21 February 2018

So. After seven years, Doug left me. He broke my heart and gutted my world. October 2017 I found out he cheated on me, and that November he ran away, leaving me with a shattered life, and more problems and pain than I could bear. The below is just the accumulation of slag and shit from those months. I still can’t conceive its only been about 3 months. You can see my progression through this as you read. It’s not pretty.

This is November 21th through 30th.

Nov 21, 2017 8:00am

I have to remind myself to breathe each morning. I dry heave a bit now each sunrise, so now that’s my routine. It gets better each day, it gets worse. I bounce back from strong to weak. I bounce back from numb to wounded.

He doesn’t feel this way. You know how I know? I wasn’t Jennifer. That’s the breaks though. Hard to realize what you thought was, at the very least, some sort of love and affection, wasn’t. But I was the best person I could be, so I at least have some solace in that.

Trying not to be angry because the things I could be angry at are done and gone, and other things I could be angry at don’t matter anymore. As I said, I have good days/hours and I have bad days/hours.

For some reason, I’ve started mentally compiling a list of all the little things that angered me, of which I glossed over. Little burdens and slights, for whatever reason, I had decided to bare on my back. I think of one, I start to get angry and then I try to delete that anger. A lot of what is getting to me is that I want to go screaming and lay bare what I went through, list and enumerate the things that I carried, mostly without complaint, I want someone to know my reality. I am seeking forgiveness, I guess, for sins that I am being blamed for and not committed. And he blames me for a lot of things. He has a gift of saying one thing, and in the same heartbeat contradict it.

I still carry blame. How does one do such a number on another person? I carry undeserved blame, it is ingrained in me by him.

This was nothing to him. I’m starting to understand that now. The minute it caused him undue pain or discomfort, he shed it, like a used, dead skin. And yet, he left me the gift of guilt. Of blame.


Lost another TWO pounds. Not even trying. I’m just not hungry. I have many who care – invitations to this and that – get out of the house, do something extreme, etc. etc. I’m almost to the point where I’m strong enough to want to do any of that. It’s the wanting to do things now that he has killed. He’s just stomped on a ton of stuff in me as he was running out the door.

I really wish I was angry. I think that would be a nice change from guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty for. Even now, I’m suppose to quietly let this all pass, so that it is easy for him, as he shrugs off our life and builds another facade, another scheme, another house of cards.

I think I’ve given him too much credit, in that I assumed he had some real investiment and deep feelings for all this. Yeah. I think I gave him too much credit. And, well. That was my error, and that I can’t blame on anyone but myself.

Some days I feel young and free, and some days I feel the loss through every part of my body. I have people pushing me to be positive and what not, and that’s all well and good, but that’s not how I deal with things. I feel. I feel the bad and the good, and I don’t really see anything wrong with that. It’s a testiment that I could love that deeply, that I feel this much pain. It’s a testiment to my committment, my loyalty, my love that I tried so hard, that I carried so much.

But enough of the squishy. I’ve had all sorts of old, old, OLD friends that haven’t talked to me in 7 or 8 years drop me a note. Old friends from the Charlotte days. That’s a jolt. Takes me back 7 years – when I was very much a leaf on the wind. Tons of invites and offers to do this or that or just let me be. I do have plans though. In April, I am going to see Kathleen Madigan (here) and I am CONSIDERING going to go see the Mummies in Charlotte in December, but that might be too overwhelming for me. I might go see Kelly but she’s a good three hours away. We’ll see. Asheville is another possibility. I get close to making plans to go there just to be a photographer and I chicken out. Overwhelmed. By, I don’t know what. That’s another thing Doug stole from me. My bravery. My bravado. My recklessness.

I did treat myself to some cold weather running clothes, so the weigh loss can be channeled into something resulting in more healthy activity.

I’m allowing me this little schadenfreude, in that, I know what he’s doing up there – drinking, screwing and sleeping, and although, I’m sure its a satisfying existence for now, it never will lead to anything good. I would never wish anything ill on him, I would never do anything untoward or hurt him in anyway. He knows he can always trust me, and I would never betray him. And that, is not for him, that is for me. Because I am THAT person. I am THAT good of a person.

But I did inherit my mom’s temper, mouth and skill at verbal cutting. That, in itself, is a weapon of awesome destruction, that I do use, and lately I’ve used it a lot.

Nov 21, 2017 10:59am

Have to do this now.

I’m filling out actual divorce paperwork. It hit me really hard for about 15 minutes and now its all subsiding a bit. Doug fell off the face of the earth, and who knows what’s going on. I love my husband but there’s no way our present relationship can work. I want a little control of my situation, so I’m going to try and handle a lot of this – just going to need info and a lot of other things. Don’t know if I’ll ever see or talk to Doug. He was such a big part of my life. He made an impact. SUCH A BIG IMPACT. At a time when I was vunerable to now, when I am stronger and a better woman. A lot of that is attributable to Doug. What he did to me (good and bad) made me who I am today. I hope he finds what he’s looking for. I hope I did something good for him, and added to him in the last 7 years.

I’m going to go on and try to heal, and I know life will go on. It always does. I know I keep posting shit like this, but its just me telling myself over and over again until I believe it. It’s me telling myself positive messages from the person I want to be, until I become her. I feel like I’ve gone off the rails this last month, but really, can you blame me? I feel like I’ve made a mess of things, but to be fair, I had a little help. I’m trying to recognize when I’m going off the rails here, and correct my course. I’m trying to get maturity back in my decision making instead of wounded child.

I feel better now that I’ve taken a little control of my own destiny. I feel good about the person I’ve shown myself to be (overall). I’ve tried to stay positive (failing a lot), move it forward (failing a lot), and trying to get over this quick (failing a bit). So, you know, for now. Everybody. Thanks.

PS. Fuck. I really am going to miss him.


Okay. That was MUCH better. Talk to Doug, and now I feel MUCH better about the divorce. There’s no way he’s ever going to see past himself. There is no way he is ever going to empathize with others, even if he “loves” them. There’s no way he is going to grow, even a little as a human being.

JESUS H. CHRIST. I conveniently forget how nasty he can be. HOW FUCKING DARE HE TALK TO ME THAT WAY? How self centered he can be. We are all out to hurt Doug. He forgets all this was his doing. It was his handywork.

You cheated on ME Doug. You walked out on ME Doug. Even with all that I forgave you, and I worried about you. I would have given you the divorce, I fucking offered for you to stay until you got situated and then we would split. I didn’t want you homeless or suffering. You were the one who tossed all my kindness and caring towards you back in my face. And yes, I don’t believe “you’re on your own.” You want to play victim? You go ahead. You have tons of people who would stand by you and help you get where you want to me, including me you, fuckhead. You want to run away? Go ahead. You want to take umbrage to what I write, you do that to. You point out ONE FUCKING thing that is untrue that I have written. You want to even challenge ANYTHING I’ve written, or even my RIGHT to pen it? You conveniently read all the bad things and skip over the good. You don’t care that you DID all these things or ARE these things, (just for the record the GOOD and the BAD, like any other fucking human being) you just care if people KNOW about it. OMFG. You being butthurt over anything is pretty much a fucking joke.

Fucking grow up. You hurt the ones that love you, and drive them away screaming into the night. You want to dispute that? I got the goods to back that up too.

Nov 21, 2017 9:06pm

Just to be fucking clear, Doug didn’t HAVE to move without a job/place. We weren’t fighting or anything. I would have still given him a divorce. He could have stayed here for as long as he needed to get his shit together. He chose to split without any money, job prospects etc. so any Wah-Wah on his part falls on deaf ears here. He wanted to move for his freedom to drink, screw and sleep without judgement. “I only have $$$ left and I have no job” Yeah. Whatever. Although, I can see where he would want to be where there’s a sympathetic hand to sooth his furrowed brow. He done used up the sympathy lotion all up here.


I wonder if Doug realizes, that it is HIM and not us. It’s HIM that is the variable which needs to be fixed and not us, the ones who tried?

Funniest goddamn thing I heard in a couple of years (from a family member, no less): “I just don’t think he has been a good boyfriend or husband”

no shit. couldn’t make it work with his “soulmate”. couldn’t make it work with his best friend. I think the only reason I lasted so long is any other woman would have forgave far less and left a long time ago.

I’ve made a bunch of memories blurry and soft, the times I really, truly considered leaving when I was driving to work. I’m trying to think of all the times I sat there, not real happy, while things happened that were not good and out of my control.

Nov 22, 2017 10:56am

Kinda broke down at work. Crying not quite, but I am leaking tears out of my face.

Water is pretty important. Last night I didn’t have any. My water comes from a pump/well just off my property outside the fence, and I pay the neighbors for the water. As I said, last night, I didn’t have any and it turned out the pump was the culprit, spewing out water. They had shut it down, and today was going to see what’s what.

Turns out, someone maliciously vandelized the pump, and damaged beyond the point of repair. So there will be no chance of water for a while. My landlady is going to try and have a well dug and the soonest would be, I guess next week sometime.

I’m starting to believe that I am a bad luck magnet. Some sort of nexus for all of it. I had such a good attitude about 5 minutes ago. Anxiety was at bay and I was feeling good just about the future and even the holidays.

I am now, not in that place anymore. I’m just wondering how much more I can try to carry. How many times can I say, its just another thing I have to do before it starts tearing at me a little?

Nov 22, 2017 2:09pm

Been such a fucked up few months…

Nov 24, 2017 9:08am

Oh my lord. I’m so tired. And BTW, Happy Thanksgiving. Mine sucked. Thanksgiving use to be my favorite holiday, and probably will again someday, but right now, it kinda blows.

Yesterday started out pretty all right. There was a tiny bit of sunshine peeking out and I decided to clean a bit, even though I have no water. I had to buy another 10 gallons of water – you’ll never know how much water you uses even when you try not to. I notice I drink a LOT of water. I had to go to the store anyway, because Doug, for some insane reason, not only took ALL the tools, but all the mop buckets and all the trash bags. He left a good deal of other stuff – clothing, electronics, flotsam and jetsum. All that stuff I’m collecting, along with the hotel affair towels, into a burn pile. I think maybe Saturday or Sunday, we are going to have a bit of a bonfire in the firepit. I traded the 5 aquariums on the porch for a 12 pack of beer, and I thought about doing the same with the rest of the stuff, but I don’t need any more beer. I may barter for trash hauling services.

I went to the dollar store and families and couples were together shopping for holiday stuff, and thought about getting a small tree. I have the big tree in the closet but its giant and it was “our” tree. Maybe I’ll just use the top part so its only half the size. Incidentally, why does all the major fucked up stuff happen around the holidays? I hate holidays anyway, but now, all these days are just anniversaries of horrendous events in my life.

I got all the stuff home, and started drinking the aquarium beer. The first 4 was a good idea but the last three were the ones that pushed me over the edge. Alone and upset, last night was probably one of the more crappy nights I’ve had since I found out about the affair. The pain was front and center by the end of the evening.

I was invited to a couple different thanksgivings and I am grateful to everyone for the love and opening of their homes to me. I decided to stay at home, MY HOME, with what’s left of my little family. I wanted to make this home comfortable, clean and MINE – turn it into a place of safety and security. My plans were thwarted a bit when some horrible people vandalized the water pump and cut off my water supply.

But I have about 20 gallons of jug water, which BTW, Dollar Store, WTF dudes? A DOLLAR A GALLON? Milk is only 2 bucks and some change… Sigh. FACEPALM.

Anywho. I decided I was going to do a bit of a purge and clean of the kitchen. There’s a ton of food I don’t eat, a ton of empty containers in the fridge that Doug just LEFT, he had left some science experiment growing in the coffee on the coffee maker, and there is just all this crap that I’ve never bought before in my life before Doug and never will again. I went through the cabinets, and food just went flying. Drunk me just tossed a bunch of boxes, and food on the floor. Dogs came a runnin’ to devour old bages, cheese, pounds of homemade fish food made out of beefheart and crap, old corndogs, pretzels and what not. There was a pepsi bottle full of whatever is left over from pepsi once the liquid evaporates. I tossed the affair ginger ale, and cottage cheese. Fish sauce and horseradish. I don’t eat any of this when I’m single. I eat pasta, canned soups, and fruit when I’m single. I almost didn’t ever need a refrigerator. I tossed a bunch of kitchen crap that I didn’t need – some weird little chopper, waffle maker, pots and pans from his old relationship, etc. etc. Haven’t decided if the blender goes and there are old miss matched dishes, that I don’t know if I should toss. I nice small set of dishes and new pots (single person set) might be in order. I don’t know. I never did a lot of cooking either. Cleaned out the cabinets and fridge. About 40% of what was in there is still there. There was just a lot of things I can live without. I really did cater to Doug and get him all this stuff to make his life normal. I cleaned counters and cabinets and shoveled all this shit into the garbage. I can’t believe how everything needed a thorough cleaning. He must have just surface cleaned and I didn’t notice because I worked all the time. But the good news is, you only have to deep clean once in a great while, because it won’t get this dirty anymore. But I got about 80% of this clean, because the beer kicked in and sent me into a big crying jag and subsequent alcohol nappy until about hours ago.

My knee hurts because I think the dog slept on my leg, and the two big ones are just sitting there “talking” to me. Emotionally I’m pretty numb, and I am sitting here feeling icky and making plans for the day. I hope everybody had a good holiday, even Doug. I would hate to think all this shit happened for his benefit, and he didn’t even get the results he wanted. I’m going to finish the kitchen, and maybe start on the bathrooms. I can’t wash clothes which I can’t determine if that will be problem. I have enough clean clothes for next week I think – by then I think I’ll have a water source/well of my very own. Apparently it cost 25 dollars a month in electricity and stuff for well water because that’s what I paid for water from the neighbors.

Also, remember how Doug and I speculated the dead dog neighbors – who own poor Big Head dog, and killed (probably) little Andy pup – were doing something illegal, possibly cooking meth or selling drugs? I think we were spot on that shit.

Right now, my tummy is yucky so I’m going to sit here till I feel a little bit better. And then to plod on with my day.

Nov 25, 2017 8:46am

This no water thing, NOW, its getting more than inconvenient/uncomfortable. Trying not to get angry or anything because there’s nothing anyone could do. They couldn’t fix the pump because the county said the vandals might be back and vandalize it again. And the soonest a pump/well can be put in is Tuesday or Wednesday.

And its Saturday. I’ve got about two gallons of water left, and I be really funkified so, going to get more is something I don’t want to do – plus its getting pricey.

It’s Saturday. And things are getting better in my head. Distance and time makes things look different. It has put a lot of things back into focus that I chose not to see clearly. I’ll have the alcoholic backslides, but I think the one I had Thursday may be the last one I have for a while. I don’t have sadness or anxiety creeping in anymore. Even when I think of the good times or what I am supposedly losing.

Soon, I’ll do the obligatory clinical dissecting of the whole thing, but that will be on the blog instead of here (though I’ll link to it, because it will be interesting reading). I’m already doing a lot of it in my head.

I am SO wanting to do a good cleaning – not just to clean, but as some sort of therapy. It’s something constructive, something productive. Doggies, I think are starting to deal with it. There is a whole lot less weird, random, prolonged crying. I am now the pillow everybody needs to sleep on. Everyone picks a section of body and plops on it. It’s not bad until they hear things outside they need to protect me from. Of late, almost everything outside is some sort of threat.

Except for last night. There was something going on in the dark, and something big. I called 911 and put left-behind golf clubs by the bedroom door and in the kitchen.

Too cold to run. Well. Too cold to do anything. No water. Just occured to me, why wouldn’t I have water in the hot water tank? I need to tell whatever plumber/landlady that the tank might be leaking? I would have thought I’d have water in that tank. Sigh.

If it gets warmer, I’m putting up some sort of Christmas tree. And lights. I love lights. A nice old Gaston SC holiday.

But, if I had my druthers, me and the mutts would love to be St. Kitts for December.

Nov 25, 2017 1:11pm

ugh. trying again to do all the things I don’t want to do right now. acct transfers, insurance, etc. I can’t do anything that involves money, but I’m just going to try the rest. **Cable is a no go, but maybe I can do electricity…***

I’m just feeling all oogie now.


So. My electricity was going to be shut off Tuesday. WTF. He said I could just call and transfer over the service. If I were to transfer over cable, I need a notorized form. FUCK. MY ELECTRICITY WAS GOING TO BE SHUT OFF TUESDAY. AND THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE ME PUT DOWN ANOTHER DEPOSIT. I’m going to be sick.

God almighty. Just … shit.

I didn’t deserve any of this. I did NOT deserve any of this. I don’t deserve going through any of this. I have 2 fucking beers left. I sorta smell from no shower/water. It’s cold. It’s the holidays. GODDAMMIT. I’m not upset. I’m not upset. Really.

not upset.

not upset.

not upset.

not upset.

Nov 26, 2017 6:22am

Fuck Me.

Yeah, hopefully this is the last one of these penned.

I just don’t understand this bastard. HE wanted the divorce. HE wanted to get away from me so bad, he left burn marks. He wanted his freedom to find something better, something more exciting, something that didn’t make him/us miserable. He wanted the excitement of a new haggard looking whore in Rock Hill who cheats on her husband with him. Whatever.

When we started this process, I was open to making it easy. I wasn’t malicious or vindictive. Or I tried not to be. We were best friends. But I was devestated and hurt. And I seemed to be the only one.

Well. We split some money, and tried to part ways. At first, it was relaxed and I knew he had no job and no place to live unless you consider the whore. Everything was peaceful. I wanted to help him make the transition. I didn’t want him to suffer or be homeless. I said he could stay for as long has he needed. There was no fighting, there was no animosity. Just two friends living together, till one, I guess got his shit together and left. We could have used that time to switch over accounts and pack all the stuff he needed. Doug, though, wants to do things behind people’s back, do it secretively. He had been making moving arrangements, and didn’t have the bravery to tell me or just give me a heads up, “Hey, girl that has been with me through some of the darkest periods of my life, I’m going to be moving tomorrow.”

Well. Hey. I found out, from looking for a car online. I found the ads for movers and the ads to sell cars. I found out he was selling the car I was currently driving to work. Yeah, that’s the first “FU” I got. The last night together He got drunk and nasty, I got drunk and nasty. He left. He packed and moved haphazardly, leaving tons of shit he could have taken, leaving a giant fucking mess, both physically and emotionally. He could have made it easier for me, as I was trying for him, but he chose not to.

For the last month, my life has been falling apart. I’ve been trying to hold it together with gum and paperclips, while he is up in a new, exciting place with this new life, new woman – golfing, drinking, fucking and playing bass. I’m left with the emotional baggage he left – seven years of a life that I thought had chugged along, things being equal, it could have been worse. I started writing. I wrote the truth. I wrote about the good times, and bad times and the really bad times. I wrote until my soul felt better. I wrote novels on FB and discovered that maybe the last seven years weren’t as great as I thought. And he was pissed. Being, what I consider, a Narcissist Personality, it was a mortal sin to make him look anything other than pristeen, other than cool, other than Rock n’ Roll. I vacillated back and forth from trying not to hurt him to hurting so bad it felt like there was a hole in my chest.

So I do the steps you do to break apart a life. Every step he took seemed to make everything harder. He seemed to just say ‘FUCK YOU’ and hide away into his new life. There was no reason to not tell me his phone number or his address, and I had to know the shit for the divorce papers. Even now, after seven years of proving myself a loving, honest person, he slaps me in the face. He makes me feel like I’m some horrible person that he must hide from.

I finally did the online divorce he so desperately wanted. I didn’t have his information. I needed things from him. Addresses, phones, etc. I didn’t even care about him being with her anymore. I just wanted this shit over. I wanted my delusions of this being anything other than seven years of this man using me, giving me scraps of the real relationship I deserved, using my feelings and my nature against me – I wanted all this done.

I found his numbers and his addresses, but I didn’t really know which ones I should use. I tried to get him to tell me. So I can end this, I just need to know to put on the goddamned paper. But he doesn’t. I have no earthly idea why. He could be rid of me. He instead is perplexed that he’s not the impentrable enigma that he thought he was. Where did I get his number? Where did I get this? Whatever. He’s mad that I revealed where most of his skeletons are buried. He’s mad I revealed some of the bad behavior he engages in. He’s just mad in general he can’t move on silently, easily, after destroying my life, to a great new existance. I made that rather difficult and embarassing. He doesn’t even realize, almost all of this, is his doing, the culmination of his decisions.

I have to have the locks changed now. I paid double what I thought the divorce cost, and I’m praying it doesn’t cost anymore than that. I’m hoping, that again, I can just forget about this man. A man who, at one point, I thought was worth so much pain, so much silent suffering. No. He’s not.

I still have to go, take off work and file. I have to do all this shit. I have to pay the price of his behavior and his decisions. He’s left so many like me in pain, in ruins. We all hear the words out of people mouths “He really a good guy…” and choke on incredulity. I may have not been the perfect partner, but I was really close.

Got these fucking papers. Maybe now, I can have freedom. Maybe now, I can have a sense of peace. I wish I could rebuild the self esteem he has crushed over almost a decade. Time heals all. Well. Fuck.

Nov 26, 2017 3:35pm

I think its a turning point. I think its really is something valuable that happened to me last night. I saw how the man I thought loved me really didn’t. And there was nothing. I felt nothing. There was no pain. And there continued to be no pain, when I realized, he never really did love me. It finally snuffed out any significant obstacle to me moving forward.

I related my experiences to my friends, and they were astounded that Doug was trying to keep me from completing the divorce. And he actually “liked” a post of mine that was me having trouble completing this divorce. Bonnie, sent me information that I received a ton of insight from on Doug and, indeed, his horrible friend Mark. I now understand why they are such good friends.

I went and talked to Jennifer, Doug’s old relationship, and we went over in detail, the depth and breadth of our shared history, and discovered, not only did he lie about many incidences in our past, but he pitted us (and another Jennifer) against each other. And when I thought all this time was growing as a person, it was just all a facade. It all was just a giant manipulation. And I guess when it all looked like it was coming to an end, that I started to be immuned to it, he spiraled it out of control and then ended it.

As I say that, it doesn’t hurt. At all. Thnking of the past doesn’t hurt. Thinking of all this doesn’t hurt. I’m getting better. It also didn’t hurt that I found a big bunch of money in the closet which alleviates the injustice of me paying for a divorce I didn’t cause. But now I don’t feel bad about having to pay for it. This is actually something that should happen. I’m not sure exactly what woman can get Doug to not be a poor relationship participant. I would suspect she’d have to be a skilled therapist.

But, I am at a turning point. I am out of the hole. The most important things coming up are the well, the divorce, and getting through deadlines at work. I’m even toying with writing a novella on this past 10 years. It’s amazing what appears on your horizon, when your not dragging so much useless weight behind you. It’s not a slam against Doug, its merely a description of what all that felt like now that I see through new eyes.

I feel new. And I think this is a new normal for me. So let’s get this divorce done, let’s get on with it. Life is too short to have it ruined by someone who doesn’t love it as much as I. And I’m a hell of a woman. I think I got my groove back.

Nov 27, 2017 8:02am

Another day, another dollar.

Water is coming soon. I like that. I’ll feel more like a human being. And what is nice is that I have a new set of voices in my ears and new people to talk to. They all are helping me to sort things out. I think I’m in the sorting things out stage. Like to thank David for just talking and listening. He’s went through or is going through a lot of what am. His wife died, so he was a young (very young) widower and he, I’m noticing, steers the conversation away from “you’re gonna be all right” and goes into dissecting things and then he has a knack for helping me let it go. I tend to be unguarded because he’s gone through a lot of what I did, and all of the emotions and feelings and actions mirror mine.

The only rough times I have is in the morning when I wake up alone, and for about 5 minutes I have a pang of uncertainty when I feel in my bones that something is wrong. Something FEELS wrong. But then I make myself get up and go on.

When I get into the car, that’s when I get the wave of… I guess you could describe it as good. I turn on the music and I have a good hour of time to ramp up. My taste in music has changed a bit. I’m starting to gravitate to all that stuff I use to listen to while running the track in Forest Shitty. And then images of the sky, sunshine and the track flash into my head. I am listening to all the songs that made me feel pretty. Way back when, there were certain songs that just put a skip in my stride, and I felt extra young. So that is happening. Scary feeling but not a bad one. Self preservation is a weird instinct. Mine seems to have been shifted into an overdrive position. I need to slow that down – so I can deal with everything properly.

Also. I’m dressing different and I find myself getting things I use to have. Tight fitting hippie tomboy style? My pants are just about falling off, but I refuse to get new ones until my weight stabilizes. I’m down two and half dress sizes, I have people commenting on it and I can’t figure out what fashion direction I want to take the new me in. I quite liked hippie tomboy. Well, I guess now it would be curvy hippie tomboy. If I lost 20 more pounds, I’d be down to 2011 weight – the ones you see in the pictures deep in my album. At the rate its going, if I don’t start eating soon, maybe another two months? I want it to coincide with warm weather because, I find running absolutely freeing.

Off amazon, I bought a bunch of round little hippie sunglasses. I have some new running Berekeley shirts and I got some new headphones. Sunday, I painted my nails. I can’t let them grow long, but I painted them. Don’t know why. I was cleaning and found my nail polish and just did it. I think that I’m rewinding my clock to 2010. I’m not trying to forget Doug, or destroy/forget the feelings I have for him. Indeed, now when I think of the good times and those parts of him that were wonderful, I get to enjoy them. I get to have them be good feelings again. I think the sadness, the loss and mourning may be passing. I don’t quite know how to deal with that. I have feelings of guilt that I don’t mourn longer. Or that I don’t feel bad forever. But I like the feeling I can think of him and not have the weight of all the negative things hazing up everything. I can think of the negative things now, and not have any feeling – its almost clinical, the way I look at it. And now I know, because I tried it this morning, I can think of all the good things that Doug does have in him, and smile and feel good about it.

My habits are changing a bit. I used to listen to podcasts at work, and now its music. I think when my head stabilizes a bit, that will change a bit too. Everything is changing. It feels like its going too fast, but I think maybe this time, it can go a little faster than usual. Maybe this is the way its suppose to go.

Nov 27, 2017 8:57pm

Yeah, I have a couple things to say about this.

A) He’s not sorry he’s horrible. Not in the least. Otherwise, he would have tried to be better instead of double down on it.
B) No. He really didn’t love me. He told me this about a dozen times. If he did loved me, it was in a second tier sort of way. How do I know this? He told me. Over and over.
C) What I think of him? No. This is how you were Doug. And you know, I accepted it. But you said “FUCK YOU DUSTY” and then shit on me, humiliated me with the affair, made me feel like crap a lot of the time. But I still loved you. Supported you. Forgave you, time and time again. Tried like hell to make your life and your home better. And we had some good times. Not enough. But you got what you wanted now, so I’m not sure why you’re throwing up roadblocks.
D) What a coincidence I get this when I post about my lawyer appointment.
E) Notice this isn’t about anything but his own pain.
F) Hi Mark, you horrible little man…

Nov 27, 2017 9:42pm

One and half more days, and I’ll have WATER. Dear lord almighty, I’ve taken unlimited, unfetered access for water so for granted. I am going to be human again. A clean human with clean pets and a clean house.

Still hate the cold. But it could be worse, I could be in Kansas freezing my everloving-ass off. But, I have four giant fleshy space heaters that now want to sleep with me, on top of me and they are warm. And just a whole lot of love that literally smothers me and farts on me.

I have so many things I have to do, but things on my checklist are clicking off pretty fast now. New well, car thing, cleaning thing, bill thing, therapy thing, lawyer thing, and then a nice little respite from everything – just in time for the 10th anniversary of Ken’s death. GOOD TIMES. Yeah, now this whole little area of the calendar will be a horrendous dark anniversary of the worst times in my life. Now, I just need my dogs to die, one by one, till Christmas. If you want to know how to make a suicide or a suicide bomber, that’s a real close recipe for it.

Oh. You noticed. Yeah. It was a bullshit text Doug sent, probably from his girlfriend’s bedroom after he saw that I was going to see a lawyer. There wasn’t one true thing in it. Nobody does what he did to someone he loves, even in a best friend way. But then again I was a fool for accepting so much from him. Hell, if he would have just gave me an address to serve the goddamn divorce papers, there’d be no lawyers, and I would have went away. So, yet again, he caused all of this.

I’m just tired. Tired of giving so much and getting so little in return. There is no hope for a man who doesn’t even KNOW what he did, much less want to fix things. But he may just win a little in the end because it still takes three months to finalize a divorce, and if I want to do a no fault uncontested one? A fucking YEAR. He left me with shards and shit to handle. And still. It’s all about HIS hurt, HIS pain of being thought of as horrible. There is no hope. And this is a women who held out hope for him for SEVEN YEARS.

I was looking at some job postings around here, and just for shits and grins, at National Geographic, where Brooke, one of my former editors, got a job. I sent in my resume, just for fun. You never know, someone could have a stroke and have me in for an interview.

Been looking at the weather, and when I get water, I’m definitely going forth into the world and do SOMETHING. I either will try to run/walk in my new duds or go take pictures somewhere cool. Maybe Augusta. They have a skating rink/winter wonderland thing going on. I can’t skate so why not, let’s try.

Life is all of a sudden rushing at me. And even Jennifer Keller Vaz said she might go to the Mummies with me in Charlotte. That WOULD be fun.

I’m going to try and relax. Make the anxiety now that has tensed up every fucking muscle in my body.


Nov 28, 2017 4:32am

I was in such a good mindset just 12 hours ago. now I’m tired. I can’t sleep. my chest is tight and I can’t breathe. I was trying to do everything right. I was trying to be the better person. I had liked the idea that I had started to get past all the sadness and grief, that I could think about things with out the fog of agony.

Then the bullshit text.

So much selfishness, so much cluelessness, and so many lies in five sentences. I was pretty floored. He’s not a stupid man, so the text was probably an attempt at some sort of intervention to stop whatever escalation of legal action I was taking.

Christ, I hadn’t even done anything.

Some bullshit to save his ass. Probably written when he was drunk and from the bed of his girlfriend.

“But I get it” No. Not even a little. And you never will.

I’m tired and can’t sleep, so I’m going to work to try to plod through another day. Emotionally I’ve been yanked through hell, and the positive strides I’ve made seem to have dissolved this morning. Now I’m just tired. Numb. Cold. Overwhelmed.


I just don’t understand. HE wanted this divorce. It all could have been handled, cheaply, quickly, with a minimal of Dusty Pain. It absolutely floors me what he’s doing. It all could have been over by now.


Okay. Regaining my breath. Regaining my focus. Took an hour and 44 minutes but I’m starting to feel the positive again which is a godsend. I’m dealing with whatever that was yesterday. I’m really wondering why he just doesn’t try to move forward with his life – maybe this is moving forward? Trying to avoid some big legal battle? Surely he could just come to me and we can just discuss doing this in a better way – a mediation of some sort. But, he’s running scared and thinks that I think as he does, and that I let my ID run uncontrolled. I’m doing what I think is prudent. I’m getting counsel. I’ve been advised this is the best course of action, for me, and basically for the whole process. I’m not out to get anybody. I’m just out to protect my interests. And I am always open to a calm, serious discussion about the divorce and what is the way to do this so we both don’t get hurt. But no. I’m not dealing with one who thinks this way.

I’m trying to maintain some sense of perspective. I’m trying to act from a position of positivity. There is nuance and layers here that make up relationships and agreements, and that will be hard for him to think about since he is so black and white/defensive vs offensive minded.

But I’m back, I think. Shaken but not broken.

I feel better. Every skirmish makes me stronger.

Nov 28, 2017 7:36pm

Ask me. Go ahead. Ask me how I feel.

I’m over the moon.

Today, I just had good new after great news after fantastic news. I got the refund on the weird divorce papers I may have messed up, my company will make an exception to modify my benefits, and I’m not going to have to deal with Doug…possibly forever. AND I GET WATER TOMORROW!

I was driving home and it was weird. I started feeling… exhilarated. Every song on the radio I really wanted to hear. I was singing loud. And I realized, I was not miserable, for the first time in two months. I’m sitting here having the first beer in years that I’m having while I’m happy. I came into the house, the big black dog jumped on me, and my pants were so loose, she damn near stripped them off. I went to look in the mirror, and I was beautiful. My eyes were smiling and I then I couldn’t stop smiling. I realized another thing. There was no one around who was unhappily resenting me. No one around who was angry. There was noone here who hated me. There was only smiling eyes that were so happy to see me. And I’m almost to tears with the happy.

I didn’t see how the center of my world was to try and make an unhappy man happy. I didn’t realize how much energy and life force it took to deal with someone who resents you, who wishes he were someplace else. It’s heartbreaking to know it was me that kept him from finding what he wanted.

Today was good turn after good turn. I can’t remember when its been like that. It’s always been crisis after problem after resentment. Even when I had good turn, it was invariable followed with derision and criticism. But, I guess when your life isn’t what you want it to be, it spills out on to everything else.

You know how much despair one can carry when one tries to love someone who doesn’t love them? And you don’t even know your carrying it around. I remember all my energy went into making everything better. And it was never good enough. I wish I could have been something other than a resentment, something other than a weight he had to carry. I wish I wasn’t a regret for him. But. As for me. I will miss him more than I can bare, because there were good times (at least for me) and he was the one that I chose and the one I loved. And loved with all my heart and being. And, if we were being completely honest, I still love (almost every part – good and bad). I’ll never regret that.

Today, I felt lighter. I felt sad that this man couldn’t love this fabulously great women. One who loves life, sings in the sunshine and revels in joy. He couldn’t see the value in me, and when he couldn’t, I couldn’t. I came home, and saw so much more than I’ve seen in a long time. I saw the woman from 2010, only not isolated, not vunerable, able to enjoy the carpet ride.

I can’t WAIT for … well… tomorrow to come. Every tomorrow is going to be GREAT.

Nov 29, 2017 5:49am

Up. Needed to be up earlier, but, whaddayagonnado.

Still in a good mood. Still maintaining a good level. Kinda even amazed me. Looked through old pictures, so many old pictures of everything, Doug and the like. I remembered so many good times. I’m so glad it wasn’t a 7 years totally wasted. It wasn’t wasted for me, I can’t speak for him. I’m not sure what to do with it all. I guess I’ll just leave it be, until somebody else tells me to take it down. If his new whore demands it, I may consider it.

BIG WATER DAY!! I’m so excited. Usually, excitement like this is confined to weddings or pregnancy announcements. Looked at the scale today, and not going to give away the actual number but I lost another 2 lbs, making me about 10 lbs lighter than when I was in 2012. And 2010 was the height of poundage loss after Ken died. So. The weight I lost in the first 4 months after Ken died, I’ll be able to reach here in a month (2.5 months) so I’m being really really unhealthy here. Mandy and I figured a pound every two days. At first, I couldn’t eat because of stress and whatnot. I couldn’t look at food. It made me sick. Now. Well. I’m not hungry. The smell of food isn’t appealing at all. I, literally, choke down an apple in the morning and a 5 hour energy, then I have a large tea, and when I get home, choke down another apple or maybe a can of soup. I have to start eating again. I think I might develop an eating disorder. I’ve never had one before. But gaww. I need to eat. I need to eat.

If I start the exercise, maybe it will jump start my appetite. Or I’ll just start getting IVs of nutrition. I don’t know, but I need to start eating something. That’s the thing that’s just a little naggy thing now. So I don’t have the eating disorder yet because I’m aware that I need to eat? And that, my friends, is rationalization.

Anyway. Gots to lock my poor dogs up for about 5 hours. I hope they can hold their potties till I get home. But if they don’t, I’ll have water to clean it up wiff.

Nov 30, 2017 8:24pm

Dear god in heaven. What a day. Well. What a week, what a month, what a couple of months, what a seven year span.

Water. Is. Coming. They said they are going to hook it up tomorrow, so I’m going to wait for them and finally, this will be over. So over.

I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Just fucking drained. I’ve been trying to keep an even keel and keep some perspective. It’s not easy, and I have failed a bunch of times. But I have no other choice other than to plod on.

I can now start to try and rebuild my shattered life. I’m doing it one challenge at a time, with some big loving dogs around me. I think I would actually have broken down and not gotten better had I not had these dogs. They have made this house feel like a sanctuary, a safe place, a home. This could have very easily become an empty shell full of memories and reminders of Doug, and could have been a giant momument to pain that I couldn’t have been able to bare to be in. I guess you could have argued that without the dogs, I could have done what Doug did. Run away to somewhere new and exciting. Christ, I probably couldn’t have done that either – to be alone and in agony in some new place. I have this little family and they have given me so much strength and love. It, along with my friends, old and new, have saved me from going down the rabbit hole and never coming out.

Like when Ken died, I just wanted to crawl into a ball, go to sleep and never wake up. But I had friends constantly demanding I face the world, and back then, I had four big dogs needing me. I was needed. I was needed to wake up. I was needed to move. I was needed to live. I was needed to continue.

I’ve probably did a lot of things that weren’t wise in the last two months, I probably didn’t do things right, and I probably need to be cut some slack. I had a lot happen. But I lost a life I valued very much, and a man I loved.

I stand, battered and bruised, but I still stand. And I am probably now going to finally feel like I’m making forward progress. I can do little things, I can do big things. I have to make some big decisions. I can seek vengence and pain, because I possess the power to do so, or I can forgive and move on – not for him, but for me. I really do wish Doug all the happiness that life can give him. I don’t see him being at any true peace anytime soon. I think he needs help. But I don’t think he will seek it. I pray he realizes he needs help. Before something really bad happens. Many have written him off, and “Doug’s gonna do what Doug’s gonna do.” I think I finally see Doug as a tragic ouroboros, where the same shadows and flickers repeat themselves – the same ghosts and demons will appear as they did many times before. He hates that I say he has demons. Well. I hate he has demons. If he can’t conquer them with me, I hope he finds the tools to conquer them, nonetheless.

Tomorrow is the start of something. And I am going to start that something with some new life lessons, a lot of fucking humility and hopefully, a shower. New well, new car, new body, new outlook.

Onto Divorce Slog 3