| Now |


19 May 2008, 01:00

Just sealed and stamped 124 envelopes with 124 resumes. They will be winging their way to North Carolina, and I can damn well guarantee that maybe I’ll get 5 replies. Cold calling these resumes to the Asheville/Charlotte area and vicinity. Plus, I’ve sent 30 out through online sources. I really don’t know how else to do this, since I don’t know anybody that can “help” out a sista in need.

There’s a couple of positions I REALLY want, so hopefully those resumes will stand out and shine with the Duh goodness that they are infused with.

I know. It all smacks of desperation. Yup. I’ll admit it. I need to make something happen. I guess this is the way to do it… or at least A way. I’ve checked online, I’ve checked newspaper websites and all those career sites – Nationsjob, Careerbuilder, Monster and some that were sent to me that I’ve never heard of.

And I’ve applied and clicked and printed and sealed and stamped and pdfed and doc-ed and did all I think I could have done. I’m registered with agencies and placement services. Okay. So its only been a couple of days, but dang it, I’m not employed yet. I’ve probably just flushed 50 dollars worth of stamps down the toilet – I’m imagining a lot of these being tossed in the garbage… not even a nice “you suck” letter as an acknowledgement of my efforts. Although. I am told by Creative that if I would just choose Raleigh and get my butt there, I’m golden. And, as much as it would be to me admitting defeat that I couldn’t get onto the city I wanted to be in (Asheville), I wouldn’t be opposed to being in Raleigh. I feel so schizophrenic on this whole thing – like I can’t just focus and sit down and devote some energy to doing one city, and having the patience to wait before panicking and sending out a billion more resumes to city #2, #3 and #4. I’ve seen others do the job search here at the same time I am. They seem more… calm? smart? orgainized? about it. But they didn’t get the jobs they were going after either, so maybe I’m not so dumb in trying this shotgun approach and being a panicked chicken.

Beats me. Everyone says I should have no problem. And, you know, I could be overreacting, and we all know, usually, I don’t overreact. Since its only been three days, and I haven’t even put these 124 resumes in the post yet. You know, saying that out loud makes me realize what a dumbass I am by panicking about being rejected from people who haven’t even received my resume.

It would help, during this time of remarkable trials and tribulations, if I would engage the brain a bit more. I have to go mail my resumes now. And buy more stamps.

  • Later ***

Well. This didn’t update like it was suppose to, but its fixed now.

Woke up about an hour ago. It was a mostly sound sleep, and about 3 1/2 hours. Maybe now, I’m only suppose to get 3 to 4 hours a night instead of 6? Or it could be stress. But I think its letting up a little, or I’m learning to ignore it better.

I did something that I started while ago, but haven’t done in about three or four weeks. I went outside in the dark, warm summer night, and sat. Just sat and looked at the dark violet sky. I sat and tried to become more at ease. I tried to find something affirming to hang onto. I looked and saw that I was small. Very small compared to midnight spread before me. I had done this nightly for a while, and strangely, it gave me a sense of peace. During the weeks of goodbyes and disconnections… and loss (again), I had stopped. Now I find, I am needing peace again. I’ve always needed peace – or at least a small bit of time where I could feel the peace again, where my mind was quiet enough to hear the whispers of the world dozing, where the world finally rested, where things could stop for a moment and I didn’t have to think about anything except for quiet wind and night sky. I need to start doing this again.

This morning I’m more easily able to gain a bit of motivation. The little sleep I did get was sound, and the path is clearer to me now – I know what I need to do, at least for the time being. I’ve gotten pay off information and options for what to do with the crackerbox. Job search is in full swing, although the resumes won’t get to North Carolina for a day or two. And plus its not even 8 o’clock there now, so any electronic intrusions probably won’t be looked at for a while. I’m dealing with the feelings of loss and disconnection, both recent and not so recent. I’ve shut down the negative in my life for now and I bring up past good memories when I need an infusion of joy and strength. I have nutty brown legs and the sunburn is healed up enough to itch like a bastard. And I’m happy to say, that my sense of humor is fully intact – and running a little on the dark and dirty side these days. I’m taking to heart the lyrics from the Robbie Williams song, Lazy Days – ironically taking inspiration from one who went headlong into rehab. “The world can change in a second, I find the sunshine beckons me, To open up the gate, And dream and dream…”

And I will have a jolly good time.