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8 April 2015, 01:10

So it’s late.

And I treadied. I’ve upped tready intensity in the last week and drastically lowered calorie intake. Started running and crunches and been eating really well. I was hoping that shit wouldn’t matter, but fuck if it doesn’t. I went down almost 2.5 pounds in the last couple of weeks. Shit. I’d kill you dead for a cookie right now.

Plus, there has been a bit of stress. Dougie is far from being the perfect person to live with, and sometimes he dips down into the well of crap and comes up with something that pushes me to the edge. Shit like that tends to kill any appetite I have. It was pretty easy to almost fast for a couple of days. You would have thought I’d get use to it, as it happens regularly. Less as the years go by, but the amount it decreases isn’t enough to keep me from almost giving up.

There’s that saying that sunshiny Christians like to say: “God will never give you more than you can handle”… Really? Nope. I call crock-o-shit on that one.

You get shit. From GOD/UNIVERSE/RANDOM EVENT GENERATOR. And basically 80-90% handle it. We rise to the challenge of handling it. Some of us have breakdowns temporarily, some of us stage a nutty, but eventually, we ball up and handle it. There’s really little choice. If GOD/UNIVERSE/RANDOM EVENT GENERATOR gave us all the amount we can handle, NO ONE would be breaking down, failing, falling or quitting. And there is a mass amount of that in the world. We do the best we can. And fuck God and those sunshiny Christians, sometimes it’s MORE than we can bare at the moment. Don’t make us feel inadequate or failures if for some reason we can’t fucking handle the sometimes vast, overwhelming amount of storm damage that comes our way. Don’t make us feel shitty because we fall. It just makes it harder to get back up.

I fucking hate all those inspirational quotes that reduce the complexity and nuance of life into vague, insipid quips that mean nothing, do nothing, enhance nothing. They don’t give you an insight into life, they don’t give you skills to navigate the rough seas that sometimes you encounter, and they certainly don’t make a lot of sense to me.

Yeah. I had a bad couple of days through no fault of my own. Occasionally, I’m left screaming because I feel no one hears me. More than occasionally, I’m left weeping, because the hill I climb gets really steep. There’s no fucking manual to all this, and I’m left to figure out this Rube Goldberg machine by myself. You would think, I’d be competent enough to have mastered a little bit of what it means to live. And it doesn’t help when you think you are always faltering.

I feel bad for even saying anything, because it always seems that I’m bellyaching. I’m not manning up and just shutting-the-fuck-up. I’m sure this too will pass, as everything else has, but as sure as the sun will rise again tomorrow, I know there is new, steeper hills coming my way. That’s fucking depressing as hell.

Yeah. Bad couple of days.