21 February 2018

So. After seven years, Doug left me. He broke my heart and gutted my world. October 2017 I found out he cheated on me, and that November he ran away, leaving me with a shattered life, and more problems and pain than I could bear. The below is just the accumulation of slag and shit from those months. I still can’t conceive its only been about 3 months. You can see my progression through this as you read. It’s not pretty.

This is January.

Jan 18, 2018 11:05am

It’s SO cold out there.


So, I haven’t done a long one in a while, I thought it might be time.

2018 is, so far, awesome. We must kill 2017, burn the ground it stood on, and salt that earth so nothing will grow.

It’s January. I took off a good 10 days during January to… I guess the best description would be, heal and rest. I had so many plans. Exercise, clean, sit in the sun, take stock, and let the old evacuate my body. Turned out, I did almost none of that. I cocooned, froze, cut my foot open, and got bored. I came back to work early and said “fuck that spiritual hokey pokey”. I’m just not real good at true mindfulness.

For a while now, I’ve had myriad changes happen to me physically. I had almost stopped eating for two months, choosing to drink my dinners instead. This, caused me to lose a tremendous amount of weight and lose my taste for sugar. I can eat sugar in foods, and so very slightly sweetened foods, but I can’t have half sweet teas or cookies and the like. I can only have about three mouthfuls of pop and juice just kills me. Smoothies, though, I like and I’ve started eating yogurt again. Also, in the mornings, I would have about 20 seconds of convulsive dry heaves. Really bad ones. From stress? Well. I don’t have them anymore. And right now, I stand at a weight loss of 35.4 pounds since October 15th. And I’ve transitioned all the boozing and boo-hooing into eating healthy plus exercise. It has become a lifestyle change. I feel pretty and confident, thus, I seem to unconsciously treat myself better, wanting better things for myself.

The cut on my foot is healing… slowly. I run on it now, and the advice I got from the Ukrainian Quack at urgent care is just let it breathe, wear flip flops and don’t mess with it. Sure. Okay. Oh, and she wants me to eat more. Right. And not drink. Uh huh.

It’s been a long, journey from the destruction of my life in October to now, the ground breaking on the foundation of my new one. I realize that there was not enough worth in the old life, and Doug to warrant even trying to ressurrect any part of it. Doug is such a toxic human being and I was such a forgiving, empathic, selectively BLIND individual, seeing the best things in him (which almost all were an illusion), that it created a fishbowl prison, a feedback loop that allowed the worst things to happen and become normalized. It is a testament to my reserves of strength and gooey-goodness that I still had enough left to pull myself out of this hole, realize my self worth and revive life. I am back and forth about whether Doug is a true narcissist, but whether he is or not, my problems with him and his behavior were/are legitimate. I only am curious now as to his character to try and predict his future behavior so I can be ready for it. He is still silently stalking me, as he loves to inform me of all the things I’ve written. I suppose he thinks that I am obsessed in searching out things about him. No. Not even a little. As therapists say, especially dealing with narcopaths, NO CONTACT is the best way to be free of abuse.

I’ve had some amazing things happen to me, of which I try to update everyone as I can – the Comedy show shoot of which I am dying of happiness when I think of it. I am getting opportunities that are amazing – shooting bands, still having a job (unlike some of us I know), still having three dogs that are doing well, having so many people care about me, and regaining bravado and confidence that let’s me be a better person. All the things Doug said to me (my family doesn’t like you, the things you do are stupid, you are so unattractive) were so untrue. I was given the gift of truth – I know which things he said were lies. Some of it, I always knew but didn’t KNOW, you know?

So with all that under my belt, I proceeded to file for divorce. I did it without resentment in that I had to pay for it, resentment that I had to get a divorce, resentment that Doug used me. Almost all resentment that was eating at me had disappeared. Before the holidays, when I felt like flying, when I could let the music and sunshine in, all that ability to do that had returned. The only thing that I really have now is a wistful fantasy about him getting ran over by a car, and then just ENDING this thing. Or him going to jail for a long period of time. Some sort of karmic equalization of the scales. But its not even a requirement for my happiness.

The divorce is less than I expected and easier than I knew to execute. The timeline isn’t fast enough for me, but nothing ever is for me. The only hiccup was when I texted Doug for an address to serve him. He got nasty and weird demanding why we weren’t getting a “quick divorce”. Wha? Well, that showed that he lied about seeing a lawyer, since there is no such thing as a divorce that is quicker than the one I am doing. He’s ill prepared for this, though, he is very ill prepared for life and apparently the sage counsel he is getting on all this, isn’t so sage. He really is overestimating on how much I care about him anymore. What I want, involving him, goes only as far as finding out how to expedite ALL this shit. I am flabbergasted at the fact, I could have started all this in November which would make me divorced at the end of February. If only he had cooperated – just be somewhere to accept the fucking papers – and all this would be over.

But. That’s all I want, is this to be over, and that I never EVER see him, or his mother ever again. I like the rest of the family, and I am saddened that I won’t be interacting with Alison, Vince, Wes, Madeline or Alison’s family of whom I adored. But. I get my life back. In spades. In glorious color. In warm winds and tasty creams.

March 19th, I’m going to start looking at houses again. If all goes without incident, I will be divorced by May. I anticipate being able to buy a house after that, after I resave a down payment. I was smart with all this – I budgeted very carefully, and kept everything in good standing. And all the debt (of which I think Doug is not even aware of) that he accrued – and it is substantial, is not my concern. He has, at least a couple thousand in medical bills that went to collection, he can’t collect unemployment because he had defrauded UI of about $1,600 he has to pay back, he owes about $7,000 in back taxes, and currently he’s buying his food with a SNAP card with fraudulent personal information. I used to worry so much about how we were going to pay all that, how we could get it all back to good. I’ve been set free of that all now. I am able to only worry about my own finances, instead of drowning in someone else’s irresponsibility.

My dogs are adjusting. They are getting weirder, but in a manageable way. I love my job and my coworkers. I treasure my friends. It is SLOWLY getting warmer. And by the time May rolls around, I’ll be a new person – an emancipated and joyous person. A thinner, hotter old lady who smiles and doesn’t have the bags under her eyes like she use to.

How’s that for an update.

Jan 19, 2018 6:12am

OH JESUS H KRIST my head hurts. It’s SO fucking early for all these jackhammers to be going on…

So. I. Am. Finally. Unstuck.

And I am more than a little hungover.

All this time, this divorce has been plaguing me. I don’t know why it happened. I don’t know why my life had to end. I don’t know what I did to deserve any of this. And yet, I had to make it happen. I had to pay for it. I had to pay for the sins and whims of some other dumb motherfucker. And he was making it difficult. Something HE wanted. Something HE caused. And he was making it unbearable and hard for me.

One of the last obstacles for me in all of this was to have Doug served. And he was refusing to give an address to be served at. I have no idea why not. Some small power play? Some other dumb fuck reason? Who knows. I finally got a lawyer and papers filed, and we were all wondering what we were going to do about serving him. I finally took it upon myself to actually try and see if I could find him. All this time, I had successfully avoided even looking at anything involving him. I haven’t looked at his facebook and have him blocked. I don’t ask about him, I don’t care about what he’s doing except in terms of how it is effecting the divorce. I had him blocked on my phone for a long time. It sends me to a really bad place thinking about him or seeing his picture. It took a long time for me to get over this and now it looked like I was going to have to open that wound up again.

Doug is as clever as a box of rocks. It took me all of five minutes to find him. When I did, my stomach knotted up and I couldn’t breathe. I actually didn’t know what to do. I called my lawyer to inform them as to let them handle it. Turns out, they had known his address and all the serving and paperwork and what not is all set – he’s going to come down and sign papers when they are ready.

I was over the moon. Two thoughts immediately came to mind – 1) YOU BET MY LAWYER WOULD TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVED IF I ASKED and 2) JESUS, SO FUCKING WHAT? ROT IN LANCASTER, I don’t care.

For a little while, I just sat dumbfounded. So fucking what that I know where he lived. He didn’t hide very well if he was trying.

And then.

I let everything go. I was held prisoner by the emotional cage I needed to make for myself. I had no idea how this whole thing would play out for the longest time. I had to be hard and angry to get through this. I had to make myself NOT FEEL and be single minded because I thought there was a chance ugly was coming down the mountain to crush me. It was making me physically ill, and I was not the person I should have been.

And then we found him. He will sign papers. There won’t be a problem.

I let go. I can now just move forward and let it all go.

I immediately drank way too much. I was estatic. I was sad. I laughed and cried. I was able to mourn my relationship and my marriage. I was able to celebrate the beginning of a new year and a new life (a new scary life). I was able to let go of the last remnants of feeling for this whole thing (bad and good). Yes. I did cry. I did feel so bad for the life I had that is gone. I got to finally feel bad that there won’t be the good moments, the funny moments, and great moments with Doug – real or not. I can finally mourn the death of the future we were going to have. I can finally MOVE forward. I am unstuck. I can finally NOT be this person anymore, with this armour and hardness I was carrying around. I don’t have to be in Fight mode anymore. Doug didn’t understand, and probably still doesn’t, and I’ll venture never will understand just what he did to me – how much he ripped me up, and how bad my wound bled. Now I can finally, and truly heal. I don’t have to be this hard person anymore. I can mourn for myself because MY love was real. MY love was a gift and he threw it away.

The one thing that’s been bugging the shit out of me is how everybody, well-meaning people, say “oh yeah, I been there” and treat it as a normal thing – not a big deal. And, well, in the larger scheme of things it is. Divorce is normal and apparently has happened to everybody and their dog. But. It is a big deal to me right now. It is a tremendously large deal for me. It is the second most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me. It’s different from death in that, I feel like a failure. It put my self esteem in a meat grinder. It invalidated everything I thought I knew about my world. So everybody. I know you mean well. But. Stop saying stuff like that.

My head is throbbing. I have to go to work. I think I’m going to die. It’s way too early, and way too cold. But, its the first day of the rest of my life.

Jan 20, 2018 12:13pm

What a difference a day makes.

Running, cleaning, reading and thinking. Part of the “Moving On” book, is it advises a careful review and inventory of the whole relationship, and assess your part in it.

And I’ve discovered something. When Doug use to tell girls he was trying to sleep with, “Dusty and I have a business arrangement.” He was telling the truth. Problem is, I thought it was a relationship. I guess his job was to throw sincere sounding “I love yous” my way to keep me doing my job of taking care of him. Buy me an R2D2, and its a cheap way to keep your maid, bookkeeper, HR assistant and ATM. And maybe deep down inside, I knew what he was doing but I went along with it. For a long time, I went along with it.

I feel foolish for letting him do this to me. I think my basement level self esteem and vulnerability to his man was probably caused by the death of Ken and all the subsequent decisions I made in that area. It was the emotional work and grief work I DIDN’T do that made this all possible. I truly believe no one can continually use and abuse you unless you let them, and I let him do this to me. I let him imprison me in an arrangement where I got only the basics of a human connection. I accepted so little. I can’t believe that I thought that was all I deserved.

Even now, only when he thought he was in jeopardy of serious legal action, I got the perfunctory text “U Okay?” I meant as much to him as an appliance.

Sad. Because I am so much more. I’m worth so much more than the value that was placed on me. I realize that now. I see me so clearly. I should have fought for myself, I should have valued myself more.

All this review has got me thinking, just how many affairs there were that I didn’t know about. How much betrayal happened that I was oblivious to, or that I was gaslighted about.

And I let it happen. I let it continue. I forgot my own value.

I’m not sad or mad anymore about the affair(s) or divorce, I am sad and mad that 7 years were spent in futility – 7 years that I could have used to live a full life. The warnings and signs, even from Doug, I ignored. I was arrogant in that I thought I knew him. I was arrogant in that I thought I saw good in him where no one else bothered to see. I was arrogant in that I thought I was too smart to be taken in by him.

By the time I was done reviewing, I had a laundry list of small violations and giant felonies, done by both (Doug’s list is far longer than mine, though). Things I think others would have been aghast that had happened. Things he doesn’t want anyone to know about.

Part of the process of this recovery thing I’m reading is to make concrete, make solid the actual reality of the past. To take responsibility in the part I played in the relationship. I am ashamed at the things I did and allowed. And I guess that’s the next hurdle I need to deal with – forgiving myself for my complicity in my own predicament.

Jan 21, 2018 10:00am

tried running. got dry heaves and started bawling. for no reason.couldnt get past a mile. everythign says that maybe I’ll go through all the grief stages one or two times or maybe some of them happen at the same time. I don’t watn this. I don’t want any of this. I don’t wan t the sad, I don’t want the overwhelming uncomfortableness I feel being in my own skin. I don’t want to know him any more. i don’t want to cry anymore. I’m suppoe to feel all this. I suppose to let it happen. i want it all to go away. I’m ttrying to pull it together and do another mile. then there is financial disclosure for the divorce, and I’m just going to drive it down to the lawyers, just cause… just cause I don’t know what else to do. This week has been a banner week for sadness. instead of the 2 or 3 pounds I’ usually down, right now its 5. Almost have no 9s in my weight now.

…. okay pulling out of all this now a little. Fuck him for all this. I know I’m responsible for my reactions, no one “makes” you feel something, but it didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t have to be gutted like this.


I’m in an forward moving mode. I think I’m right on the edge of being in post-divorce, the internalizing of being OUT of that old life. I had a harder time of it than Doug, obviously, and I’m kind of jealous of his ability in that area, just to leave me behind, and go on like nothing happened. But I am feeling that I am internalizing my new life. I feel I’m struggling to let the last little bits of that life go. It’s the last little bits that are the hardest – once they are gone, then its all gone.

Jan 22, 2018 3:42pm

This is one of my good days. I had a little bout of bad, as you all know last week, but, reading my little recovery book and googling and bunch of stuff has made me realize that I am the one responsible for my own happiness.

So. Since I feel I’m on the edge of the next stage in all this, I have realized, I have never been a real single person. I was skinny and young in college and was single then, but I was stupid, as all young women are, and single being stupid I don’t think counts. I was struggling with life and understanding back then. The confidence I had back then wasn’t real borne out of experience and wisdom, but the bravado of youth. I did a LOT of stupid stuff and regretful things. Things I carry around with me now.

Then came Ken… that was a good hunk of my 30s. That was where I learned to have a soul and where learned kindness, and where I learned gentleness. That’s where I learned humility. That’s where I learned softness.

He died on me… The first of two LIFE GUTTING changes. That one sent me brave and crazy to the south, where, the time I was single was when I was isolated and alone – where judgement wasn’t developed and crisis was a constant companion.

Then came Doug. That was…. Well I don’t know how to judge that yet. I don’t have enough distance from that. I know that I am progressing in my healing because I see the relationship as it was mostly – I see the BAD as crystal clear as I see the GOOD. I can actually articulate the great things of that part of my life, but I can also reiterate all the BAD things. Someday, if I have hours, I might make descriptive laundry list of each. There were things that were nice, and there were things that made me lonely and sad, there were things that made me happy and there were many things that slowly chipped away at me. There were superpowers I gained from that, and there were wise lessons I even gained from Doug. And that’s where I learned to love deeply, and care about someone more than myself. I learned the heartbreak of love unrequited. And thats where I learned about pain from betrayal. And eventually I’ll learn about forgiveness.

But now. I have the opportunity to be single again. I am the kind, and caring person which I can thank Ken for. I can be the more brave and more crazy person which I can thank Doug for. I can be the smarter person, wiser person, than I was – and I can thank both a death and a divorce for. Physically, I am, I think stronger and more beautiful than I have been in a while. I have confidence instead of arrogance. I have real courage instead of empty bravery. I have true depth rather than a giant hole.

It’s not even about dating or anything. I’m a LONG LONG WAY from that… I neither have the the will nor the inclination to give the opportunity for someone else to rip a hole in my soul. It’s about being alone. Being all by myself. Trying to go through this life alone. Trying not to miss someone. Finding my independance again. Finding my strength again. It’s something that was forced upon me. But I’ll be damn, if it will conquer me, this new existence. It’s just about finding peace when there is no other voice to comfort me. It’s just about find solace in the solitary.

So. I am really scared shitless now. It’s like learning to drive by reading a book and then suddenly being put behind the wheel on the Autobaun. Everything is new and scary. I will see and feel the good and bad of all this. And dear god in heaven, how the hell am I going to do this? I’ve read blogs by divorced people, I’ve read the medical and psychological journals, and I’ve kind of winged it, making a bunch of mistakes so far. Hopefully, I got some things right too. I hope to HELL I’ve learned what I needed from all this, because, if anything, that needs to be the thing I do or this whole shitshow was for nothing.

I have opportunities, and I have obstacles. It’s be exhausting trying to be positive all the time, and I’ve learned I don’t have to be. So, I let myself be all sorts of shit – bad, good, bitchy, horrible, kind, and beautiful.

I must say though. The one thing I can’t get over is actually feeling beautiful. That has always been a big hammer that has been used to pound me down. I was never pretty enough or pretty in the right way. And now. I actually believe I am. I look in the mirror and I see it. That scares me too. Lots of things about my world I was sure of, now are just illusions made of vapor. So I got to define a new world. And. Seriously. I have no idea how to do that. I am purposefully trying to build a totally different world than I had, different habits, different rituals, different attitudes. And. Seriously. I am scared fucking shitless.

Good days and bad days. I’m having them.

Today was a good day.

Jan 25, 2018 2:45pm

I zipped up all of Doug’s pictures/videos, put them away, and then deleted them off the FB… That was about the hardest thing i’ve had to do in a long while, and I’ve been to the emergency room a bunch of times.