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8 November 2008, 00:00

Awake and ever so slightly hung over.

I’m what I think is an accidental partier. I’ll be some where long enough where a party will grow up around me. Crowds, noise and hoopla. And at that point, I’m entrenched enough to go with it. I don’t like crowds and big parties and for the most part, avoid them. Every once in a while, I’ll indulge, and maybe have fun at it, but mostly – no. Not for me. Small quiet and interesting is how I like things. I was casually invited down to the local watering hole’s halloween party. A bar thing. I haven’t been to a bar halloween party in 8 or 9 years. I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t going to go. Tricia from home said, and I quote “Suck it up” and go. I thought about it – okay I’ll go, but I won’t dress up. But then I got an irony-inspired idea for a costume. Cowgirl. Got some shitkickers, a hat and other accompanying acutramon and set off. I don’t cotton to the idea of being southern, but I could dig being a cowboy. Oh, and I like a total of two country songs now – Gary Allen’s “Right Where I Need To Be” and some other thing about beer for horses or something like that.

The one thing I’ve discovered is that it takes a long time before folks will come up and talk to me. I really don’t go out of my way to talk to them though, so that might have something to do with it. But even when I am receptive to conversation, not many attempts are made. So it’s the uncommon and brave man I’ve found that will strike up a conversation with me at the tavern. I don’t feel like a REGULAR regular at OMT. I am known and liked, but I don’t think people know much about me and probably sense something that keeps them from asking more than what I tell. And, to be honest, high socialization isn’t really a big goal of mine. Although SOME socialization would be cool. So the party really didn’t start till about 10 at OMT, where folks came in and the “Bud” girls in tight jeans and t-shirts (and on a cold, “turkey’s done” kinda night, too). I ended up sitting for most of the night nursing a beer, talking to John, and old man who thinks I need therapy and advice from him. I just sit there and usually just smile and nod as I watch his lips move. Really, can’t understand a goddamn word he says.

Early in the evening, this very metro, very hot guy walks in, talks to Jill and then goes and sits in the corner by the window. I ask about him, because, hey, I’m a people person. She says he’s the DJ they hired but then didn’t want and forgot to tell him. The guy had drove down from Asheville to do the gig and I guess was just pissed and making the best of it.

So I can’t really take my eyes off him. I finally ask Jill if it would be bad idea if I just went over to talk to him, if he’s really pissed. She said it couldn’t hurt since they bagged his night. Since nobody ever talks to me, I thought this would be good karma. And did I mention he was hot? I was getting a gay vibe from him but still. Hot is hot. Metro and looking to be about 25 to 35 years old. I asked if he was having a good night and would he want some company, and he invites me to sit down. We started talking and he was telling me that he was just trying to make the best of the evening. We talked about small town life, and how we both loved Asheville. He had lived in a few places and loved the small city feel of Asheville, but the only other place he would want to go back to is New York. He was straight, single and not seeing anybody. I was taken aback by this and told him he was very cute and I can’t see how the he’s not beating the ladies off with a stick. He said, well, they become interested after they find out he’s not gay. He was a singer, as well as a software engineer and had spent a stint in music theater (one of the only one’s that wasn’t gay) but he had roommates that were, and taught him a lot about how to dress and groom and whatnot (and they taught him well – thank you gay men, thank you). He married/divorced young but “I got my daughter out of it.” I talked about my work and my experiences and I think he dug my company – you know when guys lean in, put their chin in their hand, elbow on the table, cock their head at you and just stare and smile? This, I interpreted, was interest in my company. We had the Bud Light babes bug us, and shared some laughs. He made it an early night because he had to coach his daughter’s soccer team in the morning. He left me with a “Maybe I’ll see you around.” I left him with a smile and “Nice to meet you.” After that, I made it a fairly early night. I was kicking myself that I didn’t at least attempt to get a number or see if he was interested in me.

So, in a bold move I thought, I drove back, and got the agencies’ number from Jill and left a message for him. Jill didn’t have his number or even knew his name.

I knew his name. His name was Paul.

Eh, what the hell. I gave it a shot.

It was a nice night. I’m glad I went out.

I was actually excited about going. I was telling a friend about the party and costume. I had mentioned that Ken’s work called me about filling out some paperwork to get the final stock payment. WHU? So, off handedly I said “he’s still takes care of me, even when he’s not here” and he said “I’m sorry” – and I lost it. I don’t know why, I started crying. I guess it was the thought that at one time, someone was there to care enough about me to try and help me and take care of me. It really blindsided me, the wave of emotion I felt. It subsided eventually and I pulled it together. But lately, I’ve been trying to deal with a LOT, and I mean a lot of the squishy issues, about relationships and love and what I am now, what I was then and what honestly is going on with me. Guilt and some regret, topped off with a touch of loneliness. I have friends. I just don’t have close friends here. I don’t have something that feels intimate or comforting in any respect. I feel people don’t know me, and probably couldn’t give a giant rat’s ass about some of my deeper issues. I don’t blame anybody or hold it against them. It’s hard to care for a stranger in any true capacity and I haven’t exactly tried to not be one.

But the good thing is, I might have an infusion of fundage, and if it’s a lot, I’m going to be paying off some personal debt that’s been weighing heavily on my mind for sometime now. Maybe buy some shoes. Or move to a house with heat, cause GODDAMN, this ain’t right. I’m a long distance slumlord and MY tenants have heat.

Anyway. Chiefs play tomorrow. 1 and 6. GO CHIEFS!! …don’t laugh.