| Now |


26 June 2008, 01:00

I feel excitement and relief for what is accomplished. I feel a strange meloncholy for what I’ve lost, and am losing – even if some of it may be only temporary. I head home tomorrow. I head home to my “family” who’s hopefully none the worse for wear. And then, the next trip out here makes my home in North Carolina a reality. And I feel excited. But I feel that Kansas and home has been torn from me a bit, and I feel a wound (of my own making) where all that life was.

I am in a place I’ve always wanted to be – not North Carolina, don’t be nuts, it’s full of southerners. I meant I am whole and complete and creating a life that is one bigger than me. I am getting free wishes from the genie, my dreams are within reach.

And I really have no one to share it with. One who is the other half of yourself. A one who shares your path and who’s footfalls echo your own. I’ve read some of the earliest pain I wrote after Ken died. I’ve thought about the empty space beside me, and about lost loves. Misplaced loves. Distant loves. I am grateful for my second life. I am just heartbroken that it came about in the manner it did, and I am heartbroken at circumstances that make the place beside me empty.

It’s bittersweet. I taste the sweetness of life in the fullest of flavors now, but I remember the bitter of what was and what currently is. And the wretched taste of the phrase “it is what it is.”

I feel strangely wise, like a being who has trodden through a great journey, who has seen many things and has been marked by each of them. I think, it feels like the loss of innocence. I feel the loss of my innocence but the rewards of wisdom.

It feels so strange. And I feel alone, and maybe just a touch of loneliness – but as I have said before, I am only lonely when I am missing someone. And I am missing someone beside me right now.

  • Afterthought***

What do you do with a rhino with three balls?

~ wait for it ~

~ wait for it ~

~ wait for it ~

You walk him and pitch to the elephant!

  • later ***

I am frikken starving to death.