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27 July 2015, 11:17

It’s all a question of motivation and how I have none. Not for the job hunt, not for the exercising, not for the general movement that I would require to get out of this chair. It’s because there are no hills in my day/week/month. Usually it’s an up and down roller coaster of things happening. Good or bad, there is some sort of activity happening. Now it’s just waiting, and for what, in particular, I can’t define. We’ve got the short list:

• Still awaiting what will be happening in the Doug Job arena – are we moving? are we staying? What do I need to be doing? Probably nothing. Probably a wait and see. I don’t know. Who knows. This whole thing has a “fuck it” kind of vibe to it.

• The big GOOD job for me is still in limbo. The latest I’ve heard on that is I’m “the best candidate.” On this, ditto as the above: what the fuck? is it moving forward? am I still in the running? what do I need to be doing? could I be drinking more in the daytime? All I know about this is, the position opening up is a big secret because I guess they haven’t canned the person in it yet. From what I’ve heard, I’m the best candidate. And from past experience, whatever is happening apparently happens slowly.

• Other job nibbles. Why in the blue hell are all these requests for interviews coming out of places from which I can’t possibly take a job? The commutes on some of these are 2 or 2+ hours long. A couple of them were slam dunk kind of positions that I probably would have a great chance of getting, except the 4 hours on the road everyday for a commute would literally put me in an early dirt box.

• Exercise. This I fucked up all by myself. So, I was making the progress, until I hit a plateau where no amount of killing myself on the treadmill, or calorie cutting was showing any progress. Then, just out of the blue one day, boom goes dah dynamite and I drop 3 pounds and broke the plateau deal. I SHOULD HAVE CONTINUED ON AND KEPT EATING RIGHT AND EXERCISING. But for whatever reason, like my routine being interrupted which gave me a reason not to do shit, I stopped. So now, I’m staring at the tready like it was Mt. Everest, wondering if this is going to be the day this shit is easy or its going to suck donkey scrotums. It’s too early in the day to declare it too late in the day to do it. And this little stalling tactic of talking to myself in the guise of blogging is only going to last for about 4 more minutes, so I have nothing to prevent me from getting up there and suffering.

Buddha says suffering builds character. Well. I don’t know if Buddha says it, but somebody did. Some sadistic, asshole motherfucker said it.

I have my tea. I have had my nasty, horrendous tasting energy shot. I can feel it taking effect, and yet my brain is racing for any reason not to do this. I know at about minute 45, the world will melt into a stinky, sweaty numb little catatonia of which will allow me to just putter on and do what is required of me by my OCD, but it’s that first 45 minutes which suck to high heaven.

I wish I was in a better mood. Even being in a foul mood might help. I’m just in the middle of blahsville, wondering when the zombies are going to start chasing me so that I may get my fucking exercise.