| Now |


19 April 2008, 01:00

Of late, this life is slowly pushing me out. The ties I had to the familiar city that kept me here, now seem to have tightened around my neck. Career, memory, hearth and home, all seem to be weights and burdens that age me. I feel a million years old.

I’ve always wanted to move, to attempt to swim in a bigger pond. Ken never did. There was never enough preparation, never enough money, not enough guaranteed for him to try. And so I stayed too. The thing I always said that if you wait until you are ready, you will never be, and never go. But I stayed. I stayed, and put away those things that made me want to leave, want to explore, want to risk and want to fly.

I went to visit my best friend in North Carolina. She’s been trying to get us (me) to move for years and years. I finally went to visit. I saw a “family” that welcomed me with open arms, I saw drastically different scenery, I saw opportunity that doesn’t exist here. I felt 10 years younger. I felt it was all brand new, and I started to yearn for it. It felt like this was one of those opportunities that only presented itself once. It was a door that was opening, one that led to a second life. One that led to a life I could live as a complete person. There was brick and mortar connection that, lately I’ve been wanting – there was support, emotional and moral, if I needed it. There was a god awful lot of opportunity for someone in my field. And it was a leap into the unknown. I’ve always been drawn to bold action, and doing instead of thinking. Just my way.

And at first, my decision was based almost solely on escaping something, running away from a dissatisfying employment situation. I needed to move, I wanted to move, because I can’t take it anymore. Slowly it morphed into something else. Its changed into something that I have to do because if I don’t I’ll regret it. Some nebulous thing about grabbing opportunity, and it may never come around and that is more undefined. Its more of going toward something instead of running away. Running away from dissatisfaction is very concrete than running towards something unknown. It’s frightened me to the core, because running towards the unknown could be so much worse than playing it safe and staying. But it also could be so much better. Also, the sense of urgency to do this move, this leap, has increased, because this life seems to be shutting down but I’m not out of it yet, so it may bring me down with it. Odd little duck aren’t I?

This is a ludicrous, insane thing I’m doing. With little money, and almost no forethought or preparation, I decided I want to move to North Carolina and, I guess, seek my fortune, for lack of a better description. At my present employment, there was a rumor going around I was going to quit. To give you a brief history of my fubarred marketing department, basically, it was a mess before my company merged with its parent. It was almost leaderless except for one overwhelmed person for about 8 months, in which, if I say so myself, I did shine during this time trying to pull together my little end of it. We all tried to keep it together. Then a leader, and I use the term loosely, was brought in, and within a short time 5 of the 7 member staff quit, or requested transfers. I am the latest one. The rumors started because, well, I was unhappy to say the least, and didn’t really mask it all that well. Still did my job, but my heart and soul wasn’t in it. So I was explaining to HR that it was just a rumor and I wasn’t quitting, but started explaining all the reasons I should. So, that instant, in the office, I gave 30 days.

I have two more weeks left. And I feel so disconnected at this point. I feel my concentration should be towards the east. I have agencies and placement services interested in me once I get to the state, but I have yet to relocate there. I’m in the midst of trying to figure out how to do something with the house I bought – rent, sell, burn the fucker down, whatever. I can’t sell, so I guess I rent the crackerbox.

I feel restless and anxious. I spent the day throwing away parts of my life, and lugging other parts to the garage for them to be hauled away. Its a weird nebulous melancholy I feel. I feel disassociated and down.

I went to the office, and packed up all my stuff. I have two weeks left, but for some odd motivation I wanted to do it now. I cried a little, as I, again, edited myself out of that life too. I think I wanted to do it, so I would have two weeks to get use to fact that I am not part of that organization anymore. I will miss so many people SO much.

I feel scared. Scared SHITLESS is the term I’ve been using. Sometimes I question my sanity and good sense, sometimes I am so excited I am overwhelmed. Right now, its melancholy.

What I need is a boost of something to break me out of this.

Or some pizza.

Or somebody to buy my house.

Or to win the lotto.