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12 December 2007, 00:00

You know, I just realized, christmas is going to suck this year.

Today, ken’s sister came into town.I had misgivings (and so did a lot of other people) about the sister and what she would take away with her when she got here to day. I have no legal rights at all to any of kenny’s things.

sister got into town. we all cried and went over to pauls (kenny’s mentor friend). it was a day of showing me old photos and crying and stuff. i’m mad at kenny that he didn’t keep in better touch with those he loved, but he went his own way. she was in no way wanting to take things away or anything and it went really well. i cried at dinner at Pauls house because I felt he should be there. he should have talked to paul… and his sister… and all the people who loved him, he should have been there. He seem to cut people out of his life. It’s hard to nag someone to do things they want to do. I feel like I should have pushed harder, because what I saw today was a bunch of people who loved him. I should have pushed harder for him to reconnect. I felt guilty that maybe it was me that was keeping him from returning to those people. Because he had shelter with me, that he didn’t connect with them. They were far better people for him to be with. It was almost like we knew two different Kens. But Kim the sister, thanked me for being there for kenny, for being his rock and some other stuff (I don’t remember what else). They all assured me that I couldn’t have made him do anything he didn’t want to or wasn’t going to.

I’m sort of numb. I have his ashes out in the living room. I talk to them. I’m talking to ashes or driver’s licenses like its a secret window to where ever kenny is now.

I had asked one of kenny’s internet shell buddies about the only thing of value he had, his shell collection and if there was any documentation that might have had that would have indicated kenny wanted to leave his shells to me. this is what he wrote back:

Phil wrote: “I spent a lot of time talking with Ken and I’ll swear that everything he had of value is meant for you. You were the center of his life. He specifically wanted me to take the {Shell Forum) Board if he ever gave it up, but the shells and all other things of value were clearly to be yours if anything happened to him. He didn’t specifically mention the shells – just that you were the one in his life he cared most about – that you had each other – clearly meaning all that was his is yours.”

I wrote back: “that means a lot. ken wasn’t ever a talkative, share your feelings sort of dude, I knew he loved me, but its nice to know KNOW it.”

it’s been a long hard day. i’ve been blessed, because someone like kenny loved one such as myself.

The memorial in minnesota is in January, so I’ll be able to be there. Thank you all for the donations, it helps with the trip, and with the mortuary services, and with this months mortgage.

Thank you:

Larry Weinberg
William Campo
Lesa Snider
Karl Hehr
Greg Cooper
David Martin
Larry Bigham
Daniel Neal
Maurice Shevalier
Nanther Thangarajah
Donald Harvey
Susan Smith
Jean MacDonald
Loren Finkelstein
Sylvia Marton
and a special thanks to Web Bixby