| Now |


7 May 2008, 01:00

I’m back in DoDah. And the disconnection I felt a few weeks ago is back, and now it seems to permeate everything here. But I walk around my house, and I feel love for it. I feel love for how my house makes me feel safe and secure. The neighbors mowed my lawn while I was gone, and won’t take money for it. I made them. Might as well take the money while I still have it.

I’m back to not sleeping well. I had slept a little better in North Carolina, but I think that’s because I nearly exhausted myself everyday, so there was no way I couldn’t sleep. I slept about 4 or 5 hours waking up every hour. People had asked me if I was sleeping, and I popped off “yeah” – not really, I guess. Now, I sleep about 4 hours, waking up every hour, rolling over, trying to nod off again. Some can just snooze as soon as their head hits the pillow, and asked me how I slept when Ken was alive. I slept 6 hours. Whenever time I did sleep, I woke up 6 hours later, like clockwork. To be honest, though, I didn’t have near the stress and uncertainty I have now. Right now, I’m back to being scared. Trying to maintain a level of functionality, though, and perspective. I’m frustrated and down at not being able to get a job, but I’ve only been looking for about 4 days so I might be prematurely pensive. The living situation might be more of a pain but I’ve only been REALLY looking the last couple of days. So everything might be a little overreacting. Or not.

Doing things I need to do I think. I hope I’m doing all this right, and in the right order. I need things to go well. I need things to go right. I don’t have a lot of wiggle room should they not. The trip last week was needed, but financially I didn’t think some of it through and spent more money than I should have. Hopefully, I have a wee bit more money coming in. I need to get going on this place – clean up, packing. I guess I’ll put a bunch of it in storage. I’m flummoxed on how I’m going to handle dogs traveling. It was hairy trying to get ME to North Carolina, much less 4 dogs.

It’s wearing on me, bearing down on me – the worrying and the episodes of panic. Trying to maintain. Trying to keep on an even keel. Trying to keep a smile on my face. Trying to keep my sense of humor. Trying to keep my breakfast down.

I’m tired. And I can’t sleep. I wonder if its depression or some other wacky thing going on. Maybe a little nap would help, but maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe it’s a way to avoid doing anything. But I do want to have a little nap. One little nap won’t throw the universe off kilter, I don’t think anyway.