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5 April 2018, 10:01

So, I have a bit of time waiting on Billy, the car, Solomon, life and the continuation of adulting.

I’ve written a lot about what I don’t want, and the more depressing parts of what life is churning out.

I’ve decided to write about the things I want, need and liked. The things that made/make me happy. The things I think I should have. Because I’m starting to smile this morning, and its freaking me the fuck out.

SUNSHINE. The thing that has the most intangible effect on me is sunshine and warm weather. Summer paints the sky with hope, I don’t know why, but I feel young and I feel like I can fly when there’s bright orange light and 85 degree weather. It is a wordless joy, a sense of forever – it sound florishy and cliche but I really feel like that the world will be all right when a nice summer morning starts to unfold. I would love to be in the bahamas, as I’ve told people, I want to be a drunk boat captain ferrying the rich between the islands and embracing the tropics. That segways nicely into….

TRAVEL. I want to travel. I got to travel when I was young but that was wasted because I didn’t appreciate it. I would so love to see Mayan Pyramids, the Forbidden City, Tibet, Venice, and a dozen other places. People who are wealthy talk of their travels like it was a chore. The opportunities they have are wasted on those who wouldn’t look twice at a Schegal on the museum wall or curse the Colosseum because they can’t get a cell signal. I want to see as much as I can before I am unable. I like working at the magazine, because I see so many places I would love to visit. I’d take the opportunity to expand my world, either alone, or yes, it would be nice to have someone to share it with…

HIM. So, my last outting in this area didn’t work out too well. But it hasn’t soured me (way surprisingly) at the thought of sharing my life with someone. I may be an unrealistic romantic who watches too much TV, but I want someone to share things with, someone who looks at me occassionally with adoring eyes, someone to combat the world with, help me when I stumble, be the one I carry when he falls. I want to argue, and laugh, and dance with someone who is as eager to do it all with me as I am with him. I want to do the mundane, go-through-the-motions part of coupling, I want to do the best friend part of it, I want to do the adulting with someone who is able to do it with me. I want a playmate, a best friend, a partner, a lover, a foil… I want to be David to a Patrick, Rachel to a Ross, Leia to a Han, Inara to a Mal… I want someone to kiss me, hold my hand, dance with me, help me clean, play with my dogs, shoot the shit with me on the patio with beer and nachos, argue with me, show me when I’m wrong, teach me when I’m ignorant, amaze me with stupid magic tricks and buy me stupid happy meal minion toys. I want someone to work on my relationship with when it goes into the ditch, and someone to ride the highs with me. Does this exist? Beats me.

THEM. I want some good friends. I don’t want a lot of them, just the few that you can call a part of you. Ones that laugh with you, cry with you, help you with the back of your hair when you need someone to cut it, and give you an old apple on their desk when you are hungry. I’ve never had many. I’ve never really needed many. The ones that I have as my friends are the best people in the world, and its hard to top having a cadre of folks this great.

DOGS. The best things in life are dogs. Bundles of unconditional love that make you happy, make you feel loved, make you feel safe, make you exasperated, make you angry, make you grateful and drive you crazy. I couldn’t live without dogs. I would be less of a person without them.

HOME. I want a home. I plot that is mine. Where it is ALL mine. Where my little family and I can ride out the zombie apocolypse, or cuddle up and watch movies. These days, this house is really close to being a home. Sunshine and beer on the porch with fat dogs cuddled up beside me or chasing imaginary bugs. Quirky little house with some land and a broken toilet in the back yard that the birds use to bathe in.

LAUGHTER. I ALWAYS WANT TO LAUGH. I want to be surrounded by laughing people. I want to have moments where I’m laughing so hard, I feel it shake all through my body. I want to be laughing so hard, it short circuits my brain and I am momentarily retarded. I’ve done that maybe 4 times in the last seven years. It was as close to heaven as I got in a while.

  • Pausing, Reflection

People are never just one thing. They are never all evil, things are never black and white. People can be a large % of this and that, but there are always intricacies and subtleties there. Doug is mostly a selfish person. I think life has molded him into a selfish and hurtful person. That’s a big part of what he is and its accompanied by charm and a vunerability that he doesn’t even acknowledge he has. He does have a good sense of humor and passions for what he loves. The best thing about the last seven years is in his eyes. They used to light up and fill with joy when he talked about his comics or even music. The same joy I saw occassionally when he made me laugh uncontrollably. There was a kindness about him sometimes that I was alway amazed to see, I was always saddened when I realized it was fleeting and momentary. I saw pieces of him that could have gave way to a really great man. I don’t know if the pieces were real or sustainable, and the pieces were only slivers of a larger whole that is poison. Maybe that’s why I stayed. I saw the slivers, and attached such hope for him because of those slivers. But, that’s the nice thing about Doug I wanted to say. He brought out the worst in me, and made me a person I hated. His love for me was fake and the affection almost non existent, but he did inspire me to love him in a deep and meaningful way. I think I may have known him better than even his horrible friend Mark, maybe better than his family. And I still loved a great a huge part of this man. And he has poisoned that to where I can’t even hold that part in my heart anymore. And that’s sad.


I’m cool today. I am betta.