| Now |


5 May 2018, 07:36

Well. I’m learning.

I’m learning EITHER how to pull myself out of the rabbit hole, or just to ride the dragon better. I had the bad, bad day yesterday but I’m feeling myself coming out of it. It’s just a matter of not being so pessimistic about shit that hasn’t even happened yet. Or may never happen. Or just adopting the attitude, I can handle anything that comes my way. I have, up to this point, and there is no evidence to the contrary that I won’t be able to so, I just need to get more laid back about it all. I’m working on it.

So. As I get… happier? As life gets better, or at least levels out, things get boring in my world. As I don’t mind boring, indeed, boring would be a nice change from what’s happened so far, I don’t have the giant cathartic (and sometimes funny) rants that need to be penned. Don’t worry though, this next eight days, I think I will climb that mountain of Freak-the-Fuck-Out until I reach the summit on the 25th. They say don’t drink before your divorce hearing. I’m coming to the conclusion ONE shot of Tuaca won’t be the worse thing in the world. Now, five or six might be, but I think ONE will be enough.

I don’t have one thing to talk about, just some of the bits and pieces. And I’ll have the total story behind the divorce and what not AFTER the 25th, so stay tuned for that, those of you who will care. I think that one will be that crazy-person-story funny that I can achieve every once in while.

Things today:

  • So. I AM learning to think differently. I think it comes from a really hard effort on my part to NOT stampede to my defensive bunkers and thinking the roof is caving in. It really hasn’t happened yet. The worse things that have happened were in November and December. Boy, those things were bad. But I’m here now, and that’s proof I got through it. I seriously doubt any more dogs will die accidentally and I think I might still have water, a job, and no major injuries in the foreseeable future so, I’m making myself be optimistic. It’s crazy when what you really want for the summer are dogs that are still breathing, your 9-to-5 slog to still happen, and nothing that sends you to the emergency room (yet again).

  • This fat dog named Hurley has become the BIGGEST baby. He used to be really odd. But odd in a standoffish, I’m-not-sure-about-you way. Now, he’s odd in the staring-at-you-whimpering, MUST CUDDLE WITH YOU, lookie-I’m-a-big-fat-baby-rub-my-belly-mommy sort of way. It’s really becoming very sweet. The whole dog dynamic has calmed down and settled into a routine with them, I’m hoping, becoming more comfortable, and adapting to the new normal. I look at them everyday, and I swear to god, thank the universe that I have them. I couldn’t imagine what sort of mess I would be without them. Losing Lila nearly killed me, so, I have a preview of what hole I’ll fall into should one of these befall a tragedy. They are the ones that bring a smile to my face everyday.

  • Car: Part 1. I love my car now. I’ve fully accepted the love I have for it. I do miss being able to control the iphone with the steering wheel, and having electronic door locks, but that is not even a thing that registers with me more than occassionally. My fuel mileage is ALL over the place – the first tank got 35 mpg, the second got 31, the third was up to 40, so something is going on that’s not right. I have started a spread sheet to collect empirical data on what mileage I’m getting, how much I’m spending, how often I fill up, etc. Yes. I’m that much of a nerd. I have to, also, read all that warranty and whatever that came with the car. I read the manual cover to cover with a highlighter, and now I need to get to that warranty deal.

  • Car: Part 2. So, I really love my car. It’s something I picked out, and something that I drilled down to from all the cars on earth to pick from. This wasn’t something gotten for me, like the Eclipse or the Volvo. I’m starting to have the affection for it that I had for the Avenger, and I loved me some o’ dat Avenger SO much. I was angry and heartbroken for a long time when Doug wouldn’t get it fixed. He bought the Eclipse instead. I eventually liked the Eclipse a lot, but if the Avenger was a healthy alternative, I would choose an 1998 Avenger over an Eclipse. But I eventually liked the Eclipse enough for it to be a contender for 2018 DUSTY CAR. When I had the Avenger, for some reason UNCONSCIOUSLY, I actively scanned the surroundings for other Avengers. When I owned the Eclipse, I started noticing other Eclipses more. Same with the Volvos. My eyes would go to other Volvos. They still see Volvos, but usually when I see them, I flip them off and mutter under my breath “Fuck fucking Volvos, pieces of shit” or some variation of that. Now. I’m starting to scan for other black cars. I LOVE black cars and specifically looked for a black car. My little car is black. I remember before I got this car, I looked for black cars, and I didn’t see very many. Now, I see them ALL OVER the place. Still think my little black car is cooler and more unique than anybody elses. BECAUSE MINE IS SPECIAL!! Yeah. I love it.

  • Car: Part 3. The dealership hasn’t cashed my big, fat, fucking down payment check yet. They were suppose to. I have this fantasy that they lost it or forgot about it. They don’t ever get around to it and I have an extra $1,500 in my account for a while. Not going to happen, but its a nice fantasy.

  • During my bad day yesterday, and probably the day before, I got very defensive in my head about a plethora of shit. I also found friends in the most unexpected places. A mixture of self pity and “FUCK YOU” caused me to prune some friends from my mind and my FB. They are “friends” that are “friends” but they aren’t really FRIENDS. They are ones that are finicky and fickle and the type that don’t accept you, or you just get the feeling in your gut that something is wrong there. Right now, I want to be SURE of those around me, and I am worth it to care about. I am worth it to put up with some of my faults and insensitivities. I am circling the wagons, and putting up walls, but, I’ve got people on the inside so its not like I’m like the unabomber or some friendless loner hating on the world. I just hate on most of the world, and I’m not armed, so its all good.

  • I love my job. It has its moments, but I don’t seem to complain about it like all these other people do. I would keep it forever, except print media as a goal in itself, isn’t a stable product. Publishing is dying. A lot of people say it really isn’t, but I think it is. I would rather be a creative inside a corporation or company that made a tangible product, like I did at Viega. They had deep pockets and what they made will be around just about forever. You can’t really digitize out, or make obsolete, plumbing. Everybody needs plumbing. Unless there’s a way to make a transporter beam poopy out into the sun, we need plumbing and fixtures. Viega had DEEP enough pockets and a diverse enough product/client base to survive housing dips and what not. It was a really secure job and it paid pretty well. This. Not so much. I’ve been looking for something, though I’m not ready to leave. I want to know what is out there, and I’m really lucky enough to look like I’m in my 30s-40s so I’m going to avoid ageism discrimination. I’m attractive enough to over come the prejudices against ugly people – that is actually a thing. And I’m talented and nimble of mind enough to learn and grow quickly, professionally. I could easily adapt and learn web development or a more IT vocation. I am still pretty marketable, I just need a bigger market.

  • In about a month, things will settle into normal. Whatever it becomes around mid June, will be my new normal. A new normal in bills, a new normal in vocational status, a new normal in routine, a new normal in socialization. Unless something happens to extend this nightmare I’m in past the end of May, the new black is coming. I am looking SO forward to just knowing what’s coming and being in the new normal.

  • Getting stalked by the Rock Hill contingent. Been blocking IPs and such. Not sure why they drop by, because, (shrug) there’s nothing to be gained by it. Excepting upsetting me. And, well. It’s not that upsetting. It’s annoying to have to block IPs, but there’s really nobody up there that I really care about – I made NO friends from that part of my life. Indeed, Dingus made sure I was isolated from them – I guess so that any lies and shit he told about me couldn’t be contradicted by the truth. My reasons why he wasn’t introduced to any of my world was past experience. He has insulted and degraded my coworkers, embarassed me to the point where people would take me aside in that most caring way to explain to me that I needed to be far away from him, and just generally would mock and disrespect anything of which I was involved. And. Well. This all, actually, became a blessing in disguise. I lost no friends when we he left. I am not a victim of any smear campaigns because, well, whoever he could bad mouth me to, I don’t know, and I don’t care. And it made it 100x easier to go NO CONTACT. I haven’t had any whisp of contact with Dingus, his social media, his social presense, or his social circle. Honestly, all those people seem really sketchy to me, but then again, one could have predicted that by the type of person he was.

  • Sigh. I need to exercise more because I stopped about two weeks ago. I need to examine my caffeine addiction. I drink a little 5 hour shot almost every morning with a couple of swallows of cherry Coke. This is my breakfast. Yesterday, I didn’t have it, and I was sluggish and exhausted at the end of the day, though, I had a solid night’s sleep (yeah, that could be one of the big factors causing my insomnia). But, I had one this morning, and I feel normal. I feel fine. I know this stuff is probably doing something horrendous to me, but at least I’m not shooting meth into my big toe or drinking fifths of vodka every day. I haven’t had fast food in about two months and the last time I did was ONE burger from Sonic. And to be honest, that was the best food I had put in my mouth in FOREVER, and I almost cried on how good it was. Yup. That’s how they getcha. Poverty has definitely helped my eating habits. I eat more home cooked food, or fresh salads and wraps you can get in the deli section. I have NO junk food in the house. No cake, no cookies, no candy, nothing sweet, no pizza, no ice cream, no microwave burrittos, no happy food. That, I have to admit, is depressing, but I am too lazy to go out to buy anything happy. My laziness trumps my cravings for yummy. Thusly, losing weight.

  • Speaking of weight. I’m still losing weight. Lost 40 lbs. since Dingus’ departure in November. When the new normal comes, I’m going to buy some clothes that fit, jewelry that fits, underpants that fit. Maybe some summer shoes.

There’s that clickity clack in my brain for today. Going to be a betta day, tater.