get Nashville? Will they bug me while I’m driving and cause me to careen into a ditch? Can I do a lunch date in Knoxville at some point (heh heh)? What am I going to do with dogs once I get to North Carolina? I won’t have a place to put them that is fenced? Do I need to find a kennel? How much is a kennel? I need to get where ever I move to fenced in? How much do fencing people in North Carolina charge? How long does it take? Will I have enough to fence something in AND provide a deposit and whatever else they want? How am I getting everybody cross country? I’m going to need two or three days? Which situation do I pick? Where will I live if I need to wait a little while before I move in? OH GOD, AM I ON CRACK? WHAT AM I DOING?

When the company, and the house people called today, it seemed like my dreams were slowly taking shape and about to come true. I hate to say something is definite because I could be wrong, something could go awry, and my good situations and good luck could evaporate. But I allowed myself this afternoon to be excited and happy and hopeful. I was so moved by how this all looked like it was going to resolve itself, I cried. I cried in a fit of relief and in my moment of uncoiling, I allowed myself to be happy for a tiny bit. I remember all the people who said I would do fantastic. I remember the person who told me it would be too hard for me and I’d better not come or I’d need to wait or I need to do something else or I was making mistakes. I remember all the times I thought I couldn’t do it. I remember all the times when I pulled the extra courage and strength I needed out of my ass. I remember the times I was so scared, I almost became paralyzed with fear. And this has all happened in the last WHAT? month and a half? HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT?!

Right now, I have a realtor researching if I can sell the crackerbox, I have a leasing company on the verge of putting a “For Rent” sign in the front. I’m praying that lightning will strike the roof and set the thing a’blaze (after I get my clothes, computer equipment and dogs in the car). This is the last BIG problem I need to resolve. As I said before, I think after this, most all the other stuff will be a cake walk. Cake. Hmmm. Cake. Oh, yeah. Cake. Okay. So I’m hungry. I could use some pound cake and a pint of Chunky Monkey.

So I’m still cautiously tiptoeing around the decision on whether to declare things are going well. I am not superstitious but I don’t want to take any chance that fate is getting bored with the fact that things are going swimmingly in my life, and toss in a big, fat, horrible, monkey wrench in the gears.

I wonder if getting really, really, super drunk would help? Eh. I think not. Maybe not. Probably not. I drank all the beer all ready, anyway.

  • Hmpt ****

From: Dan
Subject: Re: Another update, cause my life isn’t boring
Date: June 9, 2008 10:29:37 PM CDT
To: Duh

>On Jun 9, 2008, at 9:09 PM, Duh wrote:

>Even more happenings.

>http://www.duhspot.net/rant.php

Dusty, you are more fun when you panic than anyone else I know.

Dan In Murfreesboro