| Now |


7 May 2008, 01:00

I’m up. Got up at 1 a.m. Tried to go back to sleep. Got up at 2ish, tried to go back to sleep. I’m up again. I know why I’m up now. I’m worrying about a place to live in North Carolina. I’m not exactly sure if I have one. I just know I need one. Can’t really do anything about it right now. I actually need to physically be there to do ANYTHING.

I’ve got very little distraction now to keep my mind off worrying. And all the positive voices of reassurance and encouragement are gone now. Not sure what to do. Now, I’m uncertain, NO INCOME, and NO DISTRACTIONS. Fucking Joy. I’m working toward the end of the week, when I’ll be hitting the open road. OH MY FUCKING GOD. Just me and my own thoughts keeping me company. Right now, I’m tired. I want to find the energy to go on. I don’t know where its going to come from, but I hope it comes soon. The next six months are going to be terrifying. I’ve had people say that in September, I’ll look back and laugh at all this.

Six months can change a life. Ripped a hole in it. Building a foundation for a new one. This last six months I feel like I’ve been through a shredder. And I feel the fear welling up inside me. There are big parts that I am grateful for and treasure. There are bigger parts that shame me. There are big parts that anger me. I see the calendar ahead of me and can’t picture what the days are going to be like. I want my new life to be amazing. Dazzling. Complete. Fulfilled. I wonder if I’m expecting too much. I want it to be filled with activity and vitality. Somebody said that I was alive and resilient. I don’t feel that way. There had been times in the last 6 months I DID feel like that. I overflowed with that. It had so much to do with the encouragement and wonderful people I had around me. They never let me even begin to think I couldn’t do it. They countered every negative thought with a flood of inspiration. Now when I have those thoughts, it’s stone silent.

In and out of Dodah for the next month, and hopefully all goes well with the moves and the driving.

Lord. The driving. 24 hours to get to North Carolina. I think I can’t drive it all straight through, I’m going to have to find the Bates motel on the way to crash. I have TWO phones now. I need to get rid of one of them. Wish I could find that lost iPhone. Wish I felt better. Wish I could do Friday again and change how it ended. I was feeling great on Friday, got to hear from a friend of mine, got to have a good day saying goodbye, got to go to a kickin’ party. And I keep myself from losing the phone.

  • later AM ****

Having the most horrible butterflies. Can’t make them stop. Sigh. Although I think I have some things worked out in my head. Still didn’t stop the anxiety. EEEPS. Dear Fucking Lord, it IS the start of something big here, in my life. I’m still not sure if will end up good. Everybody had said so. So who am I to argue that it won’t?

  • later still this AM ******

Butterflies gone. Got up, got dressed, went shopping, and am going to buy a half a percent interest in an oil well, that will net 800 bucks a month thus will take care of the mortgage on the crackerbox.

Amazing what a little Matchbox 20, sunshine, and oil money will do for one’s mood. I’ve gone zen about the phone, and the pictures I am distressed at losing, but they were only pictures, and the voicemail is heartbreakingly gone, but I will see my friend again and hear his voice again, so in essence, all I’ve lost is tangibles. The intangibles are in my head and my heart.