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6 July 2009, 01:00

I’m up late. It’s already 7:30 a.m. and I’m still dead tired. It might be because the dogs woke me up about 5 a.m. to go outside and tossed and turned since then. The temperature is going to be excellent, so if I can make it out to the track, I won’t be in agony by the oppressive heat. If I make it out there. I say that because there is a pain in my lower leg and back of my thigh that is unreal. Surprisingly, there is no knee pain. I attribute the upper leg torment to the fact I’m consciously trying to favor that leg more, thus stretching and injuring muscles up until now, happily cruised along for the ride. I don’t think I can run, but I want to at least walk to the track. Don’t want to start this lazy goo bag thing again. I feel my new strength when I rest and I actually feel my better body and my new stamina and endurance waiting. It feels like I’ve had a tune up and I’m purring sweetly at idle. It’s going to be a cool and glorious morning (maybe a little rain) and it will be tempting to run and frustrating when I realize I can’t.

I’ve got a few things to do today – hopefully, I’ll get to them. Roommate is on vacation, so I get to accidentally see her and her work-release little boyfriend a lot more than usual. Folks have taken to calling her Morticia. I’m starting to call her that just in general conversation and I NEED TO STOP. Naughty Duh needs to stop being wicked.

I had an online friend die, I had a real life acquaintance pass also. I have another one going through a giant, ugly, open wound of a divorce. I feel for everybody. Still I do feel disconnected from a lot of life these days. Heh, a dissociative disorder. Hope not. When people have dissociative disorders, they usually go on killing sprees, or have sexual congress with any mammal that brushes up against them. Hopefully, I’ll just OCD on my running. My leg really does hurt. We are going to see how much better I can make it feel before I go out. I may roll back over and sleep for a while. Right now I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.

Happy July all. Let’s see what we can do with this month, shall we?

  • Later ***

Can’t get motivated. Don’t really want to get up. I know if I do, eventually, I will be glad that I did. I’m just tired. I don’t know if it’s real fatigue or from stress. And to top it off, I’m on a sad song kick, can’t seem to get this out of my head or off my speakers:

Not Even The Trees by Hootie and the Blowfish

Alone as I sit and watch the trees
Won’t you tell me if I scream will they bend down and listen to me
And it makes me wonder if I know the words will you come
Or will you laugh at me
Or will I run

Little boy says to me,
Where you going now son
I said, I don’t know where I’m goin boy
I only know where I’m from
And it makes me wonder
If the stars shine when my eyes close
Or does my brother’s heart cry
I don’t know

I’m a stranger in my home
Now that everybody’s gone
Someone please talk to me
Cause I feel you cry
And you’re sitting with him
And I know I’ll never see you again

Lying down in Charleston under the Carolina sky
You see I’m tired of feeling this pain
I’m tired of living my own little lie
And it makes me wonder
When I see you in my dreams
Does it mean anything
Are you trying to talk to me

I’m a stranger in my home
Tell me are you feeling alone
Someone tell me what to do
Cause I’m feeling strong
And I wonder how you feel
Do you realize my pain is for real
I see you in my dreams
And I wonder if you’re looking down at me
And smiling right now
I wanna know if it’s true
When he looks at me
Won’t you tell me
Does he realize he came down here
And he took you too soon

And now my days are short an my nights are long
I lay down with memories of you keep that keep me going on, going on
It makes me wonder as I sit and stare
Will I see your face again
Tell me, do you care
I’m a stranger in my home
Living life on my own
Right now I just can’t see
Cause I’m feeling weak
And my soul begins to bleed
And no one is listening to me, not even the trees