21 February 2018

So. After seven years, Doug left me. He broke my heart and gutted my world. October 2017 I found out he cheated on me, and that November he ran away, leaving me with a shattered life, and more problems and pain than I could bear. The below is just the accumulation of slag and shit from those months. I still can’t conceive its only been about 3 months. You can see my progression through this as you read. It’s not pretty.

This is November 10th through 20th.

Nov 10, 2017 6:27pm

So I got home today. I talked to Doug. We had a long talk about a lot of things. We are splitting. After 7 years, we are splitting. He just doesn’t feel about me the way I feel about him. He loves me. I am his best friend. I could be one of the best things that’s ever happened to him. We just don’t have that great “love affair” and he feels that we’ll just end up miserable together.

I love him more than life itself. For me, he was my love affair. He made me happy, he made me crazy, he made me mad, he made me sad, he was the man I wanted to see every day, the one I had hoped would see me as his love. For him, love ended at the water’s edge. For him, were the best of friends and that was it.

This would be so much easier if I hated him. My heart wouldn’t be breaking in million pieces if I thought he was horrible. It would be a cake, if I didn’t love every part of him – the good, the bad, the ugly. And the worst of the worst is that I’m losing my best friend, and I will never see or hear from him again. He’s taught me strength, he given me much that I can’t even put into words, he’s given me happiness I’ve never known. He’s also brought me to agonies and miseries that made me hate him… for a little while. I’ve never stopped loving him, and I’ve never stopped believing in him.

I don’t know how to do this. It would be so much easier if I could hate him. I would delete his pictures, I’d get rid of all that reminded me of him. I don’t know if I can or I should or even if I want to. I have no idea what the next step is.

How do you delete love.

Nov 11, 2017 6:49am

And so it begins, I guess. It’s the start of an ending, of a life breaking apart. I’m up. It’s way too early. Doug and I ended yesterday, and he, I would guess couldn’t take being here with me (it was too hard, he said). He was going to go drive around˜and text me later. He’s not been back home.

I have not been able to sleep. I have VERY quickly reverted back to the habits I had just after Ken died. I had to have the light on and the TV low to even lay down. I haven’t been hungry for weeks now and haven’t really eaten since my car went Kaplooey. I’m wondering how I got here, what I did to convince myself this was my true path – it showed itself to be not. By all accounts, and outside accounts, and friends accounts, and family’s accounts, Doug wasn’t a good bet to lay your money on. From the beginning, the VERY beginning, I had vowed that whatever happens, wherever the road takes us, I am always his friend. Back then, I had healthy wariness of him and there was a few times I could have left, and did try once or twice. I knew he was getting over TWO women he seemed very much in love with. I even encouraged him that if he really wanted these women (either) he should go with his heart – that I would even help him in his quest. Way back I loved him, but i loved myself more.

Over and over again, he clung to me and he push me away, always a seesaw. I was strong, I was understanding, I was his friend, I was his lover, I was his protector, and I was his advisor. Even he will say that I was the best thing that happened to him and probably saved him from a lot of things. That is what he says. The thing is, about Doug, he fibs a lot. I don’t know, and will never know, how he really feels. I’ve been able to tell by his actions, never by his words. It’s taken 7 years but I know him very well. Because if you look at both of us, we are exactly alike. We react mentally and physically exactly to the same things, we have almost the same sense of humor, thought patterns are a like. There are key differences, but not enough for me not to be drawn to him for this reason. I realize that was a big part of me forgiving over and over again. He was me, and too many people in the past had given up on both of us, or written us off, and I was determined not to be that person. I would always be here for him. And, although we can’t have a relationship or friendship now, if he was ever in trouble and needed my help, I’d be there for him.

We’ve been through so much together in the last 7 years, and although Doug will say “we’ve never really been happy” that’s another fib. We’ve been happy. We’ve been sad. We’ve been miserable. We’ve been bored. We’ve been angry. We’ve been mundane. Doug is unahppy now. I believe it has a lot to do with the overwhelming circumstances of things in his life. He has no money, no job, some of his recent endeavors have just crashed and burned spectacularly and our relationship isn’t one of Romeo and Juliet. I believe we could have weathered a lot of this, had he not had the affair. But that weighs heavily on him, and he uses it as one of things to run away now. I have, in the last 7 years, grown to love him more than my own life, and don’t want to trap him somewhere he doesn’t want to be. I let it all go.

Everyone, and I mean A LOT of people have taken me aside and warned me about Doug, or have asked me “WHY?”. I had one of his friends who had just met me “he doesn’t treat you well, why are you with him?” I think about all that I have been through and put up with. He accepted a lot of me that I thought were unacceptable. That meant the world to me, so I think that’s why I accept so much that I shouldn’t have from him. He is also smart, and funny, and talented. He has a great capacity for caring, and has the potential of a million burning suns. And (he’ll love this one) he is a very handsome man.

I sit here, my stomach is churning. I worry about him and at the same time feel betrayed. I love him and at the same time feel like a fool. Because I knew better. It’s not all Doug’s fault. If I were honest and wanted to face the truth, it would be Doug could never love someone like me. I am a strong, intelligent, non-trusting, selfless person. I am not materialistic to the least, and I am not needy. Doug has a predefined structure for his life – THIS should happen, THAT should be like THIS, NO deviation should happen. Doug needs to be needed. Doug needs someone who vunerable so he can be strong. Doug needs a lot of things that aren’t me. He joked one time, that he should have picked the girl with big tits and that was dumb as a lamp.

There were/are a lot of flaws that come with him, that he keeps hidden very well. I was one of the fortunate ones who really knew Doug. I hope he speaks well of me when he does, and I hope he knows there will always be someoen out there who loved him unconditionally. In the end, I couldn’t be what he wanted. And that breaks my heart.

I’ve posted this on doug’s facebook. I’m sure he will delete it because it doesn’t show him in the most perfect light, but I wanted to show people who I was. Nobody knew me, except for being a name on a page. I’m not even sure how I was talked about, or even if I was. I just wanted people to know, I WAS somebody, and not just the sum of a name on a page or a someone’s passing thoughts.

Nov 11, 2017 10:46am

There’s a lot of things you go through in life that you don’t know. I’m not talking about the BIG things like death or divorce. I’m talking about the little things dealing with death or divorce.

When somebody dies, there’s no book telling you what to do. Like, what do you do after they tell you? Call somebody? Call somebody abou the body? Where does the body stay? Are you suppose to take it? Are you suppose to go home? What do I do now I’m home? How do I arrange funeral stuff? Transportation stuff? What do I do with death certificates? All sorts of little things like that.

Divorce seems to be the same way. I’m not sure what to do now. We did a bunch of fighting, but there is no hate or anything, and it seems to consist of a bunch of sitting around and watching TV. Seeing what we are going to do about lunch. Does he leave? When does he leave? Does he take stuff? Do I need to call a lawyer? Who pays for the lawyer (I think he should since he did all this shit)? Does his shit stay here? Does he stay here till he finds a place? What about rent and stuff? What about switching over bills and shit? Dividing stuff up? I think that stupid cat goes with him too. It’s all surreal and mostly seems like its a cartoon. I’m starting to think he’s doing this because of the affair – the looming potentiallity that we both will end up miserable. Doesn’t seem like a solid enough reason for a divorce, but Okay, I can go with that. I still don’t know what needs to go on and there isn’t that urgency most people have when they are getting a divorce because they each are overboiling with hatred for the other.

Jesus. And being a control freak, its hard to take Cher Watkins Wheeler’s advice to just “be”. He comes home, we have one big screamy-memey about the FB post (“It’s EMABARASSING.” “No, SHIT, Doug. You shouldn’t have done the crap in the first place”.) and now, sharing a blanket, watching TV. Talking about what’s going to happen for lunch. Still divorcing. Still not Romeo and Juliet. Still a massively messed up situation. Just watching TV waiting to nap.

I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.

Oh yeah, he didn’t block me from FB, he just deactivated his account. He says “I’d never do anything like that to you.”

Like I said. Twilight Zone.

Nov 13, 2017 5:48am

So here’s a strange twist. Sad and panicked have been my normal state for a while. This weekend we struggled to get a handle on what is happening I think. Sunday and Saturday, the relationship seems normal again. I’m talking before the bad thing, just normal. So at this point its a cue for me to ask a bit about “was it all bad” and “why did you stay” and all that bullshit. He says no we had a great thing for a while, and it was going, and we were building towards something and then it went downhill (in my mind, it coincide with all the things that went south for Doug). So I ask, well, what the hell happened. And a bunch of stuff like we just now are best friends living together, I stopped trying dot dot dot – shaving my legs regularly, caring whatever. There are too many dogs. But the dogs, I like the dogs. We couldn’t live someplace else, we’d have to have a big yard (you want to live in the country with big yard) but I love the dogs blah blah balh. I said, well, I DID start trying but you were suppose to try to, and not turn inot an immovable sour depressedd blob that doesn’t do anything. He says I’m the best girl, better than most people, blah blah blah, if only I were blah blah (shaved legs, thinner, cared more blah blah)

Then something in my brain snapped again. I was no longer fearing divorce. I was no longer sad about it. My brain said, welp, okay, let the motherfucker have the divorce, OMG if that’s what he can come up with, sure. I’ve seen him on his own. He was living the sad single life, but yet called me to come hang out all the time. So let him do his single thing, let him find a girl that is like me but better. Jesus. He’s just wanting the better, the greener grass that may or may not be over that hill. Oh good god, its fine. Not even sad anymore. It’s all butta.

Just all a big pile of bullshit. Sheer bullshit.

Nov 14, 2017 9:37am

I keep wondering if this is hard for him. I saw how other break-ups were for him. So much passion, so much love, so much bile, so much hate, in those other situations. There is no giant hate, there is no giant… anything. I see him building walls between us, being distance, and I wonder why its so easy. It’s hard for me. I vassilate from anger to panic (not so much anymore) to sadness to fear to hope to slight excitement. Trying to control it all. Trying to get a handle on it all. It’s always been a mystery to me. Big parts of him he’s kept hidden from me. I think I know him as well as anyone, maybe better, and still I have wandered through the last 7 years not knowing things I should. Even now I wonder if he saying XXXX just to comfort me, just to make me feel better or whether he actually means it. There’s just no… emotion… no crack in the wall that lets me know if its true or not. I suppose that’s telling in itself. I want to believe the last 7 years weren’t a waste. I want to believe they meant something to him. I want to believe that I’m not an albatross that he’s finally tossing off and he’s gaining his freedom.

Slowly, I’m obsessing less on all this. I guess its a day at a time. I’m so trying to learn the lessons being presented to me, especially the one from Cher Watkins Wheeler, “just ‘be’”…. That is the hardest one, my dear. Oh GOD that is so hard for me.

Nov 14, 2017 9:13pm

got an awesome car tonight. cried. the social worker/guy who I bought the car from listened to my bullshit for a while. that little bit. saved me. LOVE MY NEW CAR. And I’ve written this post about a hundred times. Changing it. Editing it. Trying to decipher what is bitter to what is truth. I debated what would be gained in posting some things – doug wants credit in me getting this car. I’m almost floored in that. Floored in his forgetfulness in what I have worked for, in what I have sacrificed for him, what I have done for him, in what has been taken from me because of him. When he said that in the car, I almost started crying. I was flabbergasted in his ……… I don’t even know what to call it at this point…. I just sat there…. WTF and YOU’VE GOT TO BE KDDING ME. You’ve GOT to be kidding me? REALLY?

I realized that the things he says to me in private – me and him – are something so different than what he shows, even to those close to him.


omfg. Just triggered in me how I am the bad guy to people. GOD. I’m so dumb and smart at the same time. OMFG. I can see now how smart women can be that woman, the women I judged. the ones I judged as HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID.


Nov 15, 2017 7:00am

You know what I like about beer? Gives you that “Fuck YOU” that one needs.

Big horrendous dog fight this morning. Dealing with fucking drunk doug, hangover from three to six beers or more. who knows. He’s moving. I’m broken. I have past the point of being able to handle any of this. And it shows.

AWESOME new car. I sat and cried with the social work/guy I bought i from. We determined A) I’m going to be all right B) He’s a narcissitic personality. My hand hurts from breaking up a dog fight, my head hurts from trying to make a connection with doug that he just shut down just because, my body hurts cause I’m tired. Tired like I’ve never been before. I’m just straddling the fence between living and dying.

I don’t think anybody’s really hurt from the altercation except for me, but I’m use to dog fights. I’m about to puke but that’s normal for me now in the mornings. and I“m heading toward work in a new car that gives me an unlimited amount of joy.

I guess things could be worse.

Nov 15, 2017 9:46am

I love my job. I love my dogs. I love my new-to-me car. I love my life. I love what the future is presenting me. I even love Doug. I just need a break. So in need of a break. I’m so broken at this point, I“m past breakdown going into the paralysis mode. I’m bleeding profusely from breaking up a dog fight, I’m wounded because of Doug and I’m sick from not taking care of myself. I couldn’t stop crying and I just broke this morning. It even scared me how deep in the weeds I was.


Apparently it is moral sin level wrong, and unforgiveably insulting that when I got married, I didn’t take his last name.
I’m really tired of everything being my fault.


This is no fair. I’m having waves of anxiety, almost crippling anxiety and I’m not even thinking of anything. My mind is kinda blank and numb, and I’m STILL getting these waves. Subsiding a bit now but damn.

Nov 15, 2017 5:46pm

Well. This day is finally over. Anxiety fits and all… Doug moved out. The house is an eerie kind of empty and his side of the closet is empty. I feel sick. The dogs are freaked out. Hurley especially. I’ve got them all close. And it feels good. Hurley has a little owie, I have to look at that. Doug had said he’d clean when he moved, but he didn’t. This weekend I’m going to clean this place. I’m going to miss him so much. I can’t see how I can do this over and over again for weeks, maybe months. Doug had it better. He moved to somewhere new, with new distractions. He has tons of friends up there and its just new with none of the baggage and responsibilities he had down here. Theres garbage noone took to the dump and just a lot of leftover Doug all over the place. Jennifer Keller Vaz says it will get easier. I can’t see that. I have waves of anxiety that turn into panic.

There’s so much to be done. And its cold.

I hate that its winter, it just adds to the horrendous feeling. I am afraid of silence now. I was in a desperate panic to turn on some sort of noise. Doug took the TV so, I had to stream something on the computer. I’m not even paying attention. It’s just a comforting drone in the background. And, as when Ken died, I can’t go to sleep in the dark and the silence. I made it home though. And I like my car. I had to text Doug about something and he’s not answering back. Maybe I pissed him off yesterday?

I have the session with the counselor tomorrow. I don’t know what to expect or even what to do. It will be someone to talk to, someone to help me, someone to care I think.

It’s so cold. I wish he would have closed all the storm windows at least before he left. It’s almost like he turn off all the caring he had for me. I feel nauseated and ill. I hate feeling like this. I wonder if its easy for him. I wonder how he’s coping, or if he even has to.

Jesus. 7 years. So much invested. It was such a big cost to me. I remember the good times, but there were a lot of bad times too. I don’t know how to even begin to process all this. How do I even operate anymore?

I guess I’ll start by turning on the heat and checking the windows.

Nov 16, 2017 3:55am

i’m up… it’s quiet. Slept a. bit, dogs surrounding me, cat on my head now. I think they all feel it. The difference. The change. My anxiety has lessened quite a bit. I wonder if a lot of what I was panicking over was the splitting up/leaving. He’s gone now, and a resignation has taken over – my brain just clicked over to that I guess. Been thinking a lot about all of this (of course). I think now I suspect and believe he left me for another woman. A lot of his behavior and reactions lead me to believe this, now. I am mostly sad and annoyed that even at the end, even when it couldn’t matter at all if he lied, he wasn’t able to tell me the truth. I’m not even sure he will miss me and the dogs. I have mostly resignation – the sense of loss is fading as it feels like, and I’m going to try to explain this as best as possible, that what I lost, I didn’t have. I didn’t have his love or his committment. I’m sure he didn’t tell me so I wouldn’t make a public scene about this. Suffice it to say, this is what I think happened, and for a lot of reasons. Mostly because he was bored and trapped. Unconditional love wasn’t enough, forgiveness wasn’t enough, and in the end I wasn’t NEARLY enough.

I’m not sure how I’m going to handle the holidays. I pretty much know only what i’m doing through… say Sunday. All my moodiness has stablized and my mind is starting down the road of being able to distract itself. And. at last. I can, not only remember some of the bad times, I FEEL the way I felt during them. I can tangibly feel how those times were. We had good times, and we have probably a lot more bad times than i care to admit. I thought there at the end it was growing and getting better, but it was lie I think. When Doug’s world fell apart, his carefully constructed scaffolding of self esteem and facade crashed down – he was bare and vunerable to the world. And maybe he was always looking for a road out. Maybe I was a convenient spot to hold up until something better came along. The real tragedy is that I let myself really love him, deeply and completely. I can’t regret that. It’s absolutely an astounding feat and amazing ability to be able to do that. I don’t regret the love. I feel bad that the receipient of my gift threw it away like it was nothing.

On to the business of living I guess. I have to sit down and do my budgets and see where I am money-wise. I missed the window of taking him off my insurance. So, unless we officially file for divorce, I have to wait till next November to do it. He needs to file. Or talk to me about it so we can file and bear the cost together. Or he bare the cost since it was his infidelity that did us in. He won’t talk to me or return text. So part of all this is also running away, just ignoring things, maybe hoping it will all take care of itself without him putting in the effort.

I need new clothes. But from experience, I need to wait a while till everything normalizes, or I’ll be getting new sets of cf them every month. Right now, I’ve pulled out some jeans from about 7 years ago, and I can almost wear them. that would be about three or four dress sizes down. It’s been about 16 solid pounds in a month. I still can’t stomach the sight of food, but have been trying to choke something down everyday. I have to get meds for the dog, and I have to do something about this house. He has destroyed this house. It wasn’t dogs, it wasn’t me. He has done a number on a major part of this place that I’m going to try and get back to right. I’m noticing that when I think about it, just about everything he’s touched, he’s literally trashed. He’s left the pieces and the mess for others.

Sigh. I have therapy this morning, of which I’m going to try and go back to sleep here in a minute so I can rise for that. Him moving out, clicked my brain over to another mode. I thought maybe I needed a massive amount of it, and not I think, not so much. He is a lost cause. He didn’t want to change to make himself better, he didn’t want to face his failures, and he seeks out salves and soothing as a child would, consequences be damned. He ran to this other life, this other woman, this other world, and well I hope it works out for him. I haven’t ever seen it work out for him before, so I don’t hold out much hope that his situation will change. Mine, I hope will. I have traction, I have talent, I have love, I have self determination. I just thought I wouldn’t be starting over yet again.

Nov 16, 2017 11:25am

Counseling is going to be a regular thing now. It has helped tremendously. I just wish Doug would get into it too. There’s so much he could gain, it is a safe space to look at yourself. Nobody judges, and there was no hippy platitude shit. It was a caring person, who was there for me and let me be me. Let me be the worse part of me, let me be the best part. It does give you a sense of peace. It does calm your mind. And it wasn’t hard. It was just… “being”.


Went to counseling and it was pretty fucking amazing. I poured out everything and I felt better. Lighter. She listened and she advised.

The takeaways:

1) Doug is pushing away – with his issues, he might be leaving me before I leave him. He may see me going places that he can’t or won’t come. I may be growing/evolving and I’m not in the same place that he was comfortable with me in. I was probably the healthiest relationship that he had and I was safe. That’s why he stayed.

2) I apparently see the good in Doug. I am an extraordinary woman, and have extraordinary strength.

3) I’m mourning what was, and what could have been had Doug been able to evolve and grow with me and stay.

Nov 16, 2017 1:28pm

Death and divorce. Some say its the same sort of tragedy. I don’t think so. I think a while ago, Doug said his breakup with Jennifer was worse than what I suffered when Ken died. I think his reasoning was that Jennifer was still around and the pain or something was continuous? I’ve done both now. Death is worse than divorce – its a dark and black place that scares even me. Divorce is a continual and sickening process. It’s a roller coaster of shit, and I have to keep myself from gravitating to Doug and Doug’s existance. I have to redirect my focus on something else, anything else. Death takes your focus. It takes your breath. It takes everything away. You have to search in the dark for yourself again. Divorce isn’t like that. I feel myself somewhere in all this muck. I feel there’s light and hope somewhere in all this yuck. And there’s was never a long time when I felt that it was all hopeless. I’ve had that touch me and spent a short spell sitting on me, but its not like the hopelessness of death. The finaliity, the life sapping energy draining vaccum of being in the grips of death.

So, while this does suck unbelieveably, it doesn’t suck as much as death.

Nov 16, 2017 3:06pm

I’m sorry. Everytime I get that tightening of the chest I get on here. I wasn’t even thinking of anything, I was doing work. Just the chest tightening and the breathing starts becoming shallow.

Actually, thinking of this, I’m doing very different than how Doug dealt with his breakup with Jennifer as far as I can tell. And I don’t think he love her less than I loved him. He delve into depression, drowned in alcohol, and engaged in a tremendous amount of destructive behavior. I don’t even know if he found another person like me, that would have helped him through? What would have happened if he hadn’t have found me? How bad would it have gotten?

I don’t believe I am hurting any less. I don’t believe my pain is easier than his back then. I guess I am dealing with it so much differently. He could have went to his insurance and gotten help – counseling – treatment. He could have done so many things, that I have access to now. I thank god that I have these things. I have friends. I have a support system. I have professional help. I have the willingness to open up and be fixed. I am so sad for him that he didn’t. I don’t know how he feels now, whether our breakup is effecting him in any way. He did say something a while ago saying it would be the worst thing that would happen to him, him losing me. I don’t know. If it is bad for him, I pray that he finds help like I have. The help has saved me. My patient friends have helped save me. It has helped me go from Day 1 to Day 2. And it will help me at Day 30 and Day 60 and Day 90. I will never be “cured” of Doug, because he was that much of a part of me, and I loved him that much. But it will not cripple me. It will not be a wound that will never heal as so many of his are.

Nov 17, 2017 5:40am

Day Three, and I guess I’m almost done with Week 1. Almost slept through the night. I made up the bed with soft clean sheets and three nice blankets. The dogs now havea rountine of dancing around, fiding some spot on the bed. Hurley has meds,, and calmed down a bit. He did have some prolonged crying fit, I’m not even sure about what. I’ve set up one of the computers as my TV. I still can’t sleep witout the light on and noise going, so I set up seasons of TV to run quietly. I’m still waking up. a couple times a night, and the dogs are responsible for at least one big giant freak out, but all in all, its real and deep sleep. There were NO anxiety attacks when I got home. No chest tightening, no shallow breathing. I just have so much to do its overwhelming.

Doug left me with a ton of bills, and a ton of things to do to this house. He just up and left, said I fucked up stuff and you deal with it. Carpets, cleaning, mess. At least he could have found a little bit of man in him to not do that. I looked at everything and wept a bit – the silent tears coming down my face as I surveyed everything I have to do, everything I have to manage, everything I have to pay. I don’t even know where I’m going to get the money. The money he did give me, I had to buy a car (THAT I TOTALLY LOVE) with, I have to pay bills with, I had to pay the rent with, I’m going to have to pay carpet cleaners, and other things with. After all the expenses, after all these extra joys he’s left me holding the bag on, I’ll be left with about 400 dollars. I guess that would make him a deadbeat as well as a cheater. I am now only realizing all the “love” he had for me was a lie. And I was a fool.

Yeah, I’ve gotten some anger in all of this. I was folding towels, and I realized about two of them are from the hotel he fucked that woman from. I actually remember when they appeared on the bed – I had asked about them and he said he and Mark stayed at a hotel. The air left my body as I realized he just had bold faced lied to me, and he did it so easily. Jesus christ, I was just nothing to him. You don’t lie to people you say you love like that. I usually don’t things like this, but I’ve decided to have a little fire tonight after work. I can’t believe. I meant so little. I can’t believe it was so easy to treat me so badly. There are people out there saying, Doug’s really a good guy/Doug didn’t mean it, etc. I am floored how people will defend him, which includes all the bad behavior – the constant degrading I went through, the insults, the insensitivity, sometimes the downright neglect, the fact that I had to face of that I could not count on my husband/boyfriend/partner because there were even odds that he would fail me. You don’t understand that despite this, I had always tried to be positive, I had always tried to be supportive, and loving. I made sure nothing happened to him, made sure he got taken care of – if money was an issue, I sacrificed what I had for him. And yet. I think some people think I should bare blame for this. I think it may even be from what Doug is telling people about me/us. I have screenshots of lies he’s told his mistress, so I know that its all still apart of him. She’s not any different than me in the beginning. She may be smarter than me at the end though, and send him packing sooner than later.

Might have a little fire with the towels. My friend Susan suggested it and I’m on board with it.

I had a strange dream that Doug brought me a sandwich, and was trying to force me to take this sandwich. My mind is telling me I have to eat. I tried – HONESTLY. I had a half a can of soup, and for the first time in maybe a decade, I threw up. And I NEVER vomit.

Eating and self care are not going well. I have tons of well meaning people saying I need to do this, and I KNOW. KNOWING and doing are two different challenges for me.

I have a whole new mountain to deal with, one a little easier than the man I loved leaving me. I’m realizing the man I loved, the man I sacrificed for, the man I invested in, the man I believed in when no one else does, the man I would have given my life for, didn’t love me – it was all a lie. All this proves it. I was thrown away with little regard. I did little to deserve any of this. And there will be people out there still defending that he’s “a good guy”. I’ll have women referring to me as a bitch, etc. People who weren’t here, who didn’t see, who didn’t live through this.

I look at the towels, and they break my fucking heart in two. They stand for my pain, and my foolishness. They stand for the way Doug doesn’t care.

I washed and folded up towels that were there when he fucked that woman. When he was giving some other woman the pieces of him that belong to me. The pieces that I wanted, the ones I had actually asked for.

Kinda sucks.

Nov 17, 2017 7:58am

Random Thoughts:

I wonder if anyone reads the stuff I am writing. Am I writing all this into the void? Is there reaction? Is there response? Are some of you people I don’t know? Are some of you Doug’s people? Are some of you people who hate me? Or think I’m a fool?

Last night, Renee held my face in her hands and kept telling me I’m beautiful. I knew that (heh) but I was taken aback to hear it aloud. Doug use to say I was pretty, but I wasn’t beautiful.

Doug says and does a lot of things I don’t even think he remembers or realizes he does. He’ll say the most… hurtful things as passing thoughts, and then deny them later. I don’t even think he realizes how many times he has ever complimented me. They were a lot less than he thinks. It’s almost second nature, the way all this comes to him so naturally that you forget you did it.

Saving me. Doug says he saved me. In a way that is true. He gave me an opportunity and a platform for which I could save myself. And, I in all honesty, thought I did the same for him. I can’t disregard the things he DID do for me. With no asides and no “buts”, I can honestly say that he did a lot to make me the person I am today.

My anxiety now comes from thinking of the future. That sometimes is overwhelming. My heart is pounding and my eyes are glazing right now, writing about what makes my heart pound and my eyes glaze. I anticipate I’ll have a bad night, but then I don’t. So day by day, I hope I am retraining myself that the future is nothing to be feared.

I love my car. I get in it and I feel free. It feels like a different world. I wish my commute was 30 minutes longer in the mornings, so that I can feel that warm cocoon of safety for just a little longer.

I am angry. I am alone. I have a lot of bitterness I’m trying to shake off. I feel humiliated. I feel unloved. But, I still love Doug. With all my heart. I just now feel agony because I do.

I never knew I had so many people who cared for me. Wow. Just Wow.

Nov 17, 2017 3:44pm

I started talking to the ex-soulmate of Doug, Jennifer. We pretty much only started talking about our shared experiences – I know there’s maybe stuff she lied about or was not honest about, I can’t speak to things like that – I only spoke to the issues of relationship and substance abuse. Our experiences with Doug were very similar – when he was drunk and the very bad behavior and verbal abuse that would happen. Suffice it to say, it all synced up. The stories when he was actually juggling the jennifers – all of that – all of the stuff that I knew about, her story synced with. The whole conversation reminded me of the REALLY bad times – the drunk abusive (not physically abusive) nights. The nights of broken things, the nights of really horrendous behavior and the same rationalizations and half apologies. It became really evident that, there was a lot wrong throughout the years, not even starting with me but from way back. There was of shit that I had softened and blew off. It brought into focus a lot of issues that I had made fuzzy concerning his substance abuse. A lot of times I took care of him, I forgave him, and maybe I enabled him. I think there was a lot of things going on with Doug that nobody has control over, and the most concerning is the substance abuse.

I got a wake up call. A violent jolt, if you will. A LOT of his problems, a lot of our issues, wouldn’t have been, if his drinking and drugging wasn’t as big as a problem as it is. A lot of walls I build between me and Doug had a lot to do with his drinking, so maybe that contributed to the closeness that we couldn’t achieve.

We discussed it at length and it because clear the drinking and drugging is still a giant problem that I can’t help him with and any incompatibilities or marriage issues can’t be addressed in any meaningful manner without addressing the bigger substance abuse issues. He will tell you he’s not as bad as he was. If I think about it, yes, he doesn’t drink a 12 pack every other day. He drinks to excess and lately it has been almost as bad as it use to be.

All this has made me step back. I love him and miss him. It has clicked in my brain that maybe this split is the best thing for me – he’s got giant issues that I can’t address. He can’t see me truly without these issues gone. He has ran away to a place where there isn’t the restraints I tried to put on a lot of what he did. A lot of things I had to do are what put me in a position of being his caretaker – his mother – and probably the resentment on both sides, poisoned a bit of what could have been a great relationship. I’m praying that his time away his also time he is thinking about these issues. He had said he was going to go to rehab when we were working the affair out. But the longer it went, the more resistant he became to all the promises he made to me after the affair – not drinking, and going to counseling. He might have done me a favor by leaving because I had said these were requirements to stay, and he starting having none of it.

I’m glad I had the conversation. It did put into focus a lot more issues than just this past couple of months. I don’t think there is anyone in his life now that tried to regulate all that for him like i tried too. It’s scary to think what is happening up there now. The woman who he had the affair with is up there, and she didn’t seem too concerned with his drinking.

I just wanted to let you know of the changes in me right now. Now I am dealing with something which is so much bigger than me and so above my pay grade. And its made me very cautious now.

Nov 17, 2017 7:35pm

Home. I feel warm. So far, I’m home warm and safe. Talked to friends, made some connections, I have furry love all around me, loaded up the comedy on the computer, and am indulging my tiredness.

Today, I had some meaningful conversations, and I figured a bunch of things out. I figured out why some things were happening, and it turned out, almost none of them had to do with me and all were out of my control – issues WAY above my pay grade.

I see beauty when I look in the mirror now. Haven’t seen that in so long. It’s even being reflected in the eyes of the people around me. AWESOME. I’ve got the tready set up and going to start torturing myself with that. I’m light enough that I can do this without failing.

I’m looking forward to therapy. I have so much to explore. I’m going to do this for a while, because we have to find the things I’ve lost in the last stretch of living. I’ve lost so much, especially in the last month, that I have to have some help in the search. Almost all the hate and resentment has melted away, today, as I had a long talk with Jennifer. We explored some issues and I had to learn that I couldn’t fix everything. Now this stuff is in my head, but it might take a while to be in my heart. I will have good days and bad. But. The great thing is, I’ll have these days, in which one foot will be in front of the other. I think I had to discover some people were broken way before I ever discovered them and they will stay broken unless they decide not to be. As extraordinary as I am, I cannot mend everything. But I’m here for him should he decide he wants the path with me.

I have in mind a new plan, and its not much different than the old plan I had with Doug. This one just adds a little time, and a little more effort to make it work. The house is coming, but since its up to me, its going to take a little more time. I have so much more help now though, I’ve discovered so many more people in my corner.

Alone is gonna suck, at least for a while. But its all right. And my unconditional love I have and will always have for Doug is all right, too. The unknown and scary that is coming for me is no longer that scary. I’m pretty unsure, and wish to hell things were different, but it is what it is, and since I’m gonna get a hold of it, its going to be great.

I’m scared, alone, still generous, still loving, still willing to take chances and am now wiser about things (I hope).

Although, it could all go to hell tomorrow. I’m going to try and not to think about that now. I have this impenetrable blanket with four guard dogs to keep me safe and warm. That’s really all I can ask for right now.

This moment of zen brought to you by temporary-denial-of-responsibility.

Nov 18, 2017 8:02am

Not sure what I’m going to do about Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday – there’s the joy and happy of Christmas without all the intense pressure. I have a four day weekend and haven’t thought about plans. Love these dogs and will spend the majority with them, but I think if there’s sunshine and warm, me, the car and the camera might just take a day excursion to parts unknown.


Well. The living room looks good. That was a lot of work. It still needs a bit but, its pretty good. I’m not sure where I am, in my head. But, I think I have some time. I don’t think anyone is going to fault me for tackling room number two tomorrow.


I’m not trashing Doug. I am truthfully telling about things. It’s good. It’s bad. It’s in between. It’s my truth. It’s my feelings. It’s what I’ve experienced. Doug only sees black and white, and doesn’t see the love I have, but also the hurt he’s caused. He doesn’t understand that he’s done a lot for me (that I state) but he’s also gutted a lot of my life. He also doesn’t seem to understand that maybe people know him and how he is and what he’s done, WITHOUT my words. He thinks he’s an enigma that can’t be known.You don’t want bad shit written about you, you shouldn’t have done the shit.

He does so much to me, and all I can manage is unflattering words on a computer. Yeah. I’m trashing you, Doug. Let’s trade my life for some unflattering text on a screen. That seems fair.

He’s beginning his victimhood, texting me how I have done him wrong. I let him get to me, and that was my mistake. I went and ranted at him on text. I shouldn’t have. It’s like trying to get a brick wall to care. Of all the people that Doug would have any feeling for, I thought maybe I would have earned the privilege of him listening to me, understanding me. It’s the people who know they’ve got you, the ones who know they have your love and they can twist you any way they wish. He’s making me that ranty bitch that I don’t want to be. I failed in self control. He’s still trying to twist me, dangling a friendship in front of me, threatening to take that away. I am floored. How is he going to treat me any better as a friend, as he did as his wife/best friend?

I feel like a fool that I care. That I cared so much, I ranted at him. I let him see my pain, like he cares at all. He cares that he got to me. I let him get to me, and I feel stupid for letting that happen.

And I was making so much forward progress, that I let this derail me.

Nov 19, 2017 7:19am

Jesus Christ. Bad night last night. Doug got on text and said I was trashing him on FB. There is nothing on here that isn’t true, and nothing on here that is malicious. Noone here is connected to us both (one person, and she knows the whole story). I asked about what I was saying, and no one says its a girl trashing another guy. I don’t even go look on his FB or anywhere anymore. I try not even to think about his present state, or what he’s doing, or who’s he doing (my little dig).

Doug did this. He’s the one that had the affair. He’s the one that ran away. He’s the one that hurt me. He’s the one that hasn’t behaved the best for a very long time. There are a ton of stories, that I, his ex, his FAMILY, and probably friends could tell. FAR WORSE that what I have ever posted or said. He doesn’t want to acknowledge any of this. He wants to minimize or pretend things didn’t happen. Nothing will ever change if he doesn’t face up to some of this behavior.

But that’s not why I go into a little of this, and believe me, I thought I was moving past things, posting more things about me and how I’m doing. I need to say these out loud. I need to stop pretending things didn’t happen or they weren’t as bad as they were. I need to say them to other people, because I want to prove to people, this wasn’t my fault that these things happened or that I couldn’t fix them.

And I read over what I had posted. Nothing isn’t the truth. And nothing is posted for revenge or embarassment. Nothing is linked to him, or anybody he knows. He says he’s hurting. I don’t believe that. He says a lot of things. He says “I thought we could be friends, but evidently not”. Well. I knew that before. I had said “Yeah, we’ll be friends” back when I thought I was never going to hear from him again.

Going to try to go on with my day now. Therapy tomorrow. I had been all set to go in with a new outlook and less weight on my shoulders but, that’s not happening. White Kitty is going to Doug’s moms. And all this other Doug stuff I have, I guess I am the keeper of for a while.

Nov 19, 2017 7:50am

The reason I feel so comfortable in talking to Jennifer Idnurm is that she understands more than anybody what I’m going through. She lived it. Although, she has the wherewithall to leave. I didn’t. I hung in there. Through everything.

I did figure something out when we compared experiences and such. Our relationships were almost exactly alike. There were some fundamental differences, but I now believe he didn’t love me in a “different” way. We didn’t have a chance to explore fully a romantic side, it went right into caretaker/crisis mode, but I believe it was the same kind of love as the solid basis. It wasn/t because I didn’t shave my legs on a regular basis or I gained (a total of about 20) weight. People don’t stay for 7 years if they are that shallow.

He found out my button. He found out my buttons way early. The if-I-would-just-be-better button, the your-not-good-enough button. And when things got bad for us, or for him, he’d be a pressing. The thing is, I’m tremendously smart and thought I could never fall for manipulation – I’m going into this thing with my eyes wide open. He can’t fool me, unless I let him. Nope. He’s extremely good at manipulation, more than I ever thought possible. Our relationship, was decent, there was a lot of normalcy to it, and what he calls routine, boring, going through the motions type deal. There was also the bad parts. More than I think, now, should have been. What gave me hope, what made me hang in there for so long is that I thought, he was growing, albeit at a glacial pace. So the changes in his personal growth spurred me on to forgive a lot more because I did see what I thought was progress, with a few backslides here and there.

What I think happened is when things went south for him, he felt bad about himself. The more he felt bad, the more button pushing there was. And the buttons started not working anymore.

When the biggest backslide happened, he slid right into that first man I met in 2010. Then there was the affair. Then there was the running away. Now there is the coldness and whatever.

I sound like a woman who loves her husband. I am. Love isn’t enough though.

He’s a smart man. Smarter than me evidently.

Nov 19, 2017 5:53pm

Today was a harder day than most. Cat delivery, some Doug texting and a back and forth with my stress level. I wish I had the luxury of a heavy drinking problem coping mechanism like he does. I wish I had the luxury of some new and exciting distraction wanting my attention. I wish I had the luxury of weeks off to just indulge my pain. I wish I had the luxury of being the one who decided, the one who had the answers, the one who can just turn it all off. I wish I had the luxury of having no hope.

My brain clickity clacks at the speed of sound. I’m running through everything,. I bounce from excitement, to depression, to angry, to bafflement. I don’t know whether this is the end or a pause. I want to be able to “let it be”. I had that ability about 7 years ago. I had lost all control of everything so the only option I had for a long while was “let it be”. But then. I was responsible for two. I had to make sure everything was all right. I had to make sure we would float and not go under. I had a partner who seem to take “let it be” to an extreme. I had to take some sort of control. This was all right when things were out of control. I guess it all balanced itself out. But I learned this role and lived this role and got stuck in this role. Now I can’t break free of this role even when there is no chaos to tame. I’m creating my own chaos in my head. I can’t stop it. THANK GOD THERAPY IS TOMMORROW. I like that I’ve documented all my changing head spew. Somebody can help me make sense of all this.

The amazing thing, is that I am making all sorts of friends, all sorts of connections now. My life isn’t centered at home anymore. I think I was afraid of taking my concentration off of the homefront just because Doug seemed to be always needing attention, needing something. He was high maintenance. It wasn’t a bad thing, it was just him. Well. Maybe it was a little bad. I even tried to do activities, my own, outside and that seem to breed a bit of contempt. It seemed I was stuck between a rock and hard place. He seemed to want me to go out, or “do something”, but then when I did, it seem to irk him. He was always so complicated to navigate and. don’t ever think I did it well. But. I want to scream into the night, that it wasn’t just me. He said that XXX relationship was great, and that’s how it should be, or YYY is the way it should be. But, in reality, in investigating XXX and YYY, it wasn’t what he said. I was trying to live up to a standard and expectation that was imaginary, or at best temporary. He was like a junkie, he got his high and then expected it everytime. And I was always the second time the junkie gets high, never as good as the first.

Goddamn, though, I tried. I tried to make things perfect and stable. I could never do it right though, and always brought disappointment when I was wrong the second time, because I always should have know better. I should have learned.

And hell if he didn’t get the perfect person to run that hamster wheel. I never gave up trying. I never just quit. I had tenacity and stamina. I think when I actually got things pretty well going, at least by my standards (job, credit, future) things went askew. For both of us I guess.

Nov 19, 2017 6:09pm
I seem to now concentrate on the not so great things about me and Doug. I think that’s because, for a while, I tried to soften and blur those things. Now its coming out like Niagra Falls.

But there were great things about our relationship. We were comfortable with each other. He made me laugh, and feel joy. I liked that he was extremely smart and teased him that he pretended not to be to get away with things. He was charming and smooth. I felt good having someone there. Just there. Knowing there was someone, who was in my corner. He knew a lot of things I didn’t. He gave me strength. He gave me the capacity to see things from a different perspective and have to consider things in foreign ways. That was one of the things I most loved about him. He was extremely smart. I think when I first met him, I wasn’t too jazzed about his looks or anything. It was when I got to know him, I found him so intelligent, so skillful in the fluidity of his thought processes. I liked challenging him, although I think he didn’t. He was talented and passionate about things. And I think he’d hate this, but I didn’t find him attractive until, I knew him and the stuff inside.

I found him pleasant company, company that was comfortable and unthreatening. He always put on this hard, rock and roll, macho front, so it was amazing and wonderful to find the nuggets of softness and vunerabiltiy. It made me so protective of him, that I knew these existed. He has this piece of him that is scared and insecure, the boy who wants love and has love to give. This, if you saw it, if you connected to it, made you his warrior. I wanted to protect him from everything. I wanted to make things easier for him. I wanted to make things wonderful for him.

I found his capacity to accept me was almost unlimited. That made me want to be a better person for him. It made me want to never upset or hurt him. I see the gold in him, amongst the shale. I accept the bad and the good. I would have never gave up on him, and I would have never abandoned him.

This is probably why I’m having such a hard time. Because I saw the totality of the man, accepted it and grew to love it. I hated the things I hated about him, and loved the things I loved. I had the power to hurt him, and I hope I had the power to heal a bit of him.

Because, dear lord, he has had that power over me.


Was remembering all the good times with Doug, then all of a sudden, a bunch of the bad times popped in my head. In vivid detail. Startled myself at the number and frequency some fucked up shit that has happened. Kinda caused a shiver down my spine and my blood run cold. How it turned everything 180 so fast…. that post before? where I was all back and forth and full of hope and depression? Right now, all that ambiguity is gone. Clarity took me aback a bit. Blood ran cold. The anxiety? Right now, all gone. Sobering feeling.


Okay. Been laying here thinking about this. Remember? I was thinking about all the good times with Doug and then my brain said, “Well, Remember THIS SHIT?” and threw up a couple of almost as horrendous things he’s done as the affair (remember Savannah, especially)? In vivid, color detail, complete with how I felt, conversations, etc. So. When that happened, all the anxiety went away and my blood ran real cold. I’ve been trying, ACTIVELY TRYING to get the anxiety back – the longing for Doug, the pining and all that shit. I can’t. OMFG. It’s like my brain said, oh please girl, remember this shit? and then gave me a near damn cure for what’s been ailing me. And believe me, I’ve been trying to bring back that anxiety – good memories, good times, etc. Nothing’s bringing it back. It’s almost like, “Yeah, I’m good to go…” HOLY FUCK. REALLY? Am I good to go now? I may be good to go now.

Nov 20, 2017 6:16am

Up for a while. Sitting and thinking. The anxiety I can trace down to specific things is gone. The random, grab your ass, type is still going on, but its at 1/8th the intensity as it was, and I can vanquish that a bit. I think about Savannah. Savannah makes it less somewhat.

Savannah was shitty thing Doug did to me, near the seriousness of the affair. That now just pops into my head. It has turned my whole head and attitude around about things. It has made my blood run cold when I think of my husband now. I’m wondering if this will last, because if this will keep on going, I’m going to be all right a whole lot soonner than I thought. I had softened, rationalized, and forgave Savannah. But apparently my brain had kept all that intact, somewhere. And then just shoved it in my face, and I couldn’t counter it with any good memories. There were no good memories powerful enough to battle that.

Now. I have a little renewed energy. Yesterday, I was feeling really tired. Not so much now. I made unreciprocated amends to Doug, because, whatever type of person I am, I am an honest one that wishes noone ill will, and I don’t hate anyone anymore. I may hate some of their actions, but I no longer think ill of anyone. I bare no malice. Life is too short to actively nurse something like that.

Some of the bags that have been weighing me down are thrown off. I think I can tackle some new things. I even talked to Doug’s mom yesterday. She, I think, has always been fond of me, and still is. Invited me to come over or talk anytime. It was nice hearing that. What can I tell you? I inspire a lot of good will in people.

I’m about to jump in the shower and go to therapy. Maybe to explore my unshackling. To see if its real. Probably give it a week to see if this all still is alright before I call it a real improvement. It’s made me stronger, though, I can tell you that.

Nov 20, 2017 12:08pm

Lots has happened. But I’m beginning to realize that what Doug did, set me free. I thought I had trapped him, but what was happening was I was the prisoner. Give him credit though, he knew he was severely broken, and he knew I wouldn’t abandon him. So he set me free.

I learned to day, that it wasn’t the lack of a love affair, it wasn’t the mundane, it wasn’t anything I did that broke up us. It was Doug. He is a broken individual. From what I learned from Jennifer, what I learned from the therapist, its how he set up his world. The drinking, the bad behavior, the seeking validation, etc., is all to manipulate his world into something he can live in. He has no other coping mechanisms to handle it all with. When it goes well, then everything is smooth, but the minute it goes bad, he turns to what he knows to do. He set us up as mother/caretaker figures, and then he resents when we are. There was no way we were ever going to do right in his eyes. And he probably gave me the most he could, gave me the best he could. And when it all didn’t work anymore, when his facade didn’t work anymore, he ran. I may have pulled him out of his comfort zone, and let him feel normal/healthy and that’s when he tried to pull me back. When that didn’t work, he ran. And he may not be able to realize there is another way to deal with things, another way to live. He will continue this pattern, to the next person, and onto the next. There will never be the right person. So I don’t resent or even have malice toward Brenda. I feel sad for what’s about to happen.

It’s not me. It was never me. I could never have made it better. I could have never fixed it. I could never have made everything right enough. I feel a loss and mourning because he could not/would not try to change. I feel loss for the guy he could have been. I feel big loss that he will never find a real happiness. I feel bad that the drinking will continue and he will become possibly worse and worse, and more lost.

Nov 20, 2017 6:34pm

Home . Very much home. Tired. I am tired a lot of the time now. I knew I was going to have bad days and good days, but bad hours and good hours. So the drama de juer in my fucking head (yes, I’m having beer for dinner) is am I posting shit that will embarass or hurt Doug. I actually freaked out a bit about this.

FUCK. This morning I had a good session with the counselor. We determined that Doug gave me as much as he could, the best that he had, and it wasn’t enough – our situation wasn’t enough to make him happy. I wasn’t enough to make him happy. But to be fair, I don’t think anything would make him happy for very long. The last soulmatey relationship he had, I don’t think he was very happy in. He told me (after it was done) that it was the best in the world and he was the happiest ever, but I don’t know if Jennifer was all that happy. If they were truly happy, they’d still be together.

I am worried about Doug’s embarassment. Lord. Or hurting him. Lord, part deux.

I thought about it before the beer, and was worried about people judging me on how I’m handling this. I can’t even predict now what will send me into a panicked anxiety attack, and sometimes they are bad and sometimes they aren’t. The counseling always makes me feel so much better, but that lasted about three or four hours until the voices in my head took over. This relationship is over. It was determined that the only way it would have a chance is if Doug got into therapy and he quit drinking. That’s not happening. So I have to tell myself that this is the way it needs to be. There would be more of Doug hurting me, probably more affairs, more drunken lashing out at me, more misery. This is the best. And this thought is actually conforting and something that makes me feel better. Writing makes me feel better too. Writing TO people. I’m not sure what my reasoning is for that. I just hope that someone gets some good out of it – or maybe some entertainment.

I have a lot of guilt for failing at handling this maturely and well. I flail between guilt for hurting/embarassing him to the thought “What about my hurt – what about my humiliation?”

What popped into my head on the way home was this fucked up line Doug gave me “I thought we could be friends but evidently not…” How fucking clueless is that? That just proves he has no regard, feelings or love for me. You fucking cheated on me, humiliated me and then left me. And you thought, well, that makes no matter, it will be business as usual. When all this affair business happened, I really tried to get him to connect SOMEHOW how he felt when Jennifer left him, and how she cheated (this I can’t speak to, whether she did or not) and how would HE feel.


The therapist said that there is no emotional intelligence there, there is no insight at all, there is no introspection, no looking inward. I tried hard to get him to actually SEE the pain he caused and maybe understand it.


Some of the stories coming out on his behavior (whether true or maybe not so much) are heartbreaking. His drinking really is doing a detriment to his life. And he’s with people in an atmosphere that will just reinforce his own view and comfortable world. It will make his drinking and behavior acceptable. Something that isn’t a big deal. Even his family seems to have a “Well, that’s Doug – he’s been like that XX amount of years – he’ll do what he wants.” I can really understand that. Sometimes you can’t save someone that is determined not to be saved.

I think Doug will say that I just have sour grapes. That I am mad or vindictive because he didn’t love me in a real way and I am angry at that. Doug would be wrong.

I understood that he didn’t love me like whatever he thought real love was. I understood that all too well. I don’t understand why, if this was the case, he stayed. I really wanted this answer badly at the beginning. Now. It doesn’t matter.

I’ll have good days, I’ll have very bad days. I’ll doubt my self worth and my value tremendously while an hour later, I’ll be excited about my future, feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and know that I have the whole world in my hands. This is a very schizophrenic way to live right now. It takes its toll. I will be such a pain in the ass. I will want someone to tell me the same thing over and over again, I’ll want to talk about the same thing over and over again. I will need to hear the same thing over and over again. I will need to know that Doug is in pain and doing badly and I will worry if he’s eating and drinking to excess.

I fucking don’t know what to do with all this.

Anyway. I’m having another beer.

Nov 20, 2017 6:34pm

You know what sucks? He took both TVs. You know what’s got me baffled? He took the mop bucket and all the trash bags.


Benefit #4 of being Doug-less. I can have 24 beers in the refrigerator Friday and still have 21 of them left on Monday.


god. up for a moment. medicating doggie ears, laying back down. Shitty thing? Had a dream about Doug. He was a pleasant, happy man who loved me. SHEESH. Might as well dream about unicorns that poop Beeferoni.

Onto Divorce Slog 2