| Now |


13 May 2015, 11:48

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Reinhold Niebuhr

Learned some lessons today, above being one of them. Actually, I knew the above, I just need to be reminded of it more often.

I let it all get to me today. The weight of the world was on me and I let it seep into me, letting the guilt both legitimate and illegitimate soak into my bones. Then I felt guilty about feeling guilty. I turned into an Ouroboros letting my low self esteem feed on itself, growing strong on my own failings. I was literally sobbing about real and imagined boulders I was pushing. And on top of all THAT mess, I was trying to figure out which I COULD be upset about and which were just contrivances of my own darker side.

I let myself just sob. I was completely engulfed and just sobbed. Dogs were staring at me, cats were running from me. I just ate my own tail. And then I choked on it.

I sat down. And I let it all wash over me. I didn’t even try to think anymore, I think I exhausted myself into total numbing catatonia. Sitting and just clicking on innocuous Facebook links, posting drivel, and mostly staring at nothing I can remember. Then the universe, or god, or whatever came to me, and spoke the most enlightened, soul saving, message that brought a peace borne out of divine grace to me.

“Fuck it, dude”

Holy mother of pearl, it was like the angels softly cooing a chorus of “Fuck Its” to me. I was speeding in a Ferrari at 100 mph towards a giant rabbit hole filled with spiders, and suddenly veered to the side at the last minute. FUCK IT.

Lesson ONE

There’s a lot of things I could do better. But then, there’s a lot of things I got right. FUCK the rantings of some stranger who doesn’t know me. I don’t know her issues but FUCK ME if I let her get into my head and take up residence. And its a tragic eventuality if I ever let a person like her drain my strength from me.

Lesson TWO

I’m not fucking dead. And until I am, there’s always hope. Employment will come. Purpose will be restored. I have qualities that are valuable. I have done my part in the past, and will do my part in the future. To let anyone tell me different, that I am some sort of drain or parasite is just criminal. I am productive. I will work. This down time, is temporary. This one is the hardest to deal with. So much of my self worth is entangled with what I do. I am still struggling with this one – it is the hardest to deal with.

Lesson THREE

I’m am not the superintendent of other people’s happiness. I can only do what I can. They are not trapped by my actions, they are not controlled by my thoughts, and I sure can’t really make anybody do anything they don’t want to. My purpose should not be at the behest of anyone else. Again. I can only do what I can do, and my happiness is not ultimately dependent upon the judgment and whimsy of others. If others aren’t happy, then maybe it’s up to them to do something about it.

Lesson FOUR

Well. Fuck. I forgot number four. It’ll come to me.

Lesson FIVE

Cut yourself a fucking break once in a while. High expectations are good to have, but psychotically trying to make the world perfect, and NEVER letting yourself make a mistake can’t be very healthy. I need to cut myself a break. I’m not the only one that should be rowing this canoe. I shouldn’t expect that A) I am the engine that moves the Titanic and B) even if I was, I shouldn’t cleave such a thing to my heart and think its my job to be happy with that lot in life.

I could use a beer right now.