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6 August 2018, 08:28

Yeah. I know. My moods change with the weather. But these days, I’m not NEARLY as morose as I use to be.

These days, I feel myself looking more and more towards October. October, as some of you might know is when I will officially be single again. I am excited. It’s almost like being set free from prison. It’s scary as hell, though. I will have to figure out what to do with my life, right then and there and have it all worked out by November, at the latest. Heh heh. I don’t know. I’ve been through a lot, I’ve even learned a great deal and I’ve changed somewhat for the better.

Life isn’t NEARLY as scary as I always thought it was. I am a very capable woman. Hell, I’ve just discovered that I am TRULY a woman. Feel like one and everything. I’m being treated as I should be by those around me, and it brings out the best in me. I look back on the last 8 months, and although it all turned out right, there are things I should have done, some I should have done better, quicker, and I should have had more confidence in myself and my circumstance. I tend to go over the mistakes I made and the things I shouldn’t/should have done. I have to learn to not dwell in the past so much.

- I should have filed for divorce the day after he left.
- I should have got the car loan and what not the day after the car blew up in March.
- I should have been more fierce in tackling things.
- I should have saved as much money as possible, though, in thinking back, I handled it all as best I could.
- I should not feel guilt and resentment for anything I’ve done, or am doing, (I am told over and over again.)
- I should stop trying to hold myself up to an unrealistic standard and then beating myself up when I can’t meet that (this one is hard).

At first, I thought the last 8 months would destroy my trust in people and stunt my empathy (fuck, I though it had destroyed my life for a very short time). And to be honest, it has fundamentally changed my ability to connect with people. I don’t trust nearly so fast, and my empathy has a tinge of tough love to it now. I am not so willing to carry someone else’s burdens and fight someone else’s fights, especially, when I see that I am in the wilderness doing all this alone. I am still wondering if I like this change. I still fight the urge to just jump and in “save” people. I have now, put my limitations as to what I am able to do and own well being in the forefront – because, well, at this stage, you all are grown ups and I am not anyone’s mama. Except for dogs. I am their mama. The rest of you get as much kindness and help as I can manage without jeopardizing mine and my own.

Trusting is now coming really hard for me. I am open. I am kind. I am not judgmental. But I feel myself being distant and hair trigger in this area. I’ve really had to correct course in this area, not to be unjust. Trust issues, I guess are something I’m going to have to work on. I need to make this somewhat less of hinderance, because I do now have someone who really cares for me, and I don’t want to trash it all because of my past. I don’t want to let that go, because it feels like protection, it feels like a shield, but at some point I need to, because you can’t live your life walling yourself off from the world because you’ve been gutted by ONE person.

Sigh. It took me 3 months to even leave the house. It took me 6 months to feel that I COULD move on. It took me 8 months and a couple of nice dudes telling me I was beautiful and sexy to make me feel GOOD about myself enough to move on. It finally took 8 months and two weeks to go on a date. It took an afternoon lunch and a good bye kiss to make me forget that I was married for a short moment. It will take me signing the papers for me to feel truly single.

I am scared and excited about my clean, new slate. It will feel finally right in being single. I will feel like finally, I have closed a big chapter and will get to start writing anew. I am excited about little things. I get to have a first KISS as truly a single girl. One that is free from guilt and anger. I will be able to maybe plan BIG for my future. I’ve toyed with the idea of buying the house I am living in, or moving out west, or moving to Asheville, or just being able to fucking RELAX and just BE for a while. I’ll just be able to be normal again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing a lot of the “normal” now and slowly I am remaking life. It is all truly getting better. But when October comes rolling around, nothing should be left to do but sign divorce papers. I’ll have no excuses then to fall back on, no hill to hide behind, no obstacle to stop me and the fear will be something that should be exciting and drive me forward instead of making me bitter and having me be resentful.

I know this is so silly and ridiculous, but I am having the most joy in anticipating that first two minutes outside the courtroom, when I get to stand there as a SINGLE girl, and receive the best kiss one cougary chick could receive from the cutest stoner boy I know. I can’t believe the thought of it is making me almost cry.

I have so much good ahead of me, it is almost surreal.

PS. I love my car. Just sayin’. No. I really love this car. About as much as I loved my Avenger. Maybe a bit more. Could be. Love that car.