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9 December 2007, 00:00

Kenny died.
Kenny died tonight at 8:30 pm. he was 47, and he was my world. The doctor said it might have been a blood clot that traveled to his brain.

I don’t know when I’ll be back here, I just wanted to let everybody know what was going on if I don’t show up for a while. Right now I think I’m in shock, and I’m making the phone calls and sending the emails I have to right now. I just wanted everybody to know that I loved him. I loved him very much. I can’t seem to feel like I belong to this world right now. I am so lost.


Kenny died. He was 47.

It feels as though half my life has died.

He collaspsed Sunday night in the bathroom. I heard a big noise and called out from the bedroom. I got no answer. I hear a lot of noise, I got up to see, and he was sitting on the floor with a screwed up look on his face and moaning and wheezing. I called 911. They kep20071209t me on the phone. I could hear him moving about, when I went to the door to let them in, he was moving about complaining not being able to breathe. The paramedics got him to the floor. I just stood there. I didn’t know what to do. they gave him oxygen and got him on the gurney and wheeled him out. I only called out to him to ask if he wanted me to call paul. he said no. I didn’t tell him I loved him. I regret that. I didn’t want to ride in the ambulance because I wanted to call his sister and get dressed – stupid selfish things I wanted. I didn’t think it was a crisis anymore. The doctor people have got him now. I didn’t call his sister then, cause I decided that was a stupid idea, that I had to get down to the hospital. I quickly jumped in the shower for like a minute, tried to find some clothes. I could only find kenny’s so I put on his pants and sweatshirt and hat and started to drive down to the hospital. I’ve lived here 32 years. I know where the hospital is. I started to forget where it was as I was driving. I started crying. I started talking to god. I pleaded for his life. I pleaded that it wasn’t his time, that he couldn’t take him from me.

I got to the hospital. he was breathing on his own but they wanted to get a CAT scan so they sedated and and put a tube down his throat. The chaplin came in to talk to me and said him being there had nothing to do with his condition. He was just in there to be with me. because I was alone. The doctor came in after a while to explain what they were doing and left. I was just crying and babbling and destroying kleenex. The doctor came back and demanded the lady on the phone next to me that he needed this room. He kept doing this, and I got up and said lets just go to another. they sat me down in the exam room and explained that as they were prepping him, they lost his pulse. They couldn’t get it back and he had to pronounce him deceased. I sat there. and it like my insides were ripped out. I was screaming inside my head but all I could do was sit there with my mouth open trying to breathe. They said maybe a blood clot had traveled to his brain or lungs or something I don’t quite remember.

After a time, they said do you want to see him. I went in there. It was the most horrific sight I have ever seen. I have never been so horrified in my life. Kenny was purple and swollen and cold. I started to scream. I wanted to get out of there. I touched his hand and he was cold. I kept saying to the chaplin that wasn’t kenny and I wanted to get out. For some reason he wouldn’t let me out for a minute. that wasn’t keeny. that big purple mass wasn’t kenny. for the next hour I sat with the chaplin talking to his driver’s license. After I whle I called shirley from work. I didn’t know who to call. she had become the closest thing to a mother I had now. they came up to get me and take me home.

I can hardly breathe. I can hardly talk. I think the only reason I’m even writing this is because I was sitting in bed and it all kept churning in my head like I was writing, so I thought maybe I should write.

I barely can talk without breaking down into crying. It’s like waves of pain come over me and I wail like I’ve been stabbed. After that its a dull pressure, or tightness in my chest. I have flashes of times Kenny and I were talking. Just dumb stuff. About dishes or about the tv. I’ve been talking to his driver’s license since Sunday night, telling him what’s happening, and telling him I miss him. I talked to his sister for the first time Sunday, when I told her he had died. She doing a lot of stuff, arranging stuff, stuff that I don’t know about, stuff that something inside me says I should be paying more attention to.

I don’t have a family. I chose my family. I chose the dogs. I chose Kenny. I chose a lot of you people.

It’s like the little life I was building has shattered and I am so lost. I’m in a haze. People who I talk to and people who come to visit are a haze to me, like they aren’t real. Last two days its been me and dogs at home. I’ve done most of the phone calls and emails I need to. and I’ve gone back to bed. I don’t know what it even looks like outside. Snow? I know its cold. I don’t know what part of his life I’m entitled to since I wasn’t married. It was 11 years this September. Paul his friend has been helping me a little with understanding what I need to do. We’ve talked a lot about kenny. He’s help me realize that he wasn’t perfect, but I knew that. He told me that Kenny wasn’t really proactive in taking care of himself – in fact he was in denial about a lot of stuff. I knew he had some health problems but I didn’t press in the beginning and when I prodded him to get health insurance or go to the doctor, I would get “I will” or “its nothing” or “you should talk, I haven’t seen you go to the doctor”. What’s funny I guess, is that I finally got him to get health insurance a little ways back and he was complaining to his sister that I was prodding him to get a physical and he was thinking about it. But I told him I loved him. almost everyday I did. I told him the dogs loved him almost everyday. He knew we loved him. That I cannot regret. I don’t know where I stand legally. I don’t know who am I anymore.

He was really always thinking about doing stuff like that. I have 30 boxes of his from the move, that he hadn’t unpacked. He said that he had time and he would do it later.

The dogs are here, I have the new one who is very empathic when I am crying and stares intently sometimes at the area where kenny collapsed. The other two boys are acting a little strange, and the little one is so close to death herself, I don’t know if she aware of much of anything these days.

I feel guilty when thoughts of a selfish nature pop into my head. My first and foremost thought is about losing the house. I am in turmoil about how this is all going to play out, whether I can keep the home that kenny and I started. This first real home. How does that happen. the first real home and 6 months later it breaks into pieces. I am so broken. I feel so drained. I have an open wound that is bleeding my soul away and I can’t stop the pain. I loved him and all his faults. the best part of all that was he loved me. He saw me true and still loved me. when I feel my ugliest he told me I was beautiful. he was there for me when I lost kodak. He was there for me when my soul was at its ugliest.

I feel abandoned. I feel angry that he didn’t take care of himself. I feel I’ve been robbed of a big part of myself. I feel that I should have been able to do something or say something or save him. I feel lost and alone. I feel so broken. I go back to feeling broken. I feel like I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how I fit in the world anymore. I don’t know how I’m going to do all the things I use to do – stupid little things like go shopping – I did them with kenny. I don’t feel I have the strength. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to do things, like breathe or walk or even eat. I’ve had some water. I just feel too sick to my stomach to eat. The daytime feels so horrible. The nights have becoming warmer and comforting I don’t know why. It’s winter and its cold. It seems I am clinging to anything that reminds me of kenny. his blanket, his shirt, his stinky pillow.

I know I have to eat. I know I have to talk to people. but I just can’t bring myself to call, I just cry. I feel like I am crying and I can’t stop. I know some of you have my phone so call if you’d like I don’t mind I don’t know why I can’t dial the phone.