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7 September 2009, 01:00

I am a helluva gal, and you know what it gets me?

Gina owes me $2,000 for a mortgage loan
Lewis owes me $1,000 for Ken’s shells
Shawn owes me $89 for getting his son a birthday present for him
Donna owes me $85 for utilities, and a large part of my fucking sanity back
Brianna owes me a car title (hopefully soon)

I can’t pay back other nice people who’ve loaned me money. So its a vicious cycle of finishing last.

Just thinking about that, today as I try and wrap up loose ends on an old life, and starting on the path of the new one.

It’s a new life coming at me – it feels like one finally. I’m unshackled from some of the more serious anchors that were weighing me down, and I’m single – the former makes me nervous and the latter scares the hell out of me. I’m setting goals now, and can see a way to get to them now. I just need a break or two, but if they don’t come, I’ll make them for myself. I’m fretting just a little now, but I think it will be more than all right for me. Imagine. It took a LONG time to get to this point.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about is where I want to be. I had the offer from Charleston which I can’t really take… yet. Without an influx of funding, I can’t take any of the offers I’ve gotten from deep in South Carolina. But if I can get something in Spartanburg or Asheville (maybe even the surrounding communities, especially Tryon) I would be more than thrilled. Eventually, I’ll bank a bit to move. I can now think about commutes and driving. The title and license will work itself out and I now have a set of wheels that are mine, or will be as soon as the title comes in from Raleigh.

I was thinking about the eastern part of the state, RTP and Raleigh-Durham. If I moved out that way, I would want to be in Wilmington. I fell in love with the ocean in January when I saw it at Follies Beach and I can’t think of a better way to reward my little canine family for hanging in there with me than to be able to show them the the ocean.

Another possibility is the Asheville area. That whole area is wonderful, the surrounding towns and communities have the same feel as Ashe, and despite having more hills and greenery, it doesn’t make me feel overwhelmingly claustrophobic. There would be a metric ton of things to explore, from little restaurants and shops to artist enclaves and museums. There are little music clubs and galleries, things with which to enhance my career, things with which to expand my personal life. And I am not the odd one up there. There is no one mold of which I need to fit. I have short hair, extra poundage, and tomboyish, and I don’t feel that I’m less of a woman than anybody else. I don’t feel different (in that bad way), I don’t feel judged, I feel more of a peace. I know that’s not the greatest way to find peace, that you need to feel it within yourself, thus maybe having it anywhere you are, but it’s been so long since someone has looked at me in a way that didn’t make me feel defensive or uncomfortable, that sometimes finding that peace is harder than usual.

Duddy is on her way. Wish I knew which way it will be, but that will all be sussed out eventually.

  • dammit ***

Wish I had a microwave.

  • gazooks ***

So I take the dogs out to potty, when Buddy runs over to something in the grass. He pokes at it until I come over to look. It’s a baby bat. The bat was tangled up in the grass with a blade ripping through one of its wings. I put the dogs away and get a knife and cut the bat free from the grass. I carefully pull out the grass from its wing and watch it as it tried to flip over and crawl. I got it flipped over and it didn’t seem like it had really a destination, it just wanted to crawl. I let it hang from the bottom of my Reebok until I hopped over to the underside of the oil tank and shook it off there. At least it will have some shelter I hope.