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9 May 2018, 12:15

I’m in a unique place. I’m a nerd girl, almost-nearly single, oldish and stuck in the south.

The south is a different place altogether, where people pair up and the traditional gender roles rule. Traditional relationship values and timelines are king. I talked a little about these things to the young man who sold me my car. He was 24 and an atheist and expressed that he’s discovered women down here expect to be married early, and to be taken care of, I suppose, until they die. I said to him that traditional timelines are the norm here, and that I found men, for the most part, occupy that provider role, wanting a submissive woman to take care of them. If they are divorced or single at my age, there’s a VERY good reason for it. Most divorced/single men of my advanced years are wanting back that wife/mother figure to take care of them. They want to come home to dinner, plop in front of a TV and grow a recliner out of their ass, while on the weekends they binge drink, kill things or hang with other dilapidated geezers living out some scene from Hee Haw. The adventure and youthful perspectives have long been left behind, and they have very traditional southern, manly interests – alcohol, sports, tv and hunting. Maybe its because I’m in the sticks? If I hung out in the more urban parts of this southern fried hell, I would find more like-minded folks? As in Wichita, there is a bar scene downtown and I find it unappealing. The hustle and to/fro of hungry mid life adults with agendas and motivations I don’t possess. Crowds don’t please me, and neither do people on the hunt (for sex, for companionship, for spouses, for drinks) which is found in just about every downtown I’ve been in.

And I don’t fit here. I am a giant nerd. I love science fiction, science, politics, computers, space, etc. I love debate and conversation. I love people watching and if I could do it with beer, that’s even better. I had fun when I was shooting the bands, because there wasn’t any social pressure. It was like I was at work. Nobody assumed anything of me and they kept their distance (except for one weirdo who kept staring at me). I’m not interested in kids or church, though I am respectful of both. I am not interested in caring for an old man and catering to his whims and whimsies, and at this point in life, I just want a dude to go to the movies with me, or do a daytime Asheville bar crawl with me and my camera. Maybe a clique to go to science fiction cons, or dinner theater or MY FAVORITE THING, stand up comedy.

The summer is coming up and a plethora of Marvel movies are coming out. There are comedy shows I want to see. There are arty farty events I want to go to. And most I can drag my camera to, and be able to enjoy and be comfortable at these events. I guess, unless I want to drive three hours to Asheville, it’ll just be me or whatever friend du jour I can con into going with me. Probably mostly me. I’m not afraid of that, in fact in most incidences, I prefer it. And. I find that nobody is really interested in going to these things.

The one thing I do miss is going OUT to the movies because its an event. Movie popcorn and soda, sitting with 50 other people who are really into the movie I’m about to see is a great thing to me. And to be honest, I liked doing the movies every week, especially when it was a blockbuster perfectly suited for the GIANT screen. This is an outing that really is something you share with someone. And there is no local I really want to go with. So, for the moment, the movies are something of the past. I really want the right person to go with me. And just picking some yahoo cause he asked is not the way to go.

My friend’s friend apparently goes to the movies alone, and I’m just not that self possessed as all that. These days I find myself REALLY picky on who I want to eat lunch with, go do things with, go to the movies with, have dinner with. I think maybe I should lower my standards, but I really don’t want to. I compromised/lowered my standards and that really just didn’t work out well last time out, and I paid dearly for that. A GIANT part of my brain says keep the standards high, don’t accept what you don’t deserve and know your value. Here’s the part of the life rebuilding that I may have a bit of trouble with. I really do want to hang out with people that are like… me. I would love to find someone, or a bunch of someones very similar to… me.

“Me” is awesome. I am really a fun, awesome chick. I’m cool and smart. I love to laugh and have energy to spare. Except I don’t exactly fit here. If I find a like-minded person, they are usually young enough to be my spawn, and that’s just not right. I feel funny hanging with… youth. Because at some point, they show the stupid that is inherently present in youth, and I have little patience, these days, for stupid or adolescence like I had before.

I need. I need someone… LIKE ME.