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NO SLEEP

5 April 2018, 01:43

Up until today, I had slogged through so much. I had gotten to the point where I could relax. Where I could get some sleep at night. Right now, every muscle is tense, and my PSTD is just pumping adrenline into my system. And I see where I’ve gained some new readers from Lancaster and Rock Hill. Aces. Not sure why they even care. But, I’ve given up the ghost on that one. That part of my life was a mistake. One that I pay for dearly. I cannot UNKNOW these people. I cannot UNDO the damage they all have caused me. The biggest blessing in my life right now is that I don’t care. But they are all over the blog, which is hilarious to me in a dark humor sort of way. I haven’t even seen Doug’s picture since November on social media, and yet he and his contention are overly curious as to see what I’m up to. Hate to disappoint, but, its not much. I don’t think about it much, lately. The blog gets less and less about Doug and the divorce and more about the uncertain future and the unstable present. I have so much other stuff to worry about.

Well. No. I don’t. I have the car situation to worry about. If I can just make that happen, I can return to the healing, sullen, melancholy, hopeful girl that I was. I really just want this over. He and his cohorts can think anything they like of me. A long time ago, I had decided that anyone connected with Doug was not worth my time to know. And I think in these last couple of years, I created a disconnect with him and his whole world. It wasn’t a world I wanted to be in, it wasn’t a world worthy of me. And maybe, I had given up on trying to relate and please Doug. Who knows. But it will disappear here in 60 days. I will take nothing from it, I will give nothing to it and I will again, start over.

I made the mistake tonight of engaging Doug. I was probably at the lowest point I had been in a long time, and the truth just came pouring out. It was a mistake. I showed my pain, and Doug and his ilk are laughing at it. At least it has served some purpose, this hell he has put me through. Entertainment. Maybe it helps him feel better. Because this hurt does nothing for me, and I wish to be rid of it. But if I EVER want to be healthy and strong again, enough to not let a person like Doug in my life ever again, I need to just feel it and get through it. And up until my stumble today, I was on my way. I was stronger, I was more confident, good things were happening in side me and out.

So. Hello Doug and cohorts. Read all you want. Demonize me. Create a circle jerk of masturbatory ill will. I’ll never understand him, or them or anything else that had been happening. But understanding is not needed anymore. Freedom is. I’m going to try and lie down, rest this weary head, and hope for a new tomorrow. I do believe it will be better than I think. My boss has extended a branch of assistance, and so has my landlord. Much more than I expected or even deserve. So. One problem at a time. The car. Then the divorce. I can just go in and sign. I’ll be divorced. I actually don’t care about anything else. Because my bright and glorious future is about 10 steps away. I can see it. I just have to get there from here.

One thing is for sure. No more Volvos.