EASLEY

10 April 2018, 20:01

There’s a ton of thing in life that happens to you. There’s a ton of things of things that touch you. There’s a ton of things that you will never let go of or forget. Dogs are like that for me. Kodak, Afga, Jacob, Milo, etc. I could name you the list of little lives that have made me so much better as a person. And, well, none of them are HUMAN. You humans disgust me with a lot of what you do and who you are. That’s all I can say. There are a handful of humans that make me believe in our future as a species, but all in all, I really want off this planet.

But. Dogs. That just shows me there could be a god. I understand the biology and the studies that say dogs are purely instinctive and anthropomorphizing animals is bullshit. Fuck them. REALLY. FUCK THEM. We don’t understand this shit. And, especially when you think about animals. I’ve seen too much to say rudimentary (maybe advanced) understanding and emotion doesn’t exist in animals, especially pets. I do think they understand pain, loss and love MORE THAN A LOT OF THE HUMANS. I still cling to my belief these little things (well, all animals) possess the ability to feel and love, emotion, have some fairly complex motivations, etc. and just EXIST as beings on levels that we can’t understand yet. I could go through all the anecdotal evidence that these little beings feel and exist, at least on a rudimentary level, as we do. But, all the proof I need lives with me. I’ve got three motherfuckers at my feet that have society unto their own that I don’t understand sometimes. I’m part of their little society. I think. Sometimes, I think I am the warden, sometimes I think I am one of inmates at the asylum, but I try my best just to manage our insanity.

These dogs. For whatever you all think, and for the purposes of this reading, are sentient and operate on a level we should understand and respect. In my world, these dogs are… loved, adored and are treated like children. They are family. They are equal or surpassing some human lives that I know. Yah. Fuck you. You should have been a better person than my dog, if you are offended at this point.

The BEST thing in life that has happened to me in the last decade is Easley. She is a mutt. She is a mutt I actually apologize to, even though she doesn’t have the faintest clue as to why I’m doing it. But she is the touchstone of my life right now. Kodak was the zenith of my affection for anything in this world, but Easley comes a close second. Doug accidentally got me this dog, not knowing it would be my love, my rock, my best friend, my everything. Yes. Doug. If you ever wanted to know. Easley comes first. Before you. Even when I thought you were the best guy in the world. Even when I thought, “this is … it”. Easley was everything to me. Before you. Before whatever non-existent family I had. Before anything in this world.

So. Fuck you for threatening her.

When I got Easley, and we named her Easley because of Doug, she was a small puppy. Chewing and peeing and all sorts of things… she was a puppy. She was small. She was precious. I didn’t know how wonderful she’d turn out to be. She chewed the sofas, she chewed up Doug’s leather jacket, she peed in the apartment. I knew she’d be a good dog. Doug didn’t. He threatened if she didn’t STOP whatever she was doing (in the little time that I had her) he’d get rid of her. I was ashamed, but I punished her severely for her mistakes. I did it because I was SO scared that Doug would make me get rid of her. I was desperate to keep her. Let me be clear, it wasn’t a house of horrors, or some abuse chamber, but I did punish her in the wrongest way possible. I overdid the spankings when I gave them, and would never, ever do it that way again.

The things I did. The punishments I gave when she was a puppy is what I am so ashamed of. I think about it now, and I can’t believe what I did. Because of this man. That’s is the one thing I can’t forgive him for, what I can’t forgive myself for, what I did to Easley to make her “behave.” I was cruel and horrible. I rationalized it as I was only doing it to keep her. I cannot apologize to her enough for the cruelty inflicted upon her those first 4 months, I cannot explain it away by blaming Doug. I did it to try and not to LOSE her. I can blame Doug for being the architect of it all, but I DID IT. But I was scared. I didn’t want to lose her. And he used that against me. He does that well. He creates cruelty.

But I stopped. And I have never, EVER, let myself be that person again. And, well, that goes back to where I said Doug brought out the worst in me. I’ve since showered this dog with love and affection, and made sure she always knows she’s safe and adored. But I see the effects that my earlier behavior has had on her. She is a happy dog, though, if not thoroughly neurotic. I’ve tried to make sure she was… happy, not neurotic. She has awed me in her fire and bravery. She has delighted me when I watch her play or lie in the sun snoozing. She has stood up to and attacked a pitbull TWICE her size, and has NEVER backed down from a fight (even though she really should have many times). She has the COURAGE I wish I had. I have made her life as good as I can since those first four months. I have tried to show her she is my treasure.

And you know what she has shown me? She is the BRAVEST, most COURAGEOUS, most LOVING being I know. She’s getting up there in age and I still see the effect and the aftermath of what I did to her as a puppy, now, in her behavior, but I also see she IS happy and she knows she’s loved. This dog can do no wrong. I will be her champion till she dies. And everyday, I show her how much I love her, and I show her safety, and happiness. I give her all I can. She has ALWAYS showed the humanity I want to see in the people around me. She has shown the fortitude that I wish I had. She has shown the unconditional love that only a dog can – because dogs…. don’t have as much… evil? I’m going to call it that… which we possess.

This dog loves me. I love this dog. Totally and Forever. This dog knows what she does and doesn’t like. She knows what she is and what she will be. She still is fucked up from what is happened to her and yet she is the truest soul I know, and finds joy in the world around her. She a protector, a sentinel, a friend, an alarm clock, a child, a buddy, a bed warmer, a licking machine and funny ball of neurosis. I wish you all the love that this dog loves me with – if you are lucky enough to have that, then you are truly blessed in this world.

Of course I wrote this for her, my love. Of course, she can’t read. But. Of course, she is my world. (shrug) All these animals are. You. You humans. Yeah. You have a long way to go to be as valuable to me as this.