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6 October 2014, 01:00

Golly, it’s such a nice day out today. The dogs have found something left over from the last tennents to play with. It’s disgusting but I think harmless so I’m going to let them tear it apart – some sort of rug or knitted thing. At least its not a small, deceased animal that I’ll have to pick up with a stick and toss in the woods. I guess it’s time for a small update.

It’s getting cold as hell.  But everybody’s okay. Plenty to eat, bills are mostly paid, and I don’t have to scoop poop for  three big ole doggies. That is ONE advantage to having the land. One disadvantage is that the dogs are forever finding "things," and I use the kindest term I can manage, to eat or destroy. "Things" that don’t come from us. "Things" of which whose origins sometimes are suspect.

Everybody’s okay. Things are tense about the future though. Unemployment has a way of doing that, making things unanchored. And things are tenuous, financially. Unemployment is sucky. It always has been but its a little more onerous now. It’s odd that it never really bothered me before, but it does now. I guess its because there’s more to lose now. We have plans. We’ve sketched out a future of what we want to be doing and where we should be going. I am a lot less ambitious on where I think all that should be, but I am really adept at trying to get us there. I guess we are in preemptive panic mode? Nothing is bad, and we aren’t in crisis but we are doing the panic for what COULD happen. It just seems like there is a small line between OKAY and REALLY SHITTY.

I think right now, also there is a TEENY WEENY bit of anxiousness in that we could walk ANY PATH we choose. We just have to decide on one. He wants to live in Florida (sorta), I want to move out west, its hard to pick the right path when you’re so afraid of picking the wrong one that you JUST DON’T MAKE UP YOUR MIND. Sometimes there’s talk of staying here (bleh). I, myself, in these past 4 years have not grown fond of the south. Nope. You would have thought so. Nope. Not likely in the future I will either. I think my North Carolina experience pooped a load on any affection I may have for any part of this region. I have to say, though, South Carolina has been MILES ahead in treating me better. If you held a giant bazooka to my head and made me pick which Carolina to live in, SOUTH CAROLINA wins hands down. I even have had (((SHUDDER))) NICE times down here. We’ve moved around so much, maybe I’m staying ahead of the crap that COULD be if I was less mobile.

And it’s good that whatever poop you have to plod through, there’s someone else there to bicker with as you wade along. Someone that helps you up when you fall face first in it. And someone that gives reason to find that extra bit of strength to continue on. A poo partner.

Just wish it was a LITTLE easier. I think we are at a fork – all the ties that bind us to a certain place or job or whatever are gone. Although we are inches away from HOLY SHITSVILLE, we also have the rare opportunity of taking any path we choose. Forging the future we want. And that scares the hell out of me (and probably Doug, too). I think it’s the kind of scary that causes paralysis. Not choosing for fear of choosing the wrong thing. But I am SO determined that we CHOOSE what we are and where we go, and not let the path choose us anymore.

I don’t want outside forces dictating where we go anymore. We move closer to my job or his. We move cause of this or that. I want to pick something to shoot for, and then do things accordingly. Right now, I want to be nearer to Augusta/Atlanta. No way in HELL or HIGH WATER do I want to live in Atlanta, but working there wouldn’t be so bad. There is a MOUNTAIN of opportunity there, and I wish I were closer to take advantage of it. Doug has said something about Florida. If I had my druthers, out west is where I’d move us all to. I really want us to nestegg a little bit so that we can buy that piece of land or that boathouse or that {INSERT THING I WANT NOW}. We have some options, I guess, and I’m almost to the decision making paralysis stage because, though it is not even CLOSE to being true, it FEELS like I have only one shot at doing it right. I think that is the thing I have to stop thinking, that there’s only one chance. I need to be like I was when I moved out to HEE HAW HELL. I’m going to do this and, well, if it fucks up, I guess I’ll do something else.

I am not in the most essential of vocational fields. But I have the advantage of being in it for a while and knowing my poop. And I’m trying not to freak out at the scarcity of interviews I am getting – it has always been that it’s a feast or famine type cycle when it comes to openings. And when you send resumes from out of state, I think 90% of the time, they go in the trash. I’m trying to keep the confidence that there is a lot of things out there for me, which from experience, has always borne out. I’ve always landed remarkable jobs, albeit, it may have taken longer than a reasonably comfortable wait. And I believe in Doug, I know there is the RIGHT place for him. He has skills and talents that can take him a LONG way. He’s done it before, and I believe he’ll do it again.

Plus, I’m sending out about 90 resumes every three days for us, so somebody might be just be getting sick of seeing the same one everyday in their inbox and schedule an interview just to make me stop invading their email.

Right now, I may be just thinking aloud, I may be just giving me a pep talk, I may be batshit delusional.

Other than that, I couldn’t describe how very right everything is. It is very comforting to know the only thing wrong is financial, the only thing that is out of your control is money. And money is something you CAN control. It is – with determination and tenacity, it is definitely something that is a tool you can use to make your life better. Thinking its the end all-be all is detrimental thinking because it allows MONEY to control and conquer you. Money should be something everybody should conquer – its neither something you love, or that adds to your soul. It’s money. It’s not like I have loved ones having health problems or I am dying from lupus or the dogs have heartworms. There are so much more important things in life that SHOULD have your attention and that you SHOULD be afraid of. I’m just not going to let money be one of them anymore. Heh, not that its not IMPORTANT. Because. I want some. I need some. And I’m trying to get some.

So all that is on my mind, and I’m trying to shove it out for today. It is always WAY too crowded in my head, and for now, I want to evict the items that aren’t helping my psyche. It’s an extradordinarily nice day, all the doors are open, the animals are doing god knows what.

Nowadays, they disappear into the backyard and is about an acre back there they can do dirty deeds in. I’m not good with a LOT of nature around me. The summer seemed better to go traipsing back there, because at least in my mind, it was too hot for snakes and shit to be out and about in the main part of the yard trying to eat me.